You'll Never Know

You'll never know when I look at my son and tears well up in my eyes.
You'll never know when I am overcome with grief over what was, what is, and what will never be.
But He does.

You'll never know how I have paced the floor in the midnight hour wondering... questioning.
You may never know how I've yelled and cussed at God - then ran into His arms.
But He does.

You'll never know the fear of getting older and not knowing who can take my spot.
You may not ever know how I trust God for each day, each moment and each breath.
But He does.

You'll never know of the times He has carried me, walked with me, dragged me through.
You may not realize my strength comes only from Him.
But He does.

You may never know the day-to-day grief over the loss of a son - who is gone - but still here.
You may not ever know how my heart aches and is overcome with grief.
But He does.

You may never know how one foot just keeps getting put in front of another.
You may not realize how painful it is to feed, change, provide care for a once independent adult child.
But He does.

You may never know the load of the caregiver, and how often I stumble underneath the weight.
You may never know the lonely road I must walk and I now embrace.
But He does.

You may never know how one memory can spark pleasure and depression in one fell swoop.
You might not realize how deep the hole depression digs and how hard it is to climb out.
But He does.

You'll never know of the nights I cry myself to sleep or lie awake.
You may never know how hard it is to do for my son the things he used to do for himself.
But He does.

You'll never know how a simple thing can send emotions off the edge.
You may never know how the "normal" things others enjoy can bring a sense of sadness and grief.
But He does.

You'll never know how my heart hurts and rejoices at each step of progress.
You may not know the difficulty of helping him take one little step, one more bite and knowing it's not enough.
But He does.

You'll never know how my heart cries out in the midst of the storm.
You may not know how I want to bring Him glory in the fire.
But He does.

You'll never know how difficult the battle against bitterness can be.
You may never know how tiring the struggle between faith and fear is.
But He does.

You may never know the nitty gritty details of my days.
You'll never know the depth of my faith and trust.
But He does.