Caregiver's University

As caregivers we are able to get in there and get things done. It sort of comes with the territory. No matter what our basic personality is, in just a short time of caregiving is good schooling on this topic. We learn rather quickly that in many cases, advocating for our loved one means rolling up our sleeves and getting 'er done.

Too bad there's not a Caregivers University where we can go to learn the skills needed. We could get a diploma once we learned it all and of course passed our internship where we learned all the ropes using a hands-on approach. Of course I am speaking tongue-in-cheek as it would be impossible for someone to teach us what we've learned.

Of course there is no such school and we are not going to get a diploma for our learning. But we do a lot of learning about a lot of things once we become a caregiver, including things about ourselves. Even though I'm pretty high strung and hyper most of the time I let a lot of things slide as a person. I wouldn't get in there and fight for stuff - I'd just take the wrong and walk away in most instances. Early on in the caregiving journey I learned that this approach was not going to work, People do not just do their jobs - they want to do as little as possible and still get paid. That can lead to some frustration for us. Until we learn how to fight.

During the four months we stayed in the hospital after my son's initial head injury, I learned that something Madea said was true. She said you only have to go crazy up in here one time. And I did that. It was premeditated I will admit. And I purposefully went out into the hall to throw my fit to get everyone's attention. I threw a good fit too and they came running! They took care of a very serious situation with my son that was having to wait until they were done with break. Suddenly every RN up there knew how to take out an infected, clogged catheter.

But as tough as we become or learn to be there is still an underlying humility, or there should be. Let's face it, there are parts of our job that others are not willing to do. We don't go around talking about those midnight messes we have to clean up and things like that. How can you not be humble when you are meeting the very basic personal needs of another person. Things others won't think of stooping to do? Humility comes with the package too, just like tenacity. They work together to make us stronger, better individuals.

James 4:6 says that God gives grace to the humble. When I was in the church scene sometimes we were indirectly taught that we could take a scripture and wave it around in God's face long enough to get Him to do what we wanted. It wasn't on purpose but we were sort of taught to be full of pride and come to God like I did in the hallway at that hospital in Shreveport. Screaming and yelling and telling them all what-for! But God acts on true humility.

In the next verses it says if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. We don't have to act up to get His attention, we already have it. Micah 6:8 says that all God requires is for us to walk humbly  with Him. True humility has us walking alongside Him, but never out in front. Never with our fists raised in the air (although I have thrown a few fits with God too....they didn't work.) but with humility.

It takes true strength to lose ourselves enough to be humble with Him. Humility is not weakness, although it is often mistaken for it. Humility says I yield to You and Your work in my life. We become the sheep, and let Him be the Shepherd. That can be difficult for caregivers, especially since we are so used to getting things done. 

Today I will slow down and walk humbly with Him. Not out front, not lagging behind; but alongside Him so I can be with Him on this journey. My meditation will be in Psalm 100 - I will think about how I am one of His people and a sheep in His pasture. I willingly submit my will to His today and let Him shepherd me. I will ask Him questions - and then wait for His answers. Will you join me? 

Present Continuous Action

At the end of the day, we have to be honest with ourselves about everything. I have to look back and wonder if I fully trusted Him or if I tried to take the control of situations on myself.

Yesterday, we discussed Psalm 91 and today I want to look at one little phrase: I am trusting Him. It's found in the last part of verse 2. It demonstrates the present continuous tense. It means, I am trusting Him right now - and I will continue to do so into the future.

There are so many things in the caregiver's day/life that are unpredictable. We never know when our loved one might become ill, or suffer a fall even though we are careful and take the necessary precautions. Shipments of supplies often get lost and we have to make purchases to make up the difference; or aides don't show up at their scheduled time. I've had case managers and nurses call to come by at the drop of a hat. And in my instance, I never know exactly how my son is going to take any given day. Some days he's compliant and relaxed and others he is uptight and resistant for no apparent reason. After a while it can all start stacking up into a very unpredictable mess. We can find ourselves in a state of constant change trying to keep up with the craziness of each day. (Just a personal note - for us "Type A's" this can be very difficult! ) (smile)

No matter what a day brings all I know is that every day we continue to trust Him. When this caregiving journey began, Psalm 121 became very real to me. Verse 2 says My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. I knew that we had excellent doctors and medical professionals working with my son - but they were not my help. Only the Lord could help. As the caregiving journey has continued, the depth of trust has deepened. I am trusting Him. I have been trusting Him, continue to trust Him today and the action of trusting will continue on into the future. I'm not looking for any other options.

While my son was in ICU his friend lent me a guitar. I wrote a simple song based out of Psalm 121 using basically the same words. You can watch it via my Facebook page if you'd like using this link. I recorded it in my son's hospital room. It's my declaration that I will continue to trust Him no matter what a day or life throws at me.

Today I will meditate on how He is my help whether I have human "help"' or not! I will turn my thoughts to how He watches over our souls and protects us from the inside out. My mind will be set on His ever-abiding presence and I will rest in Him. Will you join me as we continue to trust Him?

What do you need that for?

Something as simple as a flower can be a bright spot in a day. When we walk through the park behind our apartments, we often find wild flowers growing sporadically along the side of the trail. It's been my practice for many years to simply enjoy this random beauty and allow it to lighten my heart. If that's the only reason God made wild flowers, then I am thankful. He usually has a reason or purpose for just about everything, we just don't always discover it right off.

This morning I was reading through a psalm that I grew up knowing. My mom read it to me when I was scared or troubled. As an adult I read it to my children as well. Psalm 91 I believe has been misinterpreted over the years to mean that nothing is going to happen to us if we stay hidden in Him. On one hand, I agree with the concept - our soul (being) is safe in Him. It is safe from any type of harm. Our body on the other hand, is susceptible to life.

As I was reading this familiar passage I paused to think. It starts out with Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge, He is my fortress; He is my God and I am trusting Him. 

There are a few things that stood out to me in these verses today. First of all, you don't need a shelter if there is no danger. Secondly, you don't need a refuge if there isn't a storm. Thirdly, you don't need a fortress if there isn't an enemy. The caregiver lives in a storm - so He's got us covered!

This entire psalm speaks of things that life might throw at us. Many circles misinterpret it to mean that if you trust God then nothing bad is going to happen. I think it is quite different than that. First of all, verse 8 implies that we are safe from the judgment of God and only the wicked will see it. But the long list of protective forces needed in this psalm indicate that there are things happening all the time; things we need to be protected from. It's not that we will never see difficulties or struggles - but that God is protecting us through them.

Verse 5 tells us that we will not be afraid of:

the terror by night

the arrow that flies by day

the pestilence stalking in darkness

the destruction that lies in wait at noon...

But it's all out there. We cannot stick our heads in the sand and pretend "bad things" do not exist. Life is full of trials, tests, and tribulations. That's why we need a shelter. He is always right here. No matter where here is - He's got it covered; He's got us covered. All we have to do is run to Him.

Today I will meditate on His divine protection of my soul. I will allow Him to bathe my mind, will and emotions in His peace and protection. I will rest in Him today and allow Him to be my protector and my shield. I will let Him take care of me today - He is my caregiver. Will you join me?

When the journey gets Long

The hospital is a familiar place for many caregivers. We lived there for over 4 months after my son's accident. And then there are times when it seems like we make so many trips they should offer us rewards like frequent flyer miles or something. (smile) Feeding tubes fall out, O2 levels drop below 90, falls or any number of things specific to an individual's care can send you running right back up there. Initially we had tons of friends coming to sit with us. But when the journey got longer they seemed to start disappearing quickly.

After the hospital stay we were in two nursing homes and a couple of rehab facilities before we were able to settle in at home. Even though our lives were still changing and evolving everyone seemed to make the assumption that we were home, so everything was okay. They thought things were returning to normal. But in reality we were just trying to find a new normal. And of course, caregiving is a whole different world.

Friends seemed to disappear even though a few are still in contact. Becoming a caregiver can be difficult on friends. It's like they think it changes you. And in some ways it definitely does over time just like life itself. But just because you became a caregiver doesn't mean the core of you changed. You still have the same sense of humor (necessary for caregiving!), like your coffee the same way and still enjoy doing some of the same things - if there is time.

Having friends who walk away can feel like betrayal. And that's what we find in Micah 7. The prophet is describing a very rough time and a time of betrayal by even family members, which happens a lot too. In many cases it's just that people no longer know what to do with us. Our journey as we step into a caregiving role becomes longer and more difficult than they can handle. And in many cases they don't know what to say, how to help or how to make it better so they do and say nothing. It feels like betrayal.

We make a lot of jokes about Job's friends in his Biblical account. And even though they got pretty rough with him later on - early in his journey they were prime examples of true friends. When they heard he was ill and was going through a horrible time - they came and sat. They had no words; but they sat with him in silent mourning for 7 days. What a picture of true heart-felt compassion for a friend. There wasn't anything they could do to make it better but they were present for his journey.

I have friends who are present on this journey of caregiving. But I've also had some for whom the journey got too long, too difficult and they walked away. During those times when the feelings of betrayal seem to saturate our souls, we can say what Micah did in chapter 7 verse 7: But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. 

When our friends can't hear us - God can. When our friends are not present for our journey - God is. When we face days all alone - God is with us and can hear us. He hears our weeping in the night hours when friends and family are not around. He hears and He can endure the journey.

Today I will meditate on the truth that God has not bailed ship. He is still walking on this caregiving journey with me. It hasn't gotten too long or too difficult for Him. I will rejoice in the truth that He ain't going nowhere! He will remain on this journey with me. I will turn my thoughts to His ever abiding, patient presence in my life today. Will you join me?

When the Word uses Words

Many people think the life of the caregiver is one full of constant distress. In one way this is true in that there is never a dull moment and always something or someone to tend to. But once the initial shock is over, and we accept our role and find a new normal, life just goes on like it does for everybody else.

That's of course not to say that the caregiver's life is an easy one or that we are not concerned and busy with many different tasks....daily. Even though our minds and bodies go a hundred miles an hour all of our waking hours, there can still be an underlying heart peace.


John 14:27 tells us that God gives us a peace that is not like the world's version of peace, which is not peace at all. I have to be the first one to say that not letting my heart be troubled and not letting  my heart be afraid are not easy tasks and it takes a lot of effort on my part.

He gives us His peace; a peace that is way beyond our understanding (Philippians 4:7.It is up to us whether or not we yield our hearts to His peace. It's there - He gave it. But it's on us to tap into it, relax with it and enjoy it.

One of my favorite people is Tyler Perry who writes and plays the character Madea in plays and movies. In Diary of a Mad Woman, Madea shares a word of wisdom straight from Tyler Perry's heart. In this scene Madea is talking about the story where the disciples were in the boat with Jesus and a storm arose and Jesus stood up and said three simple words, Peace be still.

Madea's point is this. Jesus is the word according to John 1:1. And in this story the Word is using words. When the Word speaks words He speaks them in past, present and future tense. So when Jesus said Peace be still.  Peace was already still. So according to Madea (Tyler Perry) peace was still, peace is still and peace is still being still! While Madea's method is a little unorthodox, what she says in this scene is revelatory.

Peace is eternal it is up to us to tap into the source. Then the next task is to keep our hearts there and allow His peace to reign in our hearts. (Colossians 3:15)

Today I will make a conscious effort to allow the peace He gives to rule in my heart. I will fight off anything that comes to disrupt this peace. My meditation will be on how His peace is eternal and never goes away. Today I will rest in His peace. Will you join me?

Rest? Who Needs Rest?

When I first brought my son home I soon realized that a good night's sleep was a thing of the past. It was like having an infant again where even if they sleep well, you wake up with every little sound they make. I finally adjusted and relaxed a bit until now I do get some sleep.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm pretty high strung and very active inside and out. I hate to sleep - I know I need it but it seems like such a waste of time. Do you know what all I could get done in that 6 hours? Yes, 6 hours, that's what I try to give myself because I just can't stand to sleep away one-third of the day.


Actually, sleep and rest are two different things and as I have battled my own medical conditions of late (perhaps brought on by lack of sleep? *smile*) I have learned the importance of sleeping and resting. Sleep is the way we rest our bodies so they remain strong and fight off disease. But rest is an inside thing. Maybe that's why Jesus said in Matthew 11:29 that He would give us rest for our souls.  Our mind, will and emotions need to find that place of rest more than our bodies do. If our minds are going too fast or our emotions run high there is no good sleep anyway. Our mind and emotions can rob our bodies of necessary rest.

God understands the caregiver's need for rest; and He is gentle with us. There are days when we think we cannot move one more step. And then have to take our loved one to urgent care or the ER. We step up and do what needs to be done knowing that when we do get back home it's going to be a long night. We can go without sleep, and many of us do much of the time; but He can give us rest for our souls.

There is a place in Him where our souls can be comforted on the most difficult of days. Hebrews 4:9 tells us that there remains a Sabbath rest for His people. Even though the caregiver's life is far from normal to others and it can be very hectic - there is a rest we can walk in. Remember Matthew 11:29? Jesus prefaced that by saying Come to me. Even though the church tends to ignore the caregiver, Jesus does not shun us because we look different and live differently than others. He reaches into our chaotic, painful world and gently says, "Come to me and I will give you rest."

Today I will make a conscious effort to come to Him. My meditation will be on the truth that He loves me and cares for me. I will turn my thoughts to working at resting in Him. Will you join me?

Un-sacrificial Sacrifice

There is no picture perfect view of a caregiver as each situation is unique. Some caregivers spend time looking in on a loved one and checking to make sure things are going along smoothly while others provide total care for their loved one. No matter where we fit on that scale caregivers give up some portion of their lives to take care of another.

In 2008 I was perched to explore the world. I had gotten rid of everything, moved to Chicago and was scheduled to go to South Africa the following January with a Bible school. Those hopes and dreams faded after I received the phone call about my son's wreck. Instead of flying to Africa, I was headed back to Louisiana to be with my son. Although it was quite the process to work through- It doesn't feel like a sacrifice; it's just what needed to be done.

In Philippians 3:7-10 Paul talks about how he gave up everything to know Christ. Verse 10 states he was conformed to His death. As a caregiver we allow ourselves to "die" in order to provide for our loved ones. We give up something on some level to be able to do what we do to care for someone else. We are acquainted with sacrifice; and we look like Him. 

Earlier in Philippians 2:6-7, Paul stated that Jesus emptied Himself He made Himself nothing, humbled Himself and became like us. Why? Hebrews 12:2 says that He did it for the joy set before Him. He did not consider the cross in His death - but He considered us.

While caregivers may or may not feel  like we are sacrificing anything, there are times we realize we really lost our lives in the shuffle.  As difficult as it is sometimes there is a joy and a satisfaction that comes from caring for a loved one. I'll be the first to stand up and say it is a difficult journey and a battle everyday. But I count that all as nothing because of the love for my son.

Jesus felt the same way about us. He willingly gave it all up and laid it all down and counted it as joy; not a sacrifice.  When we lay down our lives to any extent for our loved ones, we look a lot like Him.

Today I will think about how great a love God has for us - that He prepared a way for us to get back to Him before He ever said, "Let there be light." I will meditate on what value He must place on us to love and care for us that much. I will smile today in light of His unsacrificial sacrifice and I will rejoice that He loves us as much as we love the ones we care for. Will you join me?