What's in A Name

Yesterday after I wrote the devotion, I couldn't shake Job from my mind. I kept thinking about the last few verses of the book and how quickly it smoothed his "life" over with what seems to be a he lived happily ever after.

God restored Job's health and wealth and he went on to have more children. I thought about that for awhile. Just because he had 10 more kids doesn't mean he didn't miss his first set of kids. These 10 didn't make up for the loss of his first children. He had still raised them and loved them and his memories of them were still in tact.

On my caregiving journey I have good days and bad days. I have pictures of my son BC (before crash). Some days when I see them, they tear at my heart. I remember how he was and see him as he is. Other days, I enjoy the memories we made and honestly wouldn't trade for having had the opportunity to make them. Most days I miss him too much to express with words. Even though it's different now - I still love him - he's my son. Adding another son - would not replace him or the spot he has in my heart.

It can be easy to look at the end of Job's story and think it all worked out perfectly, and on one hand it did. But the loss of his children was never erased. Our losses as caregivers don't just disappear when we have a good day. A lot is really up to our attitude and how we take on the new while carrying the old. Every day is an opportunity to be swept under by our emotions and the struggles we face; or to rise above them. Some days, I have to admit, I do well to keep just the tip of my nose out of the water to keep from drowning. Other days I adjust well.

So with Job still on my mind this morning, I got up and opened my Bible to chapter 42 one more time. Then I decided to look up the meanings of the names of his daughters. Jemima was Job's first daughter after his trial. It means beautiful as the day. His second daughter was named Kezia and it means fragrant as a perfume. And his third daughter was named Keren-happuch which means child of beauty. He could have named them anything - and these are the names he chose. I think it's significant.

The names of his daughters were all focused on beauty. Even though he must have grieved the loss of his other children, he focused on the beauty of these ladies. It seems to me that Job was looking at the beauty of the moment instead of the pain of the past. Job embraced the new and moved forward positively.

For me, the pain of the loss of the past can be haunting, but today I will try to let it go. I will think about the beauty of the moment instead. I will meditate on the works I see God doing in and around me today and not focus on the losses endured. My thoughts will be on His restoration and His protection of my soul, and I will rest in Him once again. Will you join me?

Only One Word

I've always been intrigued by the story of Job in the Bible. When I was younger I didn't really get it; but as life unfolded it made more sense. And even though I would never even try to compare my situation to the hardship Job endured, I feel like in a small way I can relate to some of Job's experience. I have been known to look at people with open mouth and a blank stare when they compare themselves to Job and all they have is something like a broken fingernail or a flat tire. Ever hear one of those stories? Their car broke down or something and they are claiming they understand Job. And I'm like, really?

I'd have to say a caregiver's life is not nearly on the scale of what Job went through but it does help bring some understanding. Sadly, I'll never be able to say I didn't "sin with my mouth" during my journey of faith, but I can say I've always come back around to trusting God. Maybe that's the important part....

Here's what I was thinking about Job this morning. I skimmed through some of the discourse between he and his friends and still find ignorance amazing. Poor Job. Here he was having lost literally everything and now his friends are grieving him more by telling him it's all his fault because he had to have sinned somehow. I will say on this caregiving journey I had feelings that God must be punishing me and that there was some way I had displeased Him or He would not have allowed it to happen. Of course, as I read through all our Bible heroes I realized we all face something.

So I don't know how long Job was bullied by his friends and kept denying he'd done something wrong, but what I noted is that when God spoke - He said not one word about it. He didn't tell them Job was cool and his friends were crazy. When He finally spoke up He asked them Where were you?  I love chapter 38 as God describes HIS account of creation and how He set the boundaries for the waters of the earth and told "their proud waves" they could only come so far! These last chapters of Job are powerful as God and Job interact with God asking the questions and Job having no answers.

Then at the very end of chapter 42 God instructs Job's friends to go offer a sacrifice and have Job pray for them. How humbling that must have been for them after all they put Job through. And verse 8 sums it all up- God says to the friends: My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer on your behalf. I will not treat you as you deserve, for you have not been right in what you said about me, as my servant Job was. (NLT)

All that talking they did and God told them they were wrong in what they said about Him, and Job was right. That's all Job got - just that little phrase. But it was one word from God! And it was enough. By looking at God's answer to Job and his friends, I have to think Job was so confident in his relationship with God that he never questioned it. He knew he was righteous no matter what life hurled at him.

Today I am going to meditate on how God's righteousness is enough to cover me during the trial. My thoughts will be on how my righteousness is in Christ and there is nothing in heaven or in earth that can remove it from me. And I'm going to confidently rest in Him today. Will you join me?

Patient and Passionate

I like organization. But I'm beginning to think caregiving and organization are distinctly opposed to one another. No matter how much I try to organize or make a schedule to try and keep up - the further behind it seems I get. Playing "catch-up" is a daily game - and I keep losing, or so it seems.

Don't get me wrong - I am SO thankful for my jobs and being able to take care of my son. It's just that it seems like I put off the thing I feel is the most important to me. God.

It's not like I don't want to spend time with Him, it's just that when I get up at 5 each morning I make my coffee (real priorities here!) and bolus and change Chris. By the time I get set down to drink my first cup, there's tons of things in the forefront of my mind needing to be done, NOW! And so it begins - the circus I call a morning. The aide comes, there's errands to run. Every time I turn around it's time to feed Chris, which means pureeing another meal; or change him or do some therapy. When I'm not doing that - there's tons of work to do. I end most days feeling like I fall way short. Needless to say - I can easily get lost in the shuffle of a normal day.

When I get all caught up in the day-to-days, it's easy to remember I'm valuable to God - to anybody really. But the verse that comes to mind - and I have to remind myself of is Exodus 34:14 which says You must worship no other gods, but only the Lord,, for He is a God who is passionate about His relationship with you. He's patient and passionate. He so longs to be involved in my life and foremost in my heart. And while He passionately pursues us - He also patiently waits for us to "get it."

That fills me with awe for Who He is and how He loves us. We can know passion; and we can be patient - but how can those two dwell together? It seems like they are opposites like my attempts to be organized and caregiving are. Yet He is so determined to have us He will do anything He needs to in order to be with us. He can be patiently waiting - or passionately pursuing. But He's always desiring to be with us. He doesn't look at us and see a caregiver - He sees His beloved.

Today I'm going to meditate on the fact that he's waiting for me to sort through my day to spend time with Him. He is patient and passionate - and He wants to be with me. I'll turn my thoughts to stopping so He can catch me. I'm going to spend my day thinking about how to patiently, passionately pursue Him today. Will you join me?

When Nothing Changes

This morning my devotions led me to Psalm 104. It's been a long time favorite of mine so I read through it slowly and tried to let some of it just sink in. I'm a huge nature buff - or at least was BC (before caregiving) so I love the description of nature and creation. My mind really gets going when I go through all the different ways He provides for animals - and for us.

One of my favorite verses is 19, the New Living says this: You made the moon to mark the seasons and the sun knows when to set. The sun never reaches high noon and then forgets which way to go! The things He set in order - are still working perfectly today.

As a caregiver, sometimes remembering these seemingly little things helps, and sometimes it doesn't. Change is a big part of the world, of nature, of caregiving. But it's not always those things that change that bothers us - it's the things that don't. For the most part our day-to-days don't change a lot; it's always chaotic. We get up and it's not really a new day - it's more like another day. These are the things I was thinking about while reading Psalms this morning.

When I got to the last three verses, I took time to really think about them. Verses 34 and 35 say this:

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live
I will praise my God to my last breath!
May He be pleased by all these thoughts about Him,
for I rejoice in the Lord. (NLT)

When my son was first injured, it's an understatement to say my world got turned upside down. But even during the 3+ weeks I spent living in the ICU waiting room - I knew God had not changed. Even though my heart was in turmoil and I was going to face a re-defining of my faith over the next few years - I knew my circumstances didn't dictate a thing to God. No trauma, problem, battle or life circumstance has any control over Him and nothing knocks Him off His throne. He remains sovereign when life doesn't make sense - and when absolutely nothing changes when we pray.

I want to be able to say I sang to the Lord from the back of the cave! I want to be able to say I praised Him until I drew my last breath - no matter what happens in between drawing the first and the last breaths. And I hope He is pleased with my thoughts. To be realistic - I am sure He is not. I've doubted, pouted, cried, cussed, ranted and raved. And He's been big enough to handle it. He didn't get His feelings hurt and walk away. He didn't throw His hands up in total exasperation. He just sits on His throne - unmoved.

Today I am going to think about how He remains calm, stable, and steady in the midst of my storm. My meditations will be on how nothing can budge Him. Whether life changes in an instant - with one phone call - or if it doesn't change at all no matter how hard we pray- He doesn't change - He is still on the throne. That's what I'll be thinking about today - I hope it pleases Him. And I hope you'll join me.

He Never Gives Up

As a caregiver, emotions can be all over the place. I find that one second I'm feeling okay about everything, I have a positive outlook and I am ready to take on the world. The next second for no apparent reason, I'm upset, mad at the world and ready to call it quits. On everything. One second I'm in love with God and so thankful that He continues to strengthen me to do what I need to do; the next second I'm angry with Him for letting this happen. This can all be in a matter of a few minutes, or seconds depending on the day.

But you know what? None of that scares God off. As to this date, He has never thrown up His hands, said I can't deal with this anymore and walked away. People have told me that "not everyone can handle a large dose of you." Seriously - I was told that, by my mentor. Add things like that to living a life so totally different from the rest of the world and it's easy to have an identity crisis.

One thing that caregivers have to deal with and face is the fact that not everyone can make the journey with us. And for me, my heart hurts for my son too. Why? Because friends can only be friends if nothing changes. On one hand - it's totally understandable - he can no longer "contribute" to the relationship, right? He can't laugh, play, tell jokes, make his deeply philosophical statements anymore. So there's nothing.

For the caregiver, our lives are different than everyone else's too. Maybe we can or can't freely do things the rest of the world does - and many walk away. Or my favorite - they watch our lives from a distance, totally disconnected.

On both counts there can be such a sense of abandonment and alone-ness that swallows us up whole. It's not an easy journey to make alone, or with someone else.

I say all this to share a scripture that came to mind this morning during my devotions. I actually was looking at Joshua 1:8 about being of good courage. I read it in my NASB, then looked it up in the Message. And here is what I found a few verses back:

I won't give up on you;
I won't leave you. (v.6)
Strength! Courage! 
Don't be timid; don't get discouraged.
God, your God is with you every step of the way. (v. 9)

While this whole passage spoke deeply to me this morning - that one phrase I won't give up on you is what really got my attention. No matter who observes from a distance, because they don't know what to do if they get closer; no matter who walks away from us or our situation - for whatever reason - God will not give up on us!  He is in it for the long haul; and that is exactly what I needed to hear this morning.

Today I'm going to meditate on His determination to be with me on this journey. I'll think about how He does not get too frustrated at me, never throws up His hands and never quits because I'm too much for Him to handle. My thoughts will be on how He is pleased with me, loves me and carries me even when I am being stubborn and resistant to His grace. He patiently waits for me to settle back down and come back to Him for peace. Today - I will be re-positioning myself in His lap; and settling in His embrace. Will you join me?

Where Did the Sun Go?

In my devotions yesterday I talked about purposefully looking for a way that nature displays His glory. Well, I didn't actually get out of the house as is common for me. Between caregiving and job responsibilities who has time to get out? But I did discover something about God through nature.

I was watching some videos for my classes to be come a health coach and the speaker said something about the sun. He said something to the effect of "the sun doesn't stop shining if the flower doesn't respond by opening up." That's all my high-speed mind needed to run away. I took that thought and meditated on it for some time yesterday.

The sun doesn't get upset if plants don't respond by growing, blooming or bearing fruit. Day after day the sun "comes up" and does its job; but it can't make the plants respond. I have shared openly about my anger with God when my son became injured. I didn't (and still don't) understand how God could allow someone so full of passion, drive and music to suffer a brain injury. I went through my times of not talking to God and ignoring Him. But His mercy did not stop just because I did not respond.

Every morning the sun "comes up" and every evening it "sets." It continues to do its job no matter how the elements of the earth respond. Psalm 104:19 says the sun knows when to set. It never rises to the full day and then forgets which way to go, or what to do. What a picture of God the sun gives us each day.

He is constantly pouring forth His mercy whether we recognize and accept it or not. He doesn't waver or shut off His mercy, love, and care if we refuse or fail to respond. Like the flower that has to reach up to the sun to receive its nutrients, we have to reach up to our Father to receive life. But He is constantly pouring it out for us - on us. The flower doesn't have a choice - it automatically responds to the sunshine; and automatically opens up to receive all the sun has to offer. Unlike the flower, God gave us a will and the power to choose. I have to say that for a long time, I chose to ignore God. I was angry because my life was snatched away with one single phone call. My dreams were gone, my hope was gone - and I honestly didn't have the desire or energy to pursue them, or Him for a long time.

But what I have found is if we will relax and open up like that flower responds to the sun, He is still pouring out His love, mercy and grace. He didn't stop just because I stopped receiving. As a caregiver, I need Him more than ever before. The really cool thing about God is that He is always right there. Wherever we left Him - whatever that frustration point was (or is) that made us throw up our hands and walk away - He's still there. Like the sun - He is consistent in His intentions for us. We have to choose to be intentional with Him.

Today I am going to think about how God has not changed one iota with my circumstances. My meditations will be how He has remained reigning on the throne through my darkest seasons. I'll turn my thoughts to how His mercy never runs out - and the light is always on  even when I can't see it because of the night. My choice today is to respond to Him - even if I can't hear Him. Like the plant cannot hear the sun but opens up in response - so will I open my heart to respond to Him today. Will you join me?

What Was I Thinking?

If you know me at all whether in real life or through writing or Facebook, you know I'm an over-thinker. My mind races at 90+ miles per hour and I'm not even sure it slows down when my body sleeps. As a caregiver, this can be beneficial in that I will pursue something until I find an answer - or something that will work. Others have found it real annoying - but there's no "off" switch; or I haven't found one yet.

So this morning as soon as my feet hit the floor my mind takes off with all the things I have to accomplish today. I let my son rest some over the weekend and today is back to our regular schedule of therapy and work. Thus, the 100 mile an hour race going on in my head when my alarm went off at 5 this morning. Lately, it's been racing so much when my alarm goes off I'm off to the races and there isn't as much "snoozing" as there used to be... leads to a more productive day ultimately; but also an extra afternoon nap when possible.

So with my mind racing this morning it was hard for God to get any insight, thoughts or direction squeezed in between. Until I slowed down a bit, and focused on His word for just a moment. That sounds easy - but for caregivers, there honestly is not always time to take for slowing down to pause or think. Some days are just plain crazy with caregiving duties - and other days - they are just crazier!

But as I made myself slow down this morning and purposefully opened the Word, He faithfully spoke to my heart. I found my eyes resting on Psalm 19. I learned the first few verses as a child and how all of  creation continues to sing His praise. There is no where that the voice of nature is not heard singing of God's glory. As an adult I learned to cherish verses 7-11 which patiently describe the impact of His Word on our daily lives. And the final verse of this chapter, verse 14 we used to sing back in the old school days when the new thing to do in church was sing "choruses" instead of full blown songs. We sang scriptures over, and over and over again. I can appreciate it now because they really got lodged in my heart and give me something to hold on to through all these crazy days.

Verse 14 says this: Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. I thought about how my mind had been racing all morning since 5 AM, and wondered if my crazy thoughts and weekly goal setting were all things that were pleasing, or acceptable to Him. Were my conversations this weekend pleasing to Him? Can He even keep up with all these thoughts playing in my head? Or does He have a mental capacity DVR so He can pause it now and then and run it back if He missed something? lol

I know our days as caregivers can be extremely busy; and so can our thoughts. But today I will purposefully slow myself down and meditate on Him. I don't know how yet, but I'm going to find a way to discover something new about nature. I want to see a display of  nature demonstrating His glory.

Today I will guard my heart and mind in Him. I will purposefully monitor my thoughts and kick out anything that does not match what He says about me or my situation. I'll be watching for the demonstration of His glory in His creation today. And I will keep my mind and thoughts moving toward Him. Will you join me?

The Chase

  This morning, I was reading about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23. He was one of David's mighty men, and these three or so verses are all we kn...