Grand Central Station of the Busy Mind

This morning is no different than most mornings really. Juggling work and caregiving basically means I have two full-time jobs. So all these tasks are running around in my mind as I'm trying to organize my day. There is bathing, wound care, cooking, pureeing, juicing, feeding, therapy, and tons of things to do for my son, as you well know. Add to that thoughts about when it is the nurse is coming and should I keep this or that appointment, when is he going to get Jevity (yes - we are playing that game again!) etc.

Then on the work front, I need some extra money for a trip my daughter and I have planned for next weekend so I need to pick up a couple extra projects.... more time involved. Juggling who gets work done first (after my full-time job commitment).... should I even try to sleep? lol Welcome to Grand Central Station of the Busy Mind.

I'm dedicated to getting back to my morning devotions though, so this morning I opened my Bible to where I left off yesterday morning, Psalm 73. My eyes went straight for the last verse and I just camped out there. Verse 28 says this:

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

that I may tell of all Your works.

I have thought a lot about the first 2/3 of this verse and how good it is when God draws near. And how much better it is when I recognize it! The second part rings true in my heart too, having made Him my refuge for life. But sometimes it's easy to forget the third part - that I may tell of all Your works.

As a caregiver, I live in His refuge. I'm not sure there's another way to do it. Honestly, there are days I still struggle with anger over how He could have let this happen to my son. But overall - I always run back and let Him tuck me back up under the protection of His wings. Like David, I always return to that secret, intimate place. He is near, He is my refuge.

But that last third - that I may tell of all Your works. Sometimes I forget to focus on all He's done. It's easy for my mind to focus on this living grief, and the heaviness life has brought, not always so easy to see what He is doing in the midst. But I think this last thought is just as important as the other two - to tell of his works.

This means I need to take a minute to think about what He has done - not the ways I feel He has failed me. So here's a brief list of some of the works of God in this caregiver's life:

I've seen His divine provision - never missed a meal

He has NEVER left me - even when I was a brat!

His peace is tangible at times

He's reassured me that our souls are protected in Him...we are never lost.

His word still speaks to my heart...and always will

He gives me strength to face each day

Holy Spirit still teaches me - I'm not a lost cause!

His word is deeper and richer than I could have imagined

He still nurtures me and cares for me...

He still gives me songs

He remains faithful...

He is still my rock...my hiding place

He has not moved.

He has not changed.

His throne is forever...

These are just a few of the things that came off the top of my mind. So today, I will let this be my meditation. I'll focus my thoughts on all his works. My thoughts will be on His faithfulness, His strength and His watchful care rather than my circumstances. I'll train my thoughts to stay on Him today as I trust Him for one more day - will you join me? What will you focus on about Him today?

Safe in His Embrace

It seems as if I've suffered a derailment of late and I'm struggling to get back on track. With my leg being injured I've had to have lots of help over the last three weeks as I haven't been able to transfer Chris by myself. My friend stayed a few days and my daughter stayed last week to help me out. On the weekends, people have been in and out to help get Chris up or lay him down. Needless to say, it's been a bit hectic, but I'm determined to be back up and going today and hopefully the knee will be nice.

This morning after I got my coffee and sat down I opened my Bible for my devotions and found this piece of paper tucked in Psalm 73. I use two or three Bibles regularly and didn't have a clue what this list of scriptures was in reference to, so I started at the top and read through them one by one looking for a common thread.

By the time I got to the last one on the list I was totally encouraged. I still don't have a clue as to why I started this list - but I'm glad I did. I took this handful of scriptures and turned them into my confessions for the day. In my mind they go something like this:

You are my shield and the One who holds my head up. (Ps.3:3)

You deliver me from my enemies...

You lift me up...

You rescue me...(Ps. 18:48)

Though I feel forsaken,

You will be here with me. (Ps. 27:10)

Your work (in me) is done in faithfulness. (Ps.33:3)

The Lord is the One who holds my hand (Ps.37:24)

My soul clings to You Lord, Your right hand (power) upholds me. (Ps. 63:8)

I am always with You- You hold my hand...(Ps. 73:3)

I'm guessing whatever it was I was studying it was centered around Him holding me. He holds my head up, holds my hand...... He holds me. Somehow I find comfort in that thought today. There's a line in a song I wrote many years ago that goes something like "Let Him hold you - safe in His embrace." That is going through my mind - He holds me - and I am safe there.

No matter what is going on around me, and we all know how crazy hectic a caregiver's day can be, He holds me safe in His embrace. The difficult thing for caregivers is letting Him, and resting there.

Today I'm going to meditate on being in His arms. I'll turn my thoughts to how He lifts me up and holds me. My meditations will be about His faithfulness to sustain me no matter what life throws at me. I will be quiet before Him today and will focus on resting in His embrace as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Caregiver's Worst Fear

As caregivers there can be many things that concern us, especially early on. When I first started the caregiving journey, I'd been jerked out of a "normal" life and dealt with a lot of confusion and fear about job, family, life, and simple day-to-day survival.

Over time, some of those fears subsided as I found a new normal - for caregiving - as normal as that can be. All along the way, I saw God provide. I learned to work online honing old skills and learning new ones. When I first brought my son home I was riddled with fear every single time I had to transfer him. I'd literally get sick to my stomach when it was time to get him up or put him in bed. My primary concern was dropping him or hurting him in some way.

There's been fear nearly every time something changed. Lots of questions about if I'm doing the right thing here or making the right choice there. I'm sure you are nodding your heads in recognition. We've all been there; and sometimes still are. (I'm speaking for me at least!)

Can I provide? 

Am I enough?

Will I make mistakes?

Which agency is best?

Should I replace this aide?

Is this the best doctor for my son?

We've all had lots of questions - lots of concerns - many fears. But the last couple of weeks I've begun to realize my greatest fear. I injured my leg on an 8-mile trail run. I tripped and jammed my knees straight into the ground. While I was laying there like a beached whale, other than wondering how I was going to get up, and wondering how bad I was hurt, I wondered how I was going to be able to take care of Chris. 

I often think about getting older and how it's going to look. Will I know when it's time to quit if that happens? Will we both move into a nursing home together? lol - Sounds funny, but it's a reasonable expectation. 

As I have had to call in some babysitters for me the last three weeks, and been largely confined to my recliner and find it difficult to move around, I've had time to think about a lot of things. It's been unsettling to say the least - I am somewhat anal and don't like my norms to be tampered with! lol But I've figured it out with the help of my daughter and a few others who have chipped in to help. I've made it - my son and I have both survived and soon I'll be free of my babysitters. But the fear remains. The what ifs are still lingering in the back of my mind.

Maybe my fears are different than yours - maybe they are the same. Maybe mine are more numerous than yours, or maybe not. But I'm sure there are many discussed and not discussed. What are we supposed to do with that? What do we do when anxieties increase? Take them back to Him.

Two weeks ago I could barely walk and many of my fears seemed to become reality. But I'm nearly through the rough part of the trial and starting to settle back into my norms. I realize all is good - I lived. Chris lived. We worked it all out. Hindsight can be a true learning experience.

I've learned that no matter what - I'm going to run to Him and He will carry me when necessary. It might even be His preferred mode of transportation. (smile) No matter what mess I create or what I face He is there to walk through it with me - even in spite of me sometimes. The world didn't end because I hit a rough spot. Even though my life flashed before my eyes at one point - I've lived to provide more film for a later date. lol

I don't have to worry about being enough because He's got this one. He's got me. I don't have to worry about tomorrow. He's already been there. It's never as bad as it seems - and there's always a way through it. That doesn't mean it's easy; doesn't mean it's short. But there's always a way.

Today I'm going to turn my thoughts back to how I've seen God provide. I'm going to meditate on His ever abiding presence and strength. I'm going to think about having confidence in the truth that He has a hold of me, and He's not letting go. I'll take comfort in the fact that I don't have to deal with but one day at a time - that's how He set it up. I'll relinquish my fears to Him today and let Him care for me. I'm casting all my cares over to Him He can shoulder the burden. I'm geared up to trust Him, to rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

2-Way Psalm

This morning I was reading in Psalm 91. It's been a favorite of mine for years even though I can't grasp it's full meaning. We see the psalmist talking about staying in the shelter and the shadow of the Almighty. And then he goes directly into his own declaration.

I have a vivid imagination, and I'm a writer. So these two verses illicit quite the scene in my mind's eye. As a writer, an inspiring thought goes through my mind and I grab pen and paper to try and capture it. You never know where a thought will lead you - to a devotion, a song, a book!

My active imagination sees David in full armor, of course, as he has a thought and runs to "jot down" these words of inspiration:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

And then I see him set back and let those words sink into his heart as he meditates on them for a few seconds only to jump up and boldly declare:

I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress!

My God in whom I trust!"

Then, at least in my imagination, he goes back to pen the remainder of this moving psalm. For several verses the psalmist discusses in second person how you will be protected, guided, and free from terror. Here are a few things that stood out to me that "you" (being the one who trusts in the Lord) will do:

you will not be afraid

you will be carried by angels

you  will tread on lions and cobras

you will trample down young lions and serpents

And then in the last three verses, the psalmist hears from God. He totally shifts from first and second person. In first voice the psalmist pens:

Because He has loved me, I will deliver him

I will set him securely on high,

because he has known my name.

He will call on Me and I will answer him

I will rescue him in trouble

I will rescue him and honor him

with a long life I will satisfy him 

and I will let him see My salvation.

I wonder. Do I know His name? Do I call on Him? Do I call Him my God?  Yes I do. I call Him my shelter, I crawl up in His lap, I hide under His shadow daily. I let Him carry me! He is my sanctuary - and I am His. He is my beloved and I am His.

So today I will turn my thoughts to how He lovingly watches our lives play out. My meditations will be on how He longs to rescue my emotions and show me His salvation. Even though I'm not sure exactly what that looks like when it comes, I will continue to trust Him. I will continue to praise Him and I will continue to declare to the Lord: You are my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust!" And I will rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Oh for Grace to Trust Him More

My thoughts are all over the place this morning and I'm trying to reel them back in and keep them balanced. I'm sure I'm the only one who ever has to do that, right?

Cargiving is not for the weak of heart, that's for sure! But today it's not having the heart to carry on - it's the battlefield of the mind that is the problem. In my heart, there's no question. The stamina is there and no choices need to be made at this point.

But my head has to deal with the day-to-day struggles of caregiving. There are so many things going on around me right now that just set me off the edge with tons of questions. Some are simple, like why? I wonder why this ever had to happen. Why my son was ripped away. Why my shattered heart can't heal. Why the grief doesn't go away. Why my life was boxed up and seemingly put on hold.

I've said before it's not the actual caregiving that is the difficult part, it's the heart issues, the living grief and the beating your emotions take on the journey. And that's where I am today. Sorry. But I've learned it is better to be brunt and honest about my emotions - it's the only way to "move on."

In my mind, I see myself like a little girl gathering up this bundle of problems and heading to the throne to see how God is going to fix it. I stand there with my arms full, tears running from my eyes and looking at God with no words left to say. It feels like my life is a big why followed by a huge question mark.

I can think of several scriptures but none bring comfort, none make it all better. Real and raw still exists. It never really goes away, I just deal with it better on some days than on others.Somehow I have to figure out how to put on my big girl panties and walk through one more day.

So, I turn my mind away from my pain and grief and to His word. I think about Joseph and how dejected and lost he must have felt sitting in the dark, dank dungeon for something he didn't do. He figured out how to trust. And I think of Job (I think I'll read Job this week). He lost everything but trust. He didn't even hope God would restore him, he just trusted God with his life. I want to be more like that, even on days when it doesn't come so easy, days like today.

And that is what I will do. I'll think about Job's words, two scriptures stand out. I first think of how he answered his wife when she said he should just give up and die. He answered her with this: Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity? I have to agree. I get so tired of people using the phrase "God is good." when everything goes there way - but I don't hear it at all when things are not going like they planned. He is good period. It's irrelevant whether things are going good or bad - God is good.

The second thing out of Job is his ultimate statement of trust: Though God slay me - yet will I trust Him. That's where I want to be too. I WANT to say that I trust Him on mornings like this when life is crushing me. The words to an old hymn come to mind:

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

How I've proved You o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust him more...

Today I will meditate on these two scriptures out of Job. I'll pull out my guitar and sing through the verses to this song and let the words sink in. I know God's not trying to slay me...so I need to trust Him to carry me through these times when trust comes harder. I'll turn my meditations to thinking about the times I know He carried me, provided for me and my family and showered me with His great love. I will work on keeping my thoughts there today... and I will trust Him for one more day... will you join me?

3 Simple Words

During my devotions this morning I got a phrase stuck in my head. I as reading 1 Corinthians 1:9 and it starts with 3 simple words: God is Faithful. I spent a few minutes letting those words sink in. I look back over my brief 56 years and think about all the times BC (before caregiving) and during that He has proven His faithfulness.

This phrase is used twice by Paul in this book. Here are the two verses where he uses this exact phrase:

God is faithful, through whom you were called 

into fellowship with His son, Jesus Christ our Lord....

There has no temptation taken you but such as man can bear;

but God is faithful,

who will not let you be tempted above what you are able;

but with the temptation will also make a way of escape 

that you may be able to endure it.

It's those 3 simple words that stick out to me. In the second verse above it's interesting also that He didn't promise a way out of our temptations and struggles - but enables us to endure it. What's up with that? Why didn't He provide a pre-planned escape route? That would have made sense to me. 

So I thought about that for awhile and finally reached my conclusion. In the first chapter, the first use of the phrase, Paul is explaining our calling - it's not about traveling the world and preaching (although that's what I always dreamed of doing), teaching Sunday School, pastoring a church, or anything else in "ministry." It's really that simple. We do not have to go to Bible college, serve on a deacon board or anything else to "fulfill" our call - it is plain and simple - the believer's true call is to fellowship with Him. And you know what's cool about that? The caregiver isn't left out! We can fulfill our calling from our living room!

Once again God has made it easy to get to Him. He may not have pre-planned an escape route to help us escape our troubles and struggles - but He made sure we could always get back to Him. As a matter of fact, He ensured that before He ever said, "Let there be light!" 

Today, I will meditate on these 3 simple words: God is Faithful. I'll turn my thoughts to how He planned out a route back to Him before time began. I'll think about how He sustains us and empowers us right in the midst of our pain. I will rejoice in knowing I can make one more day - and I will rest in Him. Will you join me?

Making a List - Checking it Twice

This morning I continued reading in 1 Peter. I've been meditating on how what He has given us is eternal and wanted to continue that thought. A caregiver's life or even each day canWe  be topsy turvy with things changing on a dime, some days everything is uncertain. This makes it difficult to make plans with family, activities or any thing like that. You never know what a day will bring - we kinda learn to go with the flow and adjust as you go. I think the constant change in a caregiver's life, day, hour and second is why I'm finding these un-change-ables so intriguing.

So this morning I made a short list from 1 Peter 2: 9. Here are four things that will not change for us as believers no matter what picture life paints:

We are a chosen race

We are a royal priesthood

We are a holy nation

We are His possession...

For me, looking at how drastically my life changed with that phone call over 8 years ago - it gives me something solid to stand on just knowing His kingdom didn't change that day, nor did my status in His kingdom.

In the natural - we can't change our race no matter what we do. We cannot change our blood line no matter what we do. We cannot change our birthright - even if we don't accept it. I'm starting to love these things!! Just thinking about how we are His kids and will always be His makes me smile. 

Today I will continue thinking about how His kingdom stands no matter what happens in this earthly kingdom. My thoughts will be on being apart of the God-race, a member of the holy nation of God and part of His royal priesthood. I will focus on being His possession, His kid, the one He loves and I'll rest right there for the day. Will you join me?