Between the Lines

 

I have recently discovered that I say a lot of things and expect people to read between the lines. You may do it too whether you realize it or not.  As caregivers, it can be difficult to find the words for our emotions. We can't always adequately describe our situations with words. And even if we can, there are many things we deal with daily that are taboo topics. Or, of course, we don't deal with some topics as we want our loved ones to have some dignity. So we speak in riddles and only those who really know - fully understand.

What we really mean.

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday and here are a few examples that I came up with, maybe you've got a few of your own.

• I need to get out more. - Really means I am so lonely.
• Wanna come over for a cup of coffee? - Means I am at the end of my rope. I feel neglected, alone, and I need a friend.
• I am eating myself out of house and home lol - Really means - I'm experiencing emotional eating and I don't know how to stop.
• It could be worse. - Really means I don't know how I'm going to make it.
• I'm a hot mess. lol - Really means I'm at the end of my emotions and I really need God to help me get it all together.

These are just a few of the things I've heard myself say and I'm the only one who really knows what I meant. I'm sure there are plenty of other examples, and maybe you have some go-to statements like I do. We say things like, 

• God will provide.
• He's got me!
• God will make a way.

These faith statements are wonderful. And I agree - we need to make them all the time. We often need to pull up our faithful, favorite scriptures and read them to our minds over and over to build faith, don't we? But sometimes, we use truth as a mask to hide our true emotions. We can't ever really tell anyone how we feel or how we are dealing with caregiving. So, they are left to read between the lines. Some do it well. Others, don't have a clue. lol (Am I right?)

Here's the thing - God always reads between the lines. Sometimes, it feels like He doesn't answer our questions because He replies to the root of the question and not the actual question. Where did the question originate? What emotion sparked that question? Where are you now, God? I've cried that during many long, dark nights.

David Did It!

Maybe that's what David was feeling or thinking when He penned Psalm 13. How long will you look the other way? In David's heart, he knew God was with him, we see that bear out through the many psalms he wrote. But he didn't really think God was looking away. How do I know for sure? Because just two verses later David's asking God to consider and hear his cries. When we cry out, Where are You, God? We know where He is - but reading between the lines we'll see an intense need for Him. We may not feel or sense Him in any way during that moment. (Hey, it happens.) We know He's here. We know He hasn't left. But we feel abandoned, alone, and afraid. He's big enough to read between those lines and hear what our hearts and tears don't have the words for.

Today, I want to quiet my soul before Him. Since I don't always have the words for what I feel, I will let my silence speak. I will quietly present myself before Him and wait for Him to answer the silent cries of my heart. Will you join me on this new level of trusting Him?

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Our Shield

 

As a new year unfolds, I take a soul inventory. I think about the things I  "invested" in last year. Maybe I invested some money, time, or just thought. My goal is to see what things merit continued investment. As a caregiver, you know how limited our time is each day, so we have to make the most of it. Some things can't be compromised like our own health (mental and physical), our jobs, other relationships (if we have any!), and our spiritual wellbeing. But some things can be cut for sure.

I was thinking along these lines in terms of how I care for Chris. What things do I need to make sure are in his days and which things are unnecessary? Right now, I want to focus on keeping him as comfortable as possible and as mobile as possible even with his limitations. I want to help him have more "experiences." He seems bored and unengaged here at home, but as soon as we get in the van - he pops his head up and looks around like crazy - more outings are on tap if it's just driving around in the country! (That is beneficial for us both, I'm sure!)

Most of all, though, I want him to feel genuinely loved. I have no way of knowing if he "misses" his friends or not. But I did show him a picture of his last girlfriend - he stared at the picture for a very long time and heaved the longest sigh I think I've ever heard. Can I shield him from the pain of wondering where she went? Can I protect him from the rejection of all his former friends? (I cannot and will not blame them - they had to move on with their lives, of course!) 

Then I realized I am not exactly his shield. I cannot shield him from rejection, loneliness, or any other emotion, especially since I really don't know what he feels. But that sense of desiring to protect and shield him is how God feels about us. He won't interfere. He won't always "fix" every situation to our satisfaction. But His heart longs for us to feel His love and care. He wants us to know that He's going to bat for us in ways we cannot see or may never know. 

David said in Psalm 3:3 - But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head. (NASB) He's got us covered today - and every day.

Today, I will make an effort to realize His shield around my life and my heart. I'll meditate on His great love for me - far greater than the love we feel for our loved ones. I'll be thankful that He is near - because He wants to be - no one is demanding that He be near  - He chooses to come near us even when we feel most broken. I'll thank Him for His nearness and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

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Self-Reminders

 

Are there days you get lost in the shuffle? Who am I talking to? lol - As caregivers, it can feel like we are always lost in the shuffle. We can get lost in taking care of our loved ones and forget who we are. It took me a long time to be able to figure out things I liked - and just as long to allow myself to enjoy them. It was quite a while after the tragedy and trauma of Chris' wreck that I was able to feel okay about laughing and smiling. Eventually, I learned it was okay for me to live too - even while being a caregiver.

But it's so easy to get caught up in their care that it becomes our identity. Right? Or is it just me? Before the pandemic, I tried going to a local church. I enjoyed it - even though I had a little attitude about it. It was very difficult to get both of us ready and out the door to be on time. Sometimes I heard myself think, boy, this better be worth it. lol. I'm sure I'm the only one. But what troubled me is that they couldn't see past me being a caregiver. While it was touching that they had compassion and genuine care for our situation, they couldn't see the teacher, the worshiper, the prophet inside. 

Caregiving changes us. There's no argument about that. I'm thankful for most of the changes I've seen in myself. A few I'm a little worried about. (smile!) But ultimately, I'm still me. I still like to be outside more than I like to be indoors. I like hiking, biking, running, and plain old walking. And boy, what I wouldn't give for someone to play catch or football with right now! Ha. For real, y'all! I like to play board games and cards, hang out with friends (don't have many of those anymore), and watch good movies. But I realize all too often that all of that got lost in caregiving. Maybe it's not lost, just set aside or misplaced.

While I was thinking about all of this, and writing in my journal this morning, I realized it's easy for me to forget who I am. So, I certainly can't blame others for doing it, right? After I had poured out my heart and emotions on the pages, I concluded my journal entry with this prayer this morning.

Ephesians 2:6 was my reminder to myself that caregiver or not - I have been raised with Christ and I sit in heavenly places in Him. I must remind myself that He thought I was worth dying for. That He loves me before, after, and during caregiving. I tell myself He came for me. What a beautiful love story that unfolds for us. When we feel the rest of the world doesn't understand us - so they distance themselves from us - He came. He continues to come to us every single day - He walks this journey with us all the way.

Today, I will remind myself of His love, grace, acceptance, and presence. I may need to tell myself the same things over and over all day - but I'll repeat them until my heart gets it. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                           

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Who Am I Really?

It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle. We don't have to go through the list of all the things we have to do in a day, or the numerous people who come through weekly to check on our loved one, or the paperwork we have to keep up with - all to provide proper care. But most of these activities are based around the one we are caring for - not around us.

My "love language" is time. If you spend time with me I feel loved. You can lavish gifts on me  (not that anyone has tried that recently! lol) and I won't necessarily be able to translate that as love. But spend time with me and I will feel like you care.

The social isolation of caregiving and the always feeling like you're out of step with normal can start to wear on you. Lately, I'm so much more comfortable with caregiving - and not struggling as much about going into public places. I guess that happens when you don't have an aide for an extended period of time and you just have to adjust. I also nearly ran out of coffee - that'll get you out of the house. ;-)

But over the weekend, I had to do some thinking and dealing with the feelings of rejection. It can be easy to feel like life itself has rejected us - like we don't really belong anywhere. It's not true - but it can feel that way. To be honest, even small things like aides not showing up can wear away at one's self-worth. The one aide needs to get fingerprints. This is his second week to not work and for me it sends the message we are not worth his time to go get that done. And of course the company doesn't offer a fill-in. This and many other things can wear away at one's self-worth.

Last week I was dealing with this issue, actually caused by another event and I felt myself slipping into the abyss. Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, and aloneness tried to weigh me down. I started rehearsing some of the scriptures that reminded me of how much He loves me - no matter what life looks like or if I have to do it alone.

I compiled the list and labeled the file Come Away my Beloved. Because the truth is that we are His beloved - no matter what our lives look like to us or to others. Whether we are a sole caregiver or actually have some help, whether we can attend church or can't get out much at all. It doesn't matter we are still His beloved. That's who we really are and it doesn't change, period.

Today I am going to focus on the truth that I am His beloved child. My thoughts will be on His acceptance of me - just.the.way.I.am. I will turn my meditations to how much He loves me and cares for me in this life I am living for Him. I'll rest in His love for today. Will you join me?

Quietly Discarded

There are times that I joke about living in a cave; and even though things are said in jest it really can seem that way at times. Many times the caregiver lives a very isolated life where activities outside the home are very limited. For awhile this used to wear on me but it has finally settled in and my cave is a very safe place, a peaceful place and I am actually finding that I do not do as well outside the cave as I used to.

Others really do not understand the caregiver's cave. There's just no way for others to understand the lack of freedom that can be experienced. You cannot just jump up and go grab a few things from the store, have coffee with a friend or go to an afternoon matinee. The things that are commonplace for the majority are rare for the caregiver, if they exist at all. We cannot expect others to understand our situations - they are not living the experience with us. We do not fit society's mold and sometimes we can feel quietly discarded.

No one will actually say anything - not that it would help. Have you ever just felt politely ignored? When people do not know what to do with you they are not impolite - they just ignore! Even the church can be this way. They do not know what to do with those of us who are homebound and cannot fit their church-going mold. So we do not exist to them. I won't bore you with the details of all the churches or church people who have politely ignored us. lol. But I will tell you that one pastor asked me what I needed and I replied with one word: fellowship. He eagerly said they could do that. (I think he was relieved that I didn't ask for money lol!) But most of those who live in situations with continual pain whether it's physical or emotional have probably already guessed what happened. I never saw him or any people from that church again. I'm not mad - they just don't know what to do with us so they politely ignore us. We become quietly discarded because we can't function in their world. No blame -- just the way it is.


The term that came to my mind earlier this week was cast away. There are times when the caregiver can feel like society or even life in general has just cast us away. We are here - we are breathing - but we don't really exist. When I started meditating about being cast away and realizing that our existence is not in this world but in Him, my mind went straight to 2 Corinthians 4. The apostle to the early church Paul says this we are afflicted in every way...but not crushed. Now for those faithers out there -- they would call this admission a negative or faithless confession. It is not. Paul is stating the obvious. Until we can view where we are in honesty - we'll never be able to view Him in truth. Paul did not stop at this he went on to describe the utter despair he was feeling:  perplexed but not despairing; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed. That about sums it up.

I would like to add quietly discarded - but not rejected. Even though much of the world ignores our situation - God is still fully aware. He has not rejected us - He has not left us. Life may have struck us down but we are not destroyed!! Even though it feels like life has cast us away - to live in the caregiver's cave - God caught us and holds us even now.

Today I will meditate on how He is my present help - He holds me - cherishes me and loves me. I will picture Him holding me...and then I'll rest in Him. Will you join me?

Do You Fit the Mold?

One thing that really surprised me when I began the walk of a caregiver was the rejection. We try not to take it personal by telling ourselves it's not on purpose, just that people do not quite know what to do with us. We do not fit the normal mode. We cannot always just get up and go out for a cup of coffee, grab a quick brunch with a friend or attend church like we used to. But we still have the same desires and need for friendships and relationships as those who are not caregivers. Rarely does someone cross that line and actually bring us  lunch or a cup of coffee. And there are few (and I thank God for them!) who will come and sit for a few minutes just to chat. But overall there is this rejection that must be dealt with.

 We are in good company. 1 Peter 2:4 has this to say of Christ: and coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God...Jesus had crowds of people following Him until He hit what was perceived as great adversity. Once there was any conflict they fled quicker than they had come! His adversity was greater than they could bear or more than they wished to deal with. And sometimes it feels the same for us - others do not know what to do with us...so they leave. Their intent is not harmful but it causes great pain nonetheless.

 I think one of the most touching scriptures is found in Job 2. It says that when his friends heard of his adversity they all made an appointment (with no cell phones, Internet or facebook) to come to sympathize with him and comfort him. And when they saw him and how badly he was doing physically, they wept. And even though later on we see that they have great problems with their theology - they sat for 7 days and nights with no one speaking a word, for they saw his pain was very great. (Job 2:11-13) This scene is so precious to me because they did not know what to do; they could do nothing to lessen the pain - so they just sat with their friend...no one knows how much that means.

We are still a part of the body of Christ even though we are walking on a different turf. And even though we cannot always go to the physical building to fellowship, and people do not always come to us - we are still one of His living stones mentioned in 1 Peter 2. The body does not consist of one building; but it is made up of all believers from throughout time. We all make up the body - we are all a part. Christ deems us worth dying for - We are just as precious in His eyes as any of His children. So do not let the circumstances make you feel like you are less a part of the body of Christ just because you do not fit the mold. We are still living stones whether we are ignored or not!