Is there a scripture for that?

One of the things I do that drives other people simply mad is needing a scripture for almost everything. But as we know from life in general, as well as caregiving, there's not always a scripture to match a particular situation.

When I am afraid, I can run to Psalms and find passages to help calm my fears. If I come up on financial struggles, I can find scriptures pertaining to God as our provider. Even when I am sick, I can run to our standard group of healing scriptures. And if I don't find immediate relief in any of these circumstances, finding a scripture or passage that is related helps give me something to stand on. Even when the tasks associated with caregiving become overwhelming I have a set of Psalms handy to remind me where to take a heavy or burdened heart - right back to Him.

But it can be difficult to find a scripture that pertains to everything - caregiving or not. There are tons of little things that we don't talk about but that can nag at us. I'm mostly over it now, but for a long time it really bothered me when my son drooled when we were out in public. He does hold his head up better now so it's not quite so bad - but there's just something less than classy (not that I have any class to begin with! lol) about having to wipe drool off the mouth of my grown son... do you know what I mean? I don't mind doing it - I'm not exactly embarrassed by it - but there are times it can get to you.

And then of course there are those unmentionables.  I'm talking about the things we don't mention because we can't. I'll try to be discreet! But when there are incontinence issues there can be embarrassing situations when out in public. We deal with them the best we can- like placing a jacket over the lap if a soiled spot appears. One time I had to leave an appointment at a physician's office because we had a stinky situation. There's no scripture to look up for that one!

What do we do? In most of life's situations we can find a scripture that relates, or at least one that parallels what we are going through. But in these types of what can be awkward situations, where's the scripture for that?

As I was thinking along these lines this morning I think I found one. Isaiah 61:2 says He comforts all who mourn. I think this covers all types of mourning - or loss. And it covers all those things we cannot talk about freely. (But if we could - we'd have some stories to share!!lol) I think when I saw this scripture this morning - I just felt like God was trying to tell me that He's got us covered. No matter what we are dealing with today - and for the caregiver that can be a wide range of possibilities -  He's got us.

Today I will meditate on and accept the comfort God offers. I'm going to meditate on how He has me covered today. Whenever anything comes up in my mind that wants to trouble me today - I'm just going to remind myself that He has me and He's not going to let me go. Will you join me?

Why Does He Sing?

One of the biggest things I had to work through when I became a caregiver was music. I have played the guitar since I was about 13 (won't say how many years that has been!) and I've played the keyboard now for about 20 or so years. I also wrote poetry - started that sometime during my teen years and didn't even realize it for a long time. I don't know why.

Over time the two began to blend together and I wrote music, mostly worship songs. Right after my son's wreck I penned a few songs from a raw emotional state. And then I stopped. Music died. I didn't even want to listen to music much. My son had been a drummer and a song writer and an accomplished musician. It broke my heart to hear music of any kind; and sometimes it made me downright mad.

But over the last few months I have begun to return to that part of my heart and have a look around. I miss my son's music, but I was also missing my own. And I missed hearing Him sing over me.
Zephaniah 3:16 says this:

Cheer up, Zion! Don't be afraid!

For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you!

He is a mighty savior - He will rejoice over you with great gladness.

With His love, He will calm all your fears.

He will exult over you by singing a happy song. (NLT)

I have loved this verse ever since I first read it! We do not have to be afraid because God lives among us. And for the caregiver there are many fears - the church might condemn us for that and say they are lack of faith - but let them. We wonder about each day as well as the future. One of my greatest fears is how my son will be taken care of when I die. This verse says to not be afraid but also says He will calm our fears - with His love. Many time I need my fears calmed. Sometimes I need it many times a day...every day.

And then the last part says He will exult over us by singing a happy song. I love the picture that paints in my mind. I see myself on my knees - as I hold my son stretched out across my lap; and the Lord standing over me singing to me a song of peace. As He sings of His love for me and my son - my heart is filled with joyful peace and comfort. 

He is pleased with us as caregivers. We had to take on His very nature to be a caregiver (in my humble opinion). I honestly think He looks down at us and it puts a twinkle in His eye - because we look like Him. And when He sees us filled with His compassion, His care, His love for another - it makes His heart sing and He just can't hold it back!

Today I will listen for His song. I might find it in the most unusual places, but I'm going to listen for His heart today. My meditations will be focused on pressing in to His heart - and listening for Him instead of trying to get Him to listen to me today. I'll be reshifting my focus to hearing the steady beat of His heart for me.... will you join me?

Behind the Wheelchair

There were a lot of things that changed about my life when I became a caregiver. I used to run on "go" all the time, loved to be in a crowd, and enjoyed hiking, a lot.

The social isolation has been one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving for me. But I didn't really change that much as "me" - I just had to change a lot of what I did. I was still the same person who loved the same things I did before caregiving became my lot in life. I just had to stop many of the things I was doing because something more important needed to be taken care of, my son.

Even though I've always been a very (and I mean very) social and personable person, it's more difficult to develop relationships now for me. I know one reason is that we can't do some of the things others do to build relationships. You know, there's no meeting up for a movie, a cup of coffee or a walk in the park. Even if we do schedule it we have to be willing to drop our plans at the last minute because our loved one is not up to it, they (or we) become sick or any number of crazy things that can happen.

And sometimes it's because people don't see anything past our caregiving. They forget we are a real person behind the wheelchair. Maybe they don't think about getting past the caregiving to the person we are inside, maybe they don't know how. And maybe we don't know how to get out of the box either.

Even though caregiving has brought about many character and lifestyle changes in me, I'm still me. I still like music, I love a good game, I'm all up into sports and I still like my coffee, a good funny movie and my guitar. Sometimes I feel very alone because people don't look past the wheelchair at this person....a caregiver is still a person. It can be a very lonely place.

I'm so thankful that God is intimately acquainted  with me. He knows me inside and out - and he's not afraid of the wheelchair. Psalm 139 gives us a glimpse of how closely He lives to us. He knows my thoughts (cuss words included) and He's not scared away. He feels me and still presses in to be intimately acquainted with me. I love this verse in Exodus 34:14 it says:

You must worship no other gods,

but only the Lord,

For He is a God who is 

passionate about His relationship with you. (NLT)

So even though it feels like those around us don't "push past" who we are and the role we play as caregivers, God is not too scared to be passionate about a relationship. He still wants to know us inside and out. He didn't put any disclaimers on this or any other verse that says, unless you are a caregiver. He still loves us, cares for us, and wants to be in a close relationship with us.

Today I am going to purposefully rejoice that He wants to be with me, even when I can't understand why. I will turn my thoughts to the truth that He passionately pursues me... me.. the caregiver. And I will bask in the fact that He isn't looking for a way out of an "uncomfortable" situation. He doesn't feel awkward talking to me or being with me. I will turn my heart to Him to welcome Him into my world today. Will you join me?

When in Doubt

When I woke up this morning I was having lots of trouble adjusting my attitude. I'm sure that's foreign to many of you - but after a night of tossing and turning it just happens. When sleep evades me - attitudes abound.

Did you ever just doubt it all? I doubt He loves me, doubt He cares for me, doubt He is with me, doubt He protects me... and the list goes on and on. My mind goes fast so in a matter of seconds I can have every area "covered" in doubt and frustration.

My thoughts run along lines like if He loves me and truly cares for me why has this happened to me? Is this what He really thinks about me and my son? I'm sure I'm the only one who has these little switches that get flipped and then a barrage of questions are hurled out all at one time. It seems worse during times of illness whether it is me or my son.

This morning I got my son bolused and situated and then brought my coffee to my recliner kicked my feet up and started trying to sort through all these questions. For some reason, I'd like to think God led me to it - I thought of the old hymn The Anchor Holds. It remains a favorite in my family. I thought in particular of the part that says:

The anchor holds

though the ship is battered

The anchor holds

though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees

As I've faced the raging seas

The anchor holds

in spite of the storm...

It doesn't seem to matter to God how much I doubt and pout - He always has an answer. Immediately my mind went to Paul's shipwreck in Acts 27. He basically told them I told you not to take this journey to start with and this damage wouldn't have occurred then he says keep up the courage and he told that to them two or three times more. 

I figure since they were warned by God to NOT go on the journey and went anyway - and God gave them courage to deal with the situation- He can give us courage too. We are here by no fault of our own. These guys barely made it from the boat to land. Many of them floated on whatever pieces they could find. I feel that way sometimes; like I'm clinging to anything solid I can find. Just let me make it to land.....just for today.

So then another scripture comes to mind. Someone shared it with me the other day and I've read it about every day since. It's from the Message Bible and it says this:

Don't for a minute let this Book of the Revelation be out of mind.

Ponder and meditate on it day and night,

making sure you practice everything written in in.

Then you'll get where you are going;

then you'll succeed.

Haven't I commanded you?

Strength! Courage!

Don't be timid, don't get discouraged.

God, your God is with you every step of the way.

I have to say that caregivers in general are not a timid breed. We've taken life by the horns and bulled our way through. We can be some pretty tough critters when we need to be. But we do get discouraged, tired, weary and worn. We have to reach out there and fight for all sorts of things as we advocate for our loved ones. Today we can also take something else - Let's take courage. 

God hasn't abandoned us. He hasn't forgotten us. He is still with us. Faith is knowing that when we definitely don't feel it.

Today I will encourage myself with these scriptures and I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He is with me every step of the way. I don't get to skip any steps - and they may all feel like they are uphill... but He has not left my side. I'm going to grab hold of what little bit of faith I feel I have left and trust Him for one more day's worth of strength and courage. Will you join me?

When God Looks at Me

Sometimes I wonder just what God sees when He looks at me. Just like everyone else I wear many hats and play many roles in life and being a caregiver is just one of them. But when He looks at me, does He just see a caregiver? Does He see a mother caring for her child? Or perhaps He sees me as a grandmother playing with her grandchildren.

Maybe He sees me as a sister, or as a child caring for her aging parents. Or that crazy aunt everyone needs in their lives! lol

Does He look at me and see a runner? A blue belt in taekwondo?

He put the gift of music in my heart - maybe he sees a guitar player or a keyboardist. Does He see a songwriter or a singer? Maybe He sees me as a writer or a poet....

While I was meditating on this the other day this little poem popped out.

I see all the things you do...

I appreciate every part of you.

I see all the ways you spend your time

But when I look at you....

I see you are mine.

We are His. We belong to Him and He calls us His own. He doesn't just see us as a caregiver or any other role we play - He sees us as His precious possession. We are His. 

With these thoughts running around in my head I thought of a childhood experience. I had a doll when I was about 6 and my cousin J.R. loved that doll. He was a couple of years younger than me and we were rivals resembling that of siblings. I would not give J.R. my doll and would hide it from him when he came to my house because I didn't want him to carry it around and try to take it home with him.

His parents finally bought him a doll just like mine and I was relieved. That poor doll though. He carried it under his arm everywhere he went. I had given my doll up and gone on to more important things in life and J.R. was still toting that dirty, limp doll every where he went. One day the body detached from the head. But J.R. didn't let go - he just kept carrying that head around with him everywhere he went. Why? Because it was his. It belonged to him.

Even in our most broken state - God will not let go. He loves us far beyond J.R.'s love of that doll. But he loves us and carries us with just as much passion. We are His! When He looks at us - He sees us and says, "that one is mine!" He claims us - even when family or friends won't - He is not ashamed to call us His own.

Today I will meditate on the truth that I belong to Him. My thoughts will be on Isaiah 43:1 where God says, "I have called you by name; You are mine." No matter what comes today - I will hold on to the truth that He gladly calls me his own. Will you join me?

The Flip Side of Everything

I've talked a lot about seeing God. My favorite story used for reference is Hagar when she realized God saw her and her son. But until this week, I hadn't thought about the flip side of that.

I was reading in Genesis about Abraham offering up Isaac. In chapter 22 verse 8 Abraham said "God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering." I know God does indeed provide for us and I have certainly experienced that on my caregiving journey. But the margin caught my eye as it gave an alternate interpretation of see for the word "provide." My loose interpretation is God will be seen.

I often rejoice in the fact that God can see me and knows my situation intimately. But I paused to ask can I see God?

Honestly, there are those times when I don't feel I can see Him at all. Usually it's at 3 or 4 in the morning when my son is running a fever or moaning in pain and I feel out of options. I must admit I have not acted much like a believer on some of those occasions. There have been many tears shed during those midnight hours and I've cried out God, where are you now? I must also admit I've said lots of other things to God that should not be said - but they were my honest feelings at the time. And I really believe He's big enough to handle our hurts, fears and feelings just as we interpret them in time. He knows eternity is bigger.

During those times that are rougher, it can be difficult to see God. But then He seems to march right into our reality and make Himself known and seen. I saw Him in the caring eyes of two little girls at the grocery store. They asked their mom if they could pray for my son. They had such a true compassion - I'm sure it came from Him.

I saw Him in a young man who reaches out to us and does a 5K to raise funds to help us get a handicap van. I saw Him in the xray technician last time we were in the hospital. I can't explain it, but  the way she touched my son with caring gentleness when taking an xray moved me to tears- because I saw His touch in her hands. (I even talked to her about it.) I've seen Him in the new church we found; people actually spoke to my son (who is non-verbal), accepted him, and even touched him....acted like he exists.

We can get so caught up in the busy-ness of caregiving and forget to see Him in our day to day lives.  But He is present and He is paying attention. Sometimes we just have to look for Him.

Today I am going to purposefully look  for His presence in my life. My thoughts will be on His ever abiding presence and how close He is even if I don't see or feel His presence. I'll look for Him  for when I seek Him - I will find Him. Will you join me?

What about Jakob?

I've read and reread the story of Joseph, and growing up in church it was one of the common Bible stories that we heard over and over. On one hand I think the caregiver can learn from Joseph's patience. He had a dream that seemed could never come true. Life betrayed him. I know the scriptures don't go into Joseph's thoughts but he had to have some serious dedication to God to not lose it during those waiting years.

I think of the betrayal by his brothers. Then the betrayal by Potiphar's wife. Not only did his brothers put him in a pit until they could sell him to the next passerby, Potiphar has him thrown into prison for something he didn't do. He spent a lot of time waiting, wondering, and trying to figure things out I would assume.

While our stories usually focus on Joseph and his determination to serve God through his trials, this weekend as I was rereading the story once again, I thought about Jakob.

In Genesis 37, it says that Jakob wept for Joseph and goes on to say he refused to be comforted. His other children all tried to console him, but his reply was I will go to my grave mourning for my son. He had no idea that Joseph was going to be his leader some day and he had no reason to believe that Joseph was alive - no hope that everything would be okay one day. He lived in grief.

The caregiver can experience what is called a living grief. Depending on the particulars of our situation, we can lose a lot. For my situation, my son is gone, but his body is still here. I have grieved the loss of my son but can't quite "put it away" since there was no funeral or burial. The grief continues. It's the same with my mom. She's experiencing dementia and is not really who she used to be. I have to grieve the loss, even though she's still technically here. 

Many caregivers experience this living grief and it can be some very complex emotions to work through.You can't just "move on" but there's still a sense of loss. Caregivers have given up something on some level no matter what their situation. Some give up jobs, freedom, friends, and many other aspects of life to care for a loved one.

1 Corinthians 1:3 says that God is the God of all comfort.  I really like this little word, all. God can comfort Joseph sitting in the prison cell wondering where the promise is; and God can comfort Jakob who feels like the promise was stolen and is gone forever. God can feel us. He gets us. And He will comfort and strengthen our hearts.

Today I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He gets me. He understands everything I am going through and He pours His strength into me - and gives me strength for today's journey. (everyday is a journey for caregivers) My meditations will be on the truth that He loves me with the same love I have for my son. (Insert whoever you are a caregiver for.) And instead of focusing on the loss today - I'll focus on His provision, His love, His strength, His patience with me and the grace He gives me to make it one more day. Will you join me?