Life's Not Fair - But He Is

One of the things I prayed when I started this caregiving journey was that it would not make me bitter. I didn't want to grow old and angry at life. My prayer was that God would use the pressurized situation to make me a softer person and that it would temper me into a vessel He could use.

But let's face it, we have a lot we could complain about. After all, life has dealt us what many would call an unfair blow; our lives will never be considered "normal" again. But I can't complain; or can I?

Paul told the Philippians to do all things without grumbling or complaining. (Phil. 2:14) Why did he have to say "all"? There's not much leeway there - and absolutely no exceptions or disclaimers. But... the caregiver might argue - we have a lot to complain about:

• we gave up our lives for our loved ones...and we miss it!
• our helpers didn't show up today
• medical professionals are not listening to us
• we've called the doctor 3 times and they aren't returning our calls
• we're tired
• we're lonely
• family isn't helping us like they promised
• money is short
• our friends disappeared......

All things Paul said. Why? Why aren't we as caregivers exempt from this one? Because we are the picture of the humility of Christ. We are not running this race to gain a thing; but just to get to the end. When we face our Lord in the end we will know we did not run in vain. We are running for Him; and not for what we can get out of life. Ultimately we live, run, work, and caregive to look like Him.

Isn't looking like Him the goal of every Christian? Remember Paul said we are predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son. (Romans 8:29) We did not lose our religion when we became a caregiver and our goals as believers really didn't change. Our goal has always been to look like Him and to represent Him here on earth. The good news is that we can attain this goal!  The bad news is - it's really difficult and takes a lot of work on our part. 

Life may be not fair at times, but our goal of conforming to His image is fair. As believers we all have to do it. No matter what life throws at us, where we work, who we take care of, how rich or poor we are- ultimately our goal is to look like Him. No one is exempt and there are no exclusions. That's fair. God gave us an even playing field and it's the same for everyone. 

Today I will meditate on what it means to look like Him and what types of adjustments I might need to make in my attitude. My meditations will be on yielding to Him with my whole heart and letting Him shape me into His image. Will you join me?

Grace for the Journey

"Humble" is not a word many use to describe me! I'm rambunctious, loud, crazy and full of energy. (I run half marathons for fun on my "days off"! lol) Humility or the action of being humble has been misinterpreted. Moses wrote in Numbers 12:3 that Moses was very humble, more than any man on the face of the earth. But by our definition, writing about being humble is in direct contradiction to humility.

Humility really means knowing who you are. For the Christian it means knowing who we are in Christ and who God has called us to be; then just walking in it.

In Philippians the second chapter, Paul gives us a picture of Christ-like humility. A Christian, one who is Christ-like will:

• do nothing out of selfishness
• regard others more important than themselves
• not look out solely for their own interests

Paul goes on to say in verse 5 that these are the attributes of Christ. This just lets us know that as caregivers, we look like Him as we have discussed many times before. Verse 7 says that He emptied Himself and that he took the form of a servant in order to take the form of a man.These are the attributes of humility and I believe we see them demonstrated in the life of a caregiver as well.

For the most part, as caregivers we get nothing for our work. There is no pay, no compensation, and many times no help at all. But in James 4:6 the Bible says that He gives grace to the humble. Proverbs 3:34 states that He gives grace to the afflicted. He is going to give us the grace to make it through the trials and stresses of each day.

He is giving us the grace to be able to survive each day of caregiving. As we demonstrate Christ-like humility to our loved ones, and to the world who is looking in - He offers us grace to make it. Because we humbled ourselves and took on the form of a servant, we have grace to survive. Our lives have been lost in the giving of care for our loved ones. It is an act of humility to lay our life and self aside in order to serve someone else. In the process we paint a picture of Christ-like love for the world to see.

Today I am going to meditate on how Jesus gave Himself as an act of humility. As I serve my loved one today I will think about how I look like Him. I will consider how He gives grace for this journey and I will be thankful on purpose for His humility. Will you join me?

Making Plans

Making plans can be difficult when you are a caregiver. Whether you are taking your loved one out for the afternoon, on a longer trip or going out yourself and leaving a sitter with them, it's a lot of work. There can be so many things that have to be thought out and arranged. And then because there are so many unexpected things that can happen in the caregiving situation, plans can easily be thwarted. Having plans interrupted can be particularly frustrating, especially for those who are not able to get out much to begin with. But it happens all the time.

Philippians 1:6 is a reminder that God never has his plans interrupted. It simply states He who began a good work in you will complete it.  BC (before caregiving) I had dreams and actual plans of traveling internationally. I was headed to Africa in a few short months and had a heart to reach many nations. My plans were dropped when I received word my son was medi-flighted from the scene of an accident. For awhile it remained a source of confusion and anger actually. Why didn't I get to do what God put in my heart?  I worked through some very negative emotions to just be okay with the fact my dreams were not going to happen. My biggest questions came because I thought they were God-given dreams that were never going to happen.

As time went on I found ways to work online. I ended up teaching for three different international English schools and hung a world map over my computer so I could visually connect with where my students were located in the world. I have had students in China,the  Philippines, South Korea, Japan, Brazil, Russia, and Germany. My writing clients have also come from all over the world. I also connected with Christians in Pakistan and have actually taught classes at a school there on more than one occasion via Skype. I started putting pins in my world map to mark the nations I traveled to via the internet. One day I looked up and realized I've "been" a lot of places...the dream did come true -just not exactly the way I had planned for it to.

Caregiving and life in general do not change God's plans. He will do what He said and life can't change it. Of course my big question for Him is Is that all you had planned for my son? But his story is still reaching many lives and they are getting chances to hear his music and read his words so Chris' story is still out there. Even though he can't talk - people are hearing his voice and what his life said. My point? God still has a plan. He never looks up and says Wait. How did that happen. Or I didn't see that coming. He has a plan and it will happen. What He says still goes.

Today I will meditate on the truth that His plans for me were not interrupted by caregiving - they just look different. I will think about how God's plans are solid and done. I will rest today in the fact that I can rest in Him as He brings them to pass in my life; and in my son's life. I will not let the circumstances talk me out of believing everything God has said. I will meditate on His faithfulness today. Will you join me?

Caregiver's University

As caregivers we are able to get in there and get things done. It sort of comes with the territory. No matter what our basic personality is, in just a short time of caregiving is good schooling on this topic. We learn rather quickly that in many cases, advocating for our loved one means rolling up our sleeves and getting 'er done.

Too bad there's not a Caregivers University where we can go to learn the skills needed. We could get a diploma once we learned it all and of course passed our internship where we learned all the ropes using a hands-on approach. Of course I am speaking tongue-in-cheek as it would be impossible for someone to teach us what we've learned.

Of course there is no such school and we are not going to get a diploma for our learning. But we do a lot of learning about a lot of things once we become a caregiver, including things about ourselves. Even though I'm pretty high strung and hyper most of the time I let a lot of things slide as a person. I wouldn't get in there and fight for stuff - I'd just take the wrong and walk away in most instances. Early on in the caregiving journey I learned that this approach was not going to work, People do not just do their jobs - they want to do as little as possible and still get paid. That can lead to some frustration for us. Until we learn how to fight.

During the four months we stayed in the hospital after my son's initial head injury, I learned that something Madea said was true. She said you only have to go crazy up in here one time. And I did that. It was premeditated I will admit. And I purposefully went out into the hall to throw my fit to get everyone's attention. I threw a good fit too and they came running! They took care of a very serious situation with my son that was having to wait until they were done with break. Suddenly every RN up there knew how to take out an infected, clogged catheter.

But as tough as we become or learn to be there is still an underlying humility, or there should be. Let's face it, there are parts of our job that others are not willing to do. We don't go around talking about those midnight messes we have to clean up and things like that. How can you not be humble when you are meeting the very basic personal needs of another person. Things others won't think of stooping to do? Humility comes with the package too, just like tenacity. They work together to make us stronger, better individuals.

James 4:6 says that God gives grace to the humble. When I was in the church scene sometimes we were indirectly taught that we could take a scripture and wave it around in God's face long enough to get Him to do what we wanted. It wasn't on purpose but we were sort of taught to be full of pride and come to God like I did in the hallway at that hospital in Shreveport. Screaming and yelling and telling them all what-for! But God acts on true humility.

In the next verses it says if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. We don't have to act up to get His attention, we already have it. Micah 6:8 says that all God requires is for us to walk humbly  with Him. True humility has us walking alongside Him, but never out in front. Never with our fists raised in the air (although I have thrown a few fits with God too....they didn't work.) but with humility.

It takes true strength to lose ourselves enough to be humble with Him. Humility is not weakness, although it is often mistaken for it. Humility says I yield to You and Your work in my life. We become the sheep, and let Him be the Shepherd. That can be difficult for caregivers, especially since we are so used to getting things done. 

Today I will slow down and walk humbly with Him. Not out front, not lagging behind; but alongside Him so I can be with Him on this journey. My meditation will be in Psalm 100 - I will think about how I am one of His people and a sheep in His pasture. I willingly submit my will to His today and let Him shepherd me. I will ask Him questions - and then wait for His answers. Will you join me? 

Present Continuous Action

At the end of the day, we have to be honest with ourselves about everything. I have to look back and wonder if I fully trusted Him or if I tried to take the control of situations on myself.

Yesterday, we discussed Psalm 91 and today I want to look at one little phrase: I am trusting Him. It's found in the last part of verse 2. It demonstrates the present continuous tense. It means, I am trusting Him right now - and I will continue to do so into the future.

There are so many things in the caregiver's day/life that are unpredictable. We never know when our loved one might become ill, or suffer a fall even though we are careful and take the necessary precautions. Shipments of supplies often get lost and we have to make purchases to make up the difference; or aides don't show up at their scheduled time. I've had case managers and nurses call to come by at the drop of a hat. And in my instance, I never know exactly how my son is going to take any given day. Some days he's compliant and relaxed and others he is uptight and resistant for no apparent reason. After a while it can all start stacking up into a very unpredictable mess. We can find ourselves in a state of constant change trying to keep up with the craziness of each day. (Just a personal note - for us "Type A's" this can be very difficult! ) (smile)

No matter what a day brings all I know is that every day we continue to trust Him. When this caregiving journey began, Psalm 121 became very real to me. Verse 2 says My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. I knew that we had excellent doctors and medical professionals working with my son - but they were not my help. Only the Lord could help. As the caregiving journey has continued, the depth of trust has deepened. I am trusting Him. I have been trusting Him, continue to trust Him today and the action of trusting will continue on into the future. I'm not looking for any other options.

While my son was in ICU his friend lent me a guitar. I wrote a simple song based out of Psalm 121 using basically the same words. You can watch it via my Facebook page if you'd like using this link. I recorded it in my son's hospital room. It's my declaration that I will continue to trust Him no matter what a day or life throws at me.

Today I will meditate on how He is my help whether I have human "help"' or not! I will turn my thoughts to how He watches over our souls and protects us from the inside out. My mind will be set on His ever-abiding presence and I will rest in Him. Will you join me as we continue to trust Him?

What do you need that for?

Something as simple as a flower can be a bright spot in a day. When we walk through the park behind our apartments, we often find wild flowers growing sporadically along the side of the trail. It's been my practice for many years to simply enjoy this random beauty and allow it to lighten my heart. If that's the only reason God made wild flowers, then I am thankful. He usually has a reason or purpose for just about everything, we just don't always discover it right off.

This morning I was reading through a psalm that I grew up knowing. My mom read it to me when I was scared or troubled. As an adult I read it to my children as well. Psalm 91 I believe has been misinterpreted over the years to mean that nothing is going to happen to us if we stay hidden in Him. On one hand, I agree with the concept - our soul (being) is safe in Him. It is safe from any type of harm. Our body on the other hand, is susceptible to life.

As I was reading this familiar passage I paused to think. It starts out with Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge, He is my fortress; He is my God and I am trusting Him. 

There are a few things that stood out to me in these verses today. First of all, you don't need a shelter if there is no danger. Secondly, you don't need a refuge if there isn't a storm. Thirdly, you don't need a fortress if there isn't an enemy. The caregiver lives in a storm - so He's got us covered!

This entire psalm speaks of things that life might throw at us. Many circles misinterpret it to mean that if you trust God then nothing bad is going to happen. I think it is quite different than that. First of all, verse 8 implies that we are safe from the judgment of God and only the wicked will see it. But the long list of protective forces needed in this psalm indicate that there are things happening all the time; things we need to be protected from. It's not that we will never see difficulties or struggles - but that God is protecting us through them.

Verse 5 tells us that we will not be afraid of:

the terror by night

the arrow that flies by day

the pestilence stalking in darkness

the destruction that lies in wait at noon...

But it's all out there. We cannot stick our heads in the sand and pretend "bad things" do not exist. Life is full of trials, tests, and tribulations. That's why we need a shelter. He is always right here. No matter where here is - He's got it covered; He's got us covered. All we have to do is run to Him.

Today I will meditate on His divine protection of my soul. I will allow Him to bathe my mind, will and emotions in His peace and protection. I will rest in Him today and allow Him to be my protector and my shield. I will let Him take care of me today - He is my caregiver. Will you join me?

When the journey gets Long

The hospital is a familiar place for many caregivers. We lived there for over 4 months after my son's accident. And then there are times when it seems like we make so many trips they should offer us rewards like frequent flyer miles or something. (smile) Feeding tubes fall out, O2 levels drop below 90, falls or any number of things specific to an individual's care can send you running right back up there. Initially we had tons of friends coming to sit with us. But when the journey got longer they seemed to start disappearing quickly.

After the hospital stay we were in two nursing homes and a couple of rehab facilities before we were able to settle in at home. Even though our lives were still changing and evolving everyone seemed to make the assumption that we were home, so everything was okay. They thought things were returning to normal. But in reality we were just trying to find a new normal. And of course, caregiving is a whole different world.

Friends seemed to disappear even though a few are still in contact. Becoming a caregiver can be difficult on friends. It's like they think it changes you. And in some ways it definitely does over time just like life itself. But just because you became a caregiver doesn't mean the core of you changed. You still have the same sense of humor (necessary for caregiving!), like your coffee the same way and still enjoy doing some of the same things - if there is time.

Having friends who walk away can feel like betrayal. And that's what we find in Micah 7. The prophet is describing a very rough time and a time of betrayal by even family members, which happens a lot too. In many cases it's just that people no longer know what to do with us. Our journey as we step into a caregiving role becomes longer and more difficult than they can handle. And in many cases they don't know what to say, how to help or how to make it better so they do and say nothing. It feels like betrayal.

We make a lot of jokes about Job's friends in his Biblical account. And even though they got pretty rough with him later on - early in his journey they were prime examples of true friends. When they heard he was ill and was going through a horrible time - they came and sat. They had no words; but they sat with him in silent mourning for 7 days. What a picture of true heart-felt compassion for a friend. There wasn't anything they could do to make it better but they were present for his journey.

I have friends who are present on this journey of caregiving. But I've also had some for whom the journey got too long, too difficult and they walked away. During those times when the feelings of betrayal seem to saturate our souls, we can say what Micah did in chapter 7 verse 7: But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. 

When our friends can't hear us - God can. When our friends are not present for our journey - God is. When we face days all alone - God is with us and can hear us. He hears our weeping in the night hours when friends and family are not around. He hears and He can endure the journey.

Today I will meditate on the truth that God has not bailed ship. He is still walking on this caregiving journey with me. It hasn't gotten too long or too difficult for Him. I will rejoice in the truth that He ain't going nowhere! He will remain on this journey with me. I will turn my thoughts to His ever abiding, patient presence in my life today. Will you join me?