Friday, April 14, 2017

Or What?

One of the difficult things about becoming a caregiver is that life goes on. Please note, it's not like most people mean that phrase. Life as we knew it, life as normal, life like everyone else does not go on. For many of us, life after caregiving is far different than before. But it seems like for everyone else - life goes on. There are two sides of this for me. On one hand it can be difficult watching all my son's friends go on with their lives as they should. they marry, have children, develop careers and have nice little lives. While my son struggles with learning to eat, move and talk again.

The other side of that coin is far different though. It's the part of life goes on that can be rewarding. My daughter married before my son's wreck, but she didn't start having children until a little later on. My daughter and I have talked about how we grieve that her kiddos will never know the Chris we knew. There's a real sadness there.

Last night, my daughter called and said that my granddaughter had fallen in the tub, hit her head, and a huge knot had come up. She seemed okay, but as a precaution they were headed to the hospital to get her checked out. I am not even sure if I can describe my range of emotions. I was angry, fearful, and had tons of what ifs running through my head. I'm an over-thinker and I had all these horrible images running through my head. I wanted to pray. I did pray. But God didn't rescue my son - can I trust Him now?  I heard my heart say - God, I can't take something else, I can't handle if my granddaughter is hurt. I lashed out at Him with my thoughts. And very simply, it was like He said, or what?

I was kind of caught off guard by that addendum to my raging thoughts. But I stopped, and thought, yeah, or what? Am I going to just stop trusting Him now? Will I walk away from Him and stop writing, praying, reading my Bible or pursuing Him? And in that moment, I realized there wasn't an or what. There's nothing I can do to manipulate life to go "my way" because, trust me, if there was I would have used it already!

Life is going to still happen and bad things are going to still happen. And I see absolutely no reason to stop trusting Him now. Instead, I find it drives me to Him more. All those deep-rooted scriptures will just dive deeper in my soul. I'll still say of the Lord - He is my help. He is a present help in trouble (any trouble, all trouble), I still run to Him with my heart's cry. I will still trust Him. I do still trust Him. And if something else does happen, I'll just learn to trust Him more. There's not an or what?.

He is the only constant in my life (see yesterday's post!). He will still carry me. He will still comfort me. He will still be with me. I'm not moving - and He's not moving.

My beautiful granddaughter is fine. She had a blast at the hospital I'm told. The nurses loved her and had fun with her and fed her snacks, and she even thought the CT scan was cool. lol She has a huge knot on her head, and a headache (she says her hair hurts).But she's okay. I'm okay. And God's okay with that.

Today I'm going to focus on trusting Him more. My thoughts will be on how He moves in closer when "bad" things happen - never further away. I'll meditate on how He is always present which means He is always right here no matter what the day brings - a true present help in trouble. I'll think about how my family has trusted Him as our refuge over the years - and that's not going to change with me. And today - I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

3 comments:

  1. won't stop, never stop...

    can't stop (insert wry smile...)

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  2. Remember when Jesus asked the disciples, "will you leave me also?" Peter's answers was short and to the point, "where would we go?" On one hand, I think Peter had thought about it... and knew there was nowhere else to go. But then when it was told that Jesus had been raised from the dead, he ran past everyone to get there. I think I am a little like that. I think about alternatives, but find none; and then find myself running to Him the next chance I get! There is no place to stop trusting, to stop believing, to stop running to Him.

    Thanks for reading!

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