Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Are There Two of Me?

One of the things I've found caregivers must learn to deal with is the wide range of emotions. I'm not even talking about the "big stuff" like depression and the like. I'm talking about the day to day fluctuations of sadness to joy, contentment to unrest. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks they are emotionally schizo. One minute (or second depending on the day) I'm so happy and things are going well, and the next I've bottomed out and feel like a failure as a caregiver. On any given day emotions can vary greatly. My son does something new and I'm full of joy but then the next second I think that I should be celebrating his marriage or his first child instead of the fact he finally touched his nose. Is this just me? 

This morning in my daily reading of scriptures I found something of interest to me in Psalm 108.The first 5 verses or so David talks about how glorious God is. He seems to be full of praise and waiting for God's answer to his prayers. Then his tone changes; and the last three verses are quite different. Now the last verse was a popular song in the 70's church, We sang and sang about how valiant God is and how He was going to tread down our enemies. It was a fun, uplifting song. But this morning I noticed that just two verses back - David wasn't feeling it.

In verse 11, David feels as though God has rejected him. So in just a couple of verses, he goes from Where did you go, God?  to God is a valiant warrior who is treading down my enemy. And just for today - I could relate. One second I feel totally abandoned by God - left alone in this world to deal with a trying situation; and the next I know that it is God who is giving me strength to fight this battle and I can sing His praise. Sometimes I feel like there are two of me - two extremes - extreme despair all the way to extreme thankfulness... and you know what? It's okay. God gets me. And He is beside me as a valiant warrior to defeat my enemies (fear, doubt, confusion....)

So today I will meditate on the first 5 verses of this chapter. I will like David, determine to sing to the Lord and offer up praise - even if it is a sacrifice. I will sing of His loving kindness, mercy and truth. Those things don't change based on our circumstances.  I will exalt Him in my heart and let Him reign over my crazy feelings. Will you join me?

2 comments:

  1. Oh, yes, Jeanie! I will join you...because...well, you are speaking of me as well! My emotions can shift from moment to moment depending on how my husband is doing...I know I should be in control of my own emotions; but he draws the anger and frustration out of me; and makes me feel defensive...and yet, I really don't think he KNOWS what he is doing or can control it...dealing with dementia - Vascular for sure; perhaps Alzheimer's disease as well - is not an easy thing. I lean on God; yet, I forget to.

    Thanks for this post; thanks for this blog...I don't read it often enough!

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  2. Hey Barbara, I totally understand what you are saying. I find it frustrating to have to deal with emotions. I know what you mean to feel the need to control them - but I think it's quite alright if they are not controlled. They are real and raw at times and it can be a difficult process to work through them. I think when my emotions are totally out of control is when I start questioning God the most - but once I settle back down I find He didn't leave and His grace really is enough. It can be almost as frustrating for me to have to stop and acknowledge His grace is there to carry me through.....it's a complicated process, isn't it? Thanks for reading.

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