The Seeker

 

This morning I found myself reading in Ezekiel. Although I love the OT prophets and read them often, I must admit I had no inspiration and my Bible literally opened to it and I began reading. I am so glad I did. God was warning the people of Israel and giving Ezekiel a rundown on the true state of their hearts in chapter 33. Then He begins to talk about the shepherds who were supposed to be caring for the sheep but were instead taking care of their own needs and scattering the sheep. Even some of the sheep were being inconsiderate and unkind to other sheep.

God was not too happy with the "fat sheep" who had gotten that way by pushing other sheep out of the way. They crowded their way to a "blessing." He said He would judge between the sheep and the shepherd as well as between sheep and other sheep. Why? He's the seeker.

So for the sheep suffering from neglect from the shepherds and bullying of other sheep - God said He would step in. He said He'd make sure they were no longer a prey - that they had what they needed. And Ezekial ends chapter 34 with this: you are my flock, the sheep of my pasture. You are my people, and I am your God.

There's no mention of them seeking God during their struggles. Ezekiel said nothing about them crying out in their pain, or praying for deliverance. They may have - I know I have! But what I saw in this was God seeing the need, seeing the hurting, seeing the hungry, seeing the whole picture, and then seeking out His own.

I'm His own too. And so are you.

As caregivers, we can be operating under a load others simply do not understand and many just don't want to see. Life gets ugly sometimes and doesn't go as planned. But God continues to seek His own. He will seek for us until He finds us. Then He provides peace, comfort, sustenance, and acceptance.

While we understand we are rewarded with His presence when we seek Him - in this scenario He becomes the seeker - and He's looking for US! Jeremiah says when we seek Him - He will be found by us. Can we do the same? Can we let Him find us in our pain, in our aloneness, in the darkest emotional cave of our lives? He wants us. He is looking for us. And He won't stop until He finds us.

Today, I purpose to be found by Him. I'll step out of the dark recesses of the cave I've been hiding in and I'll let Him see the ugly of life. I'll let Him see my tear-stained face and bloody torn heart. I'll rest in His arms as He bandages the wounds, wipes the tears from my face, and holds me close to His heart. Will you join me? He's looking for us.

A Quiet Search

Lately, I've been searching for something. On one hand, I have looked for it in music, like what I have currently is missing a piece. I am not sure what it is I am looking for, but I've tried downloading new music and listening to my old albums too. It's nowhere yet - but perhaps I'll find it soon.

As a caregiver, it feels I am on a search too. Sometimes, I am looking for God's hand in the day-to-day which, by the way, is anything but mundane. It may be lonely. But there's never a dull moment. There are times when God steps in and kisses my day and I am so aware of His presence. Then there are long strings of days where I honestly don't feel Him at all and must continue to trust that He is near as He promised in His word.

Either way, it's like my soul is quietly searching for His interaction in my day, in my world, in my life. Even in my darkest moments when I wasn't sure where He was or what I believed any more - as He was redefining my faith, my soul continued its quiet search for Him.

These are some of my thoughts that started to take shape as I read through Psalm 9. When my world fell apart in 2008 and I started learning about the caregiving role, my soul was still searching for Him. I wanted God (and still do) to invade everything, and not just to "make everything right" but to just be there. Although I was blinded by the incident I wanted and needed to know He was near.

It's like when I began seeking Him as a child, a button got pushed. It can't be un-pushed. My soul continues a quiet search for Him no matter what life has or has not brought my way. At 6 years old my soul began to cry out - I just need to know God. My mission hasn't changed.

In Psalm 9:10, the psalmist says, Those who know Your name trust in You, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for You. Jeremiah 29:13-14 says it this way If you look for Me in earnest, you will find Me when you seek Me. I will be found by you. I have said it before - God doesn't play hide-n-seek. If we seek Him - He says - Here I am!

So I think it's a good thing for our souls to continue on their quiet search for Him in our circumstances. He didn't say He'd be found by us unless we were caregivers. He put no stipulation except that we seek in earnest.

Today, I will continue my quiet search to find Him in my day. Maybe we will find it in the way we touch our loved one's brow, wipe their mouths, or comb their hair. But I bet, when we look - we'll find Him. I'll keep searching - will you join me?

Hide N Seek

This morning during my devotions, I came across this scripture:  Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for You. (Psalm 8:10 NLT)

Immediately, I thought of Jeremiah 29:13 that tells us if we seek Him we will  find Him. I always told my youth groups that God doesn't play hide-n-seek well. He waits for us to seek Him and then He reveals Himself to us.

As a caregiver, I have felt sometimes like God was hiding from me; and at other times like He had completely abandoned me. My heart tells me it's not so - but it's how I have felt at times nonetheless.

It comes down to what I am going to choose to believe. Will I follow my hollow emotions that tell me He has abandoned me forever? If  I do, I may be found in company with the psalmist who said, Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will He never again show me favor? Is His unfailing love gone forever? Have His promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be kind? Has He slammed the door on His compassion? (Psalm 77:7-9 NLT)

I have to wonder if all caregivers have had this series of questions run through their mind at one time or another. I know I cycle back around to them from time to time. But like the psalmist, I wind up with the thoughts in verse 11 I recall all You have done, O Lord; I remember Your wonderful deeds of long ago. I will choose to agree with this verse and renew my seeking heart in Him.

I cannot deny that He has walked this difficult road with me. I cannot deny He has provided all along the way. I cannot deny I have seen His hand at work. And I cannot deny I've seen Him reveal His heart in mine.

For me, the key is looking for it; or seeking it. I have been so angry with God at times that I didn't want to look for Him or His works. I really didn't care. But He patiently waits for me to work through my rash emotions and crazy thoughts. And once I do - He's right there waiting for me to find Him - waiting to reveal Himself to me once again.

My goal becomes the same as it was BC (before caregiving) - to remain in a state of seeking Him. If we look for Him - we will find Him. It's about wanting to see Him in our day-to-day lives. It's easy to withdraw to the caregiver's cave and exclude God and everyone else too. But whether we have retreated to the all-familiar cave or have ventured out for awhile, if we choose to look for Him - He will be there. Right where we left Him.

Today I'm going to think about how He is so patient with me. He never throws up His hands and says, "I'm done." He waits for me - just like He wants me to wait on Him. My thoughts will be on how He continues to walk this road with me and how He has comforted me in the dark night of the soul. I will purposefully and consciously look for Him in my life today. Will you join me?

In the Wilderness

I was studying this morning in preparation for some online Bible courses I'm starting to write and I found myself in Jeremiah 2 and this part of the second verse jumped off the page and into my heart. God is speaking to His people and says: I remember.....your following after Me in the wilderness, through a land not sown.

Now most of us did not plan as a child to grow up and be a caregiver. It's a strange land for most of us when we find ourselves there.It's an unknown land and we didn't spend time directly cultivating the skills we would need. I mean really, who knew we would need to know how to do some of these things?

Not only did we not really plan on being a caregiver in most instances, it can be a lonely and dry place. We eventually find a new normal and learn to function and work with what we have; but loneliness and social isolation are definitely areas we find ourselves having to deal with. It can be a real-life wilderness. And that's why this verse grabbed me this morning. I found comfort in realizing that God remembers how I seek Him in the wilderness.

At the very start, one of my prayers was that He would shield me and protect me from becoming bitter on this journey. The way to protect ourselves from that is to seek Him while we walk through the furnace. We all have good days and rougher days - but being a caregiver is not for the weakling, or the fainthearted. To carry on day after day and not become bitter we must purposefully seek Him.

Just like my faith was redefined during those early caregiving years, I've learned a new way to look at seeking Him. Indirectly, we are taught in many church settings that seeking Him and petitioning Him are synonymous. They are not. If we are continually asking God to do something or to act on our behalf, or even to rescue us - that's not seeking. That's begging.

Seeking Him in my understanding is reaching out to hear His heart, feel His touch and see His face. It's not really about getting Him to change my circumstances as much as it's about allowing His presence to change me.

Today I will meditate on how much I need His nearness. My thoughts will be on desiring to know Him, to know His heart and not just what He can do. I will turn my heart toward His and seek Him no matter how dry the wilderness becomes or if I'm overcome with a flood. I will seek to know Him and His heart. Will you join me?

The Flip Side of Everything

I've talked a lot about seeing God. My favorite story used for reference is Hagar when she realized God saw her and her son. But until this week, I hadn't thought about the flip side of that.

I was reading in Genesis about Abraham offering up Isaac. In chapter 22 verse 8 Abraham said "God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering." I know God does indeed provide for us and I have certainly experienced that on my caregiving journey. But the margin caught my eye as it gave an alternate interpretation of see for the word "provide." My loose interpretation is God will be seen.

I often rejoice in the fact that God can see me and knows my situation intimately. But I paused to ask can I see God?

Honestly, there are those times when I don't feel I can see Him at all. Usually it's at 3 or 4 in the morning when my son is running a fever or moaning in pain and I feel out of options. I must admit I have not acted much like a believer on some of those occasions. There have been many tears shed during those midnight hours and I've cried out God, where are you now? I must also admit I've said lots of other things to God that should not be said - but they were my honest feelings at the time. And I really believe He's big enough to handle our hurts, fears and feelings just as we interpret them in time. He knows eternity is bigger.

During those times that are rougher, it can be difficult to see God. But then He seems to march right into our reality and make Himself known and seen. I saw Him in the caring eyes of two little girls at the grocery store. They asked their mom if they could pray for my son. They had such a true compassion - I'm sure it came from Him.

I saw Him in a young man who reaches out to us and does a 5K to raise funds to help us get a handicap van. I saw Him in the xray technician last time we were in the hospital. I can't explain it, but  the way she touched my son with caring gentleness when taking an xray moved me to tears- because I saw His touch in her hands. (I even talked to her about it.) I've seen Him in the new church we found; people actually spoke to my son (who is non-verbal), accepted him, and even touched him....acted like he exists.

We can get so caught up in the busy-ness of caregiving and forget to see Him in our day to day lives.  But He is present and He is paying attention. Sometimes we just have to look for Him.

Today I am going to purposefully look  for His presence in my life. My thoughts will be on His ever abiding presence and how close He is even if I don't see or feel His presence. I'll look for Him  for when I seek Him - I will find Him. Will you join me?

After all That?

We are finally at the end of Psalm 119! I've said before that I really enjoy this psalm I'd encourage you to take the time to read it again and again. David's heart is revealed in this psalm. We see him on the mountain rejoicing to broken and deep sorrow. But overall it reveals  a heart that is seeking the ways of God.

I find the final verse of this chapter very interesting. After all the seeking and longing after God the last verse says: I have gone astray like a lost sheep. What is that? All of this talk of praising God, longing after His ways and His word and you go astray? It was just a few verses ago in v. 165 that he said Great peace have those who love Your law and nothing shall offend them. How can I love the word, be offence-less and then go astray? It happens.

Thankfully, David didn't leave it hanging like that - his next phrase (or perhaps prayer) is Seek Your Servant. After penning 176 verses about how he is seeking God, he is asking God to seek him. I like that! When we are seeking God with all of our hearts - looking into His word for guidance and direction; and we accept His strength for the journey - all we need is a glance from Him. What peace it brings just to know he is looking our way. We are not politely ignored!

It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle even when we are seeking Him. Sometimes I need Him  to find me!

Today I will meditate on the truth that He is seeking me with more intensity than I am seeking Him! I'll consider how much He values me that He would come looking for me on those days I just don't have the strength to try. I'll enjoy His embrace today...will you join me?

Seek and Ye Shall Find?

For the last few days I've been reading and meditating on Psalm 42. The first verse has been made into choruses and songs many times and is very familiar: As the deer pants for the water - so my soul longs after You. It seems to me that this beautiful verse has been romanticized and adapted to the corporate worship setting- like we are seeking an experience corporately. But that does not make a lot of sense when read along with the rest of the psalm. We have to look at some of the other phrases throughout the passage to get a sense of the desperation of the soul of the writer.

Our faith simply cannot allow us to overlook some of the heart-wrenching phrases such as:

• Day and night I have only tears for food
• My heart is breaking
• Why am I discouraged?
• Now I am deeply discouraged
• Why have You forsaken me?
• Why must I wonder in darkness oppressed by my enemies?

Most of these are followed with encouraging answers such as:

• I will put my hope in God!
• I will praise Him again!

Evidently the psalmist found himself in a very sticky situation and was grasping for hope from outside himself. He was facing an onset of discouragement and fighting off feelings of being forsaken and alone. He kept telling himself to put his hope in God and that he would praise Him once again. Seeking God like the panting deer looks for water is a matter of sheer desperation. And you know what? It's okay.

In many cases the day to day life of the caregiver can be lived out in desperation - constantly seeking trying to find God in our circumstance. It does not mean we have sinned, or that we've distanced ourselves from the One we love- it's just not a comfortable place - and He's still right here - even when life gets ugly. It's okay to be desperate for Him in an un-church way - and it's okay to be thirsty for Him outside of corporate worship. We do not have to go to church to find Him. And we can be as determined as the sons of Korah in saying I will put my hope in God - I will praise Him again.

Today I'm going to meditate on the truth that He is here with me whether I feel Him or not. It's okay for life to be discouraging - but I will continue to seek for him from the desperate soul. And I will find Him....here.