Famine of the Soul

Have you ever had those days where you feel like life is dragging you into the deep dark mire of depression? You can feel its grip tightening with every breath and it's reflecting in every sluggish move. I have to admit I feel that way today. I can't blame it on any one thing - but a series of events have had this effect on me and honestly I don't always know how to get out or break its grip.

As I opened my Bible this morning, mostly out of habit to be truthful, my eyes fell on a couple of verses out of Psalm 32. Verses 7 says this: You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. 

This is what I call a "two-way" psalm because between verse 7 and 8 it changes from second person to first person - like God is answering the psalmist. These are cool to me because it's like God interrupts the psalmist mid stream to get His thoughts in. Because verse 8 just pops out of nowhere with: I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

So that got my attention and I thought about it a bit and then turned a page and saw this in Psalm 33:16-18:

The king is not saved by a mighty army

A warrior is not delivered by great strength.

A horse is a false hope for victory;

Nor does it deliver anyone by its strength.

Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,

On those who hope for His lovingkindness,

To deliver their soul from death

and to keep them alive in famine.

I think the biggest issues of being a caregiver are not physical but emotional which is our soul. We can live in a sort of famine of the soul where our emotions stay raw and open. Even though becoming a caregiver bringing about some physical changes, it's the soul that is ravaged by grief. Our soul gets its workout everyday just trying to navigate through all the emotions. But God will keep us alive in this famine of the soul.

Both of these psalms speak of His eyes being on us. I have to trust that no matter what I feel or face He is watching over me. I have to trust that He will instruct me - and I will hear Him. I have to trust that He is always watching, always listening and always ready to step in when I can't bear anymore. Well, I don't usually really give it all to Him until I get to that point. So today - I'm at that point! (smile) So I choose to give it to the One who is watching over me...one more time.

Today I'm going to try to consciously give Him my grief, pain, tears and struggles. I can't see Him watching over my soul and I can't feel Him rescuing my soul from famine; but I'll trust Him anyway. I will choose to trust Him to heal and protect my soul today. I'll lean in to Him with just a little more effort and trust He sees all, He knows all, and He's got my back today. Will you join me?

There it is again!

There are many scriptures that talk about waiting on God. It seems to be a favorite theme that runs throughout the psalms. Psalm 62 is just one of the many times there is mention of waiting on Him. Actually, the first verse of this psalm begins with a declaration of My soul waits in silence for God only. Not only is the psalmist, David saying his soul is waiting for God, but he is doing so in silence. Now I don't know about you, but it can be a rare thing for my soul  to be silent. My mouth may not be making a sound but my head and heart are going a hundred miles an hour (on a slow day!).

As a caregiver it can feel like we are always in "waiting mode." Even getting up in the morning means waiting to see what the day will hold. How will our loved one respond to care today? Will the aide show up today? Will supplies arrive on time? Am I going to be able to go grab some groceries or will something preempt it? And that's all the thoughts that start running after hitting the snooze the first time. But no matter how hectic the day starts out we have to learn to wait on God alone. We have to learn to trust Him in every situation.

Psalm 62:5 says My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. Even though he started the psalm with this thought it's like he needs to remind himself to wait - in silence. Then it seems like he is reminding himself of who God is to him:

My rock

My salvation

My stronghold

My glory

My strength

My refuge

I will trust Him at all times.

I can truly pour out my heart before Him because He is a safe place. He knows what we are going through and understands each intricate detail of our crazy lives. But He never condemns or judges us. He even understands the thousands of thoughts that run through our heads in just a few seconds. And you know what? It doesn't scare Him off! 

Our task is to quiet our souls before Him. This can be a true act of worship as we learn to become quiet before God and wait on Him. 

Today I will work on quieting my soul before my God. I will meditate on trusting Him more fully. I will work on surrendering my mind, will and emotions to Him as an act of worship. Will you join me?

No Disclaimers for Caregivers in the Bible!

Did you ever read a scripture and wonder if it could really apply to caregivers? When I first started the caregiving journey I thought for certain that there were some scriptures that would no longer be applicable to life. But as my emotions settled down and I adjusted to my new "normal" I found that there is not one disclaimer for us in the Bible.

This weekend I was reading Psalm 119 - one of my all time favorites. I was surprised at how many times David speaks of the word reviving his soul. In verse 25, he says:  my soul clings to the dust, revive me according to Your word. Who knows what the psalmist was going through to feel like his soul (mind, will and emotions) were having to be scraped up from the earth just to go on! I've had a few days like that - just like every other caregiver. I guess where I found comfort in this scripture was realizing that the word is not void because I'm in a caregiving situation. There's no disclaimer that says His word can revive my soul unless I'm a caregiver - or unless anything.

His word still gives power; it still gives life. And we still have the responsibility of hiding it in our heart - where the word can do it's best work. I like the preceding scripture too - v. 24 states: Your testimonies also are my delight and my counselors. Oh how I need His word to bring life and delight back to my weary soul! I also find comfort in knowing that His word can offer wisdom for dealing with different situations. But once I again, I have to tune my ear to hear Him and my heart to truly listen.

He did not offer a disclaimer which nullifies the power of His word in the life of a caregiver; and we are not exempt from following Him, listening to Him, hiding His word in our heart, etc.

Today I will meditate on the power of His word in my "messed up" life. I'll set my mind and heart on pursuing Him and listening to His heart in mine. I won't "check out" today - will you join me?

That Was Some Fight

Today's daily reading was in Joshua. It was this really awesome story about how the sun stood still so the Israelites could fight their enemies. And some of the story was where God rained hailstones out of the sky on the enemy's army and wiped out a bunch of them. All through chapter 10 it talks about how the Lord fought for them.

I cannot imagine seeing huge hailstones fall from the sky - and quite honestly would not want to. But when I imagine this scene I think about how vehemently God was fighting for His people. The thing that I got from it is that we are still His people and He still pursues and protects us with the same passion as He did back then. He never changes...

When tragedy struck my trust factor was really messed up because I had trusted that the Lord would protect my children from harm and he hadn't, at least not the way I wanted Him to. But as the days turned into weeks and weeks into months...and now years...I realize He protects that part of us that is eternal. That's the part He's fighting for -- our heart and soul.

He is so passionate about us that He arranged for our return to Him before He actually created the world. It's not that He won't protect our flesh and blood (that's the part we are most protective of - and concerned about ) but He protects that part of us that will never die. That's a lot bigger picture than just caring for our bodies. His plans were to care for our spirits while we take care of our bodies. So that core of our being - is completely protected and covered by His grace so that we cannot lose that fight. We just need to keep trusting Him with eternity in mind.

When I think of Joshua's battle that day I think, wow, that was some fight! But then I think of how God is still pursuing the eternal part of us - our being - the real us - the part that cannot die...and in His relentless pursuit He will not give up until He wins! And I have the same thoughts...wow that is some fight! It brings me some comfort to know that He is still fighting for me.