Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Living Broken

I've never been one who enjoyed pain. I am a rather sporty individual and usually pain will make me fight harder, run further, and press on a little more diligently. After becoming a caregiver, I pretty much continued that trend as I found life to be engulfed in pain. Quite literally, everything hurts.

Losses loom in my view every day. I "lost" my son, at least who he was, I lost my life as it became consumed by caregiving, lost my dreams since they were no longer possible, and the list could go on and on as you well know. I struggled to find ways to work, and go on and have succeeded. But not without daily soul pain.

I want to tell myself to get over it. But it is so looming there's nowhere to go to get away. It's constantly pressing in like it is trying to suffocate me. Honestly, some days it wins. Other days I figure out how to get out from under the pressure just enough to function. It's the only way to survive the intensity and enormity of this seemingly all-consuming pain.

You know some days are better than others. Some days I can shrug it off and keep my head up. Other days it's all I can do to breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's like my "life" has been broken and I've got to figure out how to live from that broken state.

This is where my mind went as I was reading and re-reading Psalm 34. In verses 4 and 6, the psalmist speaks of crying out to God. He says in verse four: I sought the Lord; and then in verse six, he says: this poor man cried out. David let his thoughts and feelings be known to God, and trust me - I'm pretty sure God knows exactly how I feel since I don't hold back my thoughts or emotions! (Not like He didn't already know anyway, right?)

I've learned to bring my broken life, my brokenness to Him. At first, I blamed Him - and I do still have my days. But I've learned to gather it all up and drag it to Him and pour it out before Him. I give Him my anger, frustrations, hurt, immense pains, show him my deepest wounds....and He is big enough to handle it. Every.Single.Time,

He doesn't get angry with me for being open and honest about my brokenness. He never wrings His hands in worry like He's wondering what we're going to do. He never shakes His head or walks away in disgust. He just waits. He cares. He loves. He binds up the wounds life has inflicted and carries me until I can walk again.

Verse 15 says the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, His ears are open to their cry. Then down in verse 18, the psalmist says this: The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He doesn't turn His face away from the ugliness life can bring. I think He moves in a little closer when we cry out to Him.

Today, I will turn my thoughts to His total acceptance of me in my broken state. I'll think about how He is not afraid to be near me, doesn't avoid looking at my broken life. My thoughts will be on how He doesn't stand and stare like people do - He loves. He cares. He reaches in and heals my brokenness - even if it's just enough to get me through to the next emotional crisis! (lol) I'll meditate on his nearness today and I'll move just a bit closer to Him and let myself trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

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