Broke, Broke, or Broke?

You know how caregiving days go. Even though there's nothing easy about it, some days are good, some are better and a few are downright rough. There can be a number of reasons for a rough day. It might be physically rough, mentally rough, emotionally rough or a combination of any of those plus any number of other reasons. Yesterday, I just felt broke. I'm learning to take it all to Him. He's not afraid of my broken state.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how broken I was and in the process I realized there are three basic types of "broke." I can be financially broke - which thank God for His provision - I am not. I can be broke - like not working and needing to be fixed broke. Or I can be broke - like broken before God, humble and broken.

 I'm in the middle of a challenge called the psalmist challenge. I designed it myself as part of a project I'm working on. For 30 days I have to take a few minutes to play, sing and pray. So far, every day I have written a short poem or song at least. It's interesting what we can hear when we tune our ears in. So I decided to take my "broke" self to Him. But did He want it? Would He turn me away because my life felt ugly like people do?

I thought of the scripture in Psalm 34:18 that says The Lord is near the brokenhearted and I wondered if it had any defining qualifications on it. Is He near me if I feel like I'm broken and cannot mend? Is He near me if I am broken emotionally and feel like I can't move on or take one more step? Or is He near me just when I am humbly bowing before Him overcome with His presence? Is He near me when I feel spent, exhausted and done?  I'm thinking it's "D" all of the above.

God is not afraid of my broken state. He doesn't shun me when I am riddled with fears. He won't cast me aside when I am overcome by the daily rigors of caregiving. When people avoid me because they don't know what to say - He draws close. Broke, broke or broken - none of them scares Him, and He draws near.

I am not entirely sure which the psalmist is talking about in this verse. He goes on in verse 19 to say there are many afflictions for the righteous. I'm avoiding the next part of that verse as it says the Lord delivers them out of them all. You and I both know He's not riding in on a white horse today to carry us away. So what does that mean? Contextually, I believe it means He rides through it with us - carrying us all along the way. Those steps we don't have the strength to make - He makes for us. He doesn't remove everything and make life all hunky-dory, but He does endure it with us and carry us through it.

So, no matter if we feel broke, broke or broke, He draws near and He beckons for us to draw near to Him. He's not afraid of our broken state. He won't turn and look away because of the pain like people tend to do. He walks right up to us in the midst of the fiery trial and says, Come near. He will pull us right up to Himself just like a father gently holding a hurting child. He brings comfort. He will not abandon.

Today I will meditate on His nearness. I'll turn my thoughts to how He longs to hold me near to His heart when I am hurting the most. My thoughts will be on how He picks me up, brushes me off, holds me, and is walking through this with me; even carrying me when need be. I will rest in the fact that He is present - ever present. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?


Here is the video of the short song I wrote yesterday about how He draws us near whether we are broke, broke or broke. Come Near.

Shifting Sands

This morning, I am tired. I know the day has not even started but I've already sighed three times. Just knowing all that will need to be done today makes me weary. It's really not an unusual day, just another day.

Caregiving has to be one of the craziest things I've ever done, and I've done some crazy things - and had some extreme jobs. One just really has no idea what to expect on any given day. Like yesterday with no warning the company showed up with my son's new bed. I had no idea he was coming (what happened to common courtesy?), but here he stood acting shocked that the old bed was still standing in the place the new bed belonged. I just looked at him in the same shock. How was I supposed to know he was coming if he didn't call? (smh)

He said, "We can set up the new bed but we aren't allowed to move the old one. It's company policy." I said, "Well, had I known you were coming, I'd have had this one moved out of the way. So why don't you just stand right there while I get this old one out of the way?" I began grabbing pieces and trying to figure out how to disassemble the old bed. I guess he either had a bit of compassion for an old lady - or figured it was going to take me all day because he helped take it apart and move it out to make room for the new bed.

Not only was the new bed a surprise delivery, but of course the aid hasn't been showing up. Something about needing fingerprints and he can't work until he gets them. But instead of sending someone in his place, I just get to guess everyday whether he's coming or not. Either I start all his tasks in the morning and leave him with nothing to do but sit here for 4 hours in the afternoon, or I let stuff sit until time for him to get here and then do them when he doesn't show up.... can't seem to win so I give up.

I also went ahead and ordered supplies that I've gone without for months. A box of syringes for tube feeding, about $10. For some reason they can't seem to get an approval. Now I'm told NOT to order stuff that it's coming - but where are these people when I run out of supplies? So I had to stop everything yesterday and order a few things. I'm tired of waiting.

And this is just some of the simple struggles of one day. Who knows what today will bring? Meals to be delivered, old bed to be picked up and taken to someone who needed it - probably be another crazy, unpredictable day around here. It would be so easy to slide into "victim" mode. I could whine and cry and worry about poor me. But I'd have to wipe my tears and figure it all out anyway, right? I think I'll skip that part.

We are put into such an emotional situation. We know we are told we aren't supposed to let this all make us hard, stubborn or recluse, right? But it can all pile up until we are emotionally spent - and it's all over these little things, not even the big stuff. It seems like it can chip away until there's just nothing left. What's a caregiver to do?

What we've always done. Run to Him. Leave it there and roll up our sleeves and get back in the game. Exhausting though it may be - it's our only choice. That or giving up. (Not today!) So I remind myself of a few scriptures to help me focus. First, I think of how it says David encouraged himself in the Lord. Now I know why he did that - who else was going to do it, right? (lol) I'll let you listen in on my pep talk.

I will bring all my cares to the Lord - for He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)
I will let my requests be known to Him - for His peace will guard my heart. (Philippians 4:6,7)
I will draw near to Him - for that's when He draws near to me. (James4:8)

Today, I'm going to try my best to focus on Him instead of the situation. That's difficult when the "situation" is looming and right in your face, isn't it? But I refuse to cave in. I refuse to shift my focus off of Him and to the struggle. My hands may be weary - but today I will lift them to Him. I will remind myself that He is still my God. He is still with me. He is still my provider. And He still cares for me. And with those thoughts I am ready to take on one more day resting and trusting in Him. Will you join me?

Maybe He Knew Too

I know the scripture says His mercies are new every morning, but maybe it should have explained that there would be mornings we'd have to look a little harder to find them. Maybe it's just me, but my mind is racing with the day's responsibilities almost before I get both eyes opened. And then of course, any tiny thing out of step or above and beyond the caregiver's "norm" can catapult us into another state.

Personally, I battle depression and anxiety. That'll wear you out right there. I can be floating along doing real good and something unexpected happens and my emotions flat-line. But that's okay because once my head kicks back in, it goes 900 miles an hour with possible scenarios of things that are not likely to ever even happen. I can be emotionally spent over the tiniest adjustment to my day.

It's probably because as caregivers we run on the edge all.the.time. There's no break. We live in a state of caring constantly for another person. We make decisions for and about them, take care of very personal needs as well as basic needs and oftentimes let our own needs go because there are just 24 hours in a day. Our emotions can be taut like a rubber band stretched to its max and one itsy bitsy change can send us flying off the edge. (Maybe it's just me.)

I had a wide range of emotions yesterday as my son turned 33. It wasn't his age - it was the lack of birthday wishes really. There were a few and I'm thankful - but as is the "norm" he seems forgotten as time goes on. I am sure it is to be expected in situations like this - but even what is expected can hurt your feelings a little bit. (Or a lot.)

This morning this was going over in my mind and I thought of the verse that says Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 NLT I had to pull out my Bible and look it up and I'm glad I did because I noticed the scriptures right before it. David says in verse 9: Do not hide yourself from me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation! 

I was like - did David really say that?  Did he really feel that? This "man after God's own heart" fought feelings of abandonment? He was just talking about God concealing him in His sanctuary earlier and out pops this - what if God leaves too? Of course he then answers his own questions (I do that too!) with the statement that God will hold him close. I like that.

Today, I'm going to lay aside the sadness from yesterday, the feelings of aloneness and the heaviness of abandonment. And I'm going to focus on that little phrase - the Lord will hold me close. I'm thinking that from that intimate, secret place - the rest really won't matter as much. I'm going to meditate on the truth that He doesn't abandon - ever, no matter how life feels. I'll turn my thoughts to His nearness, to His touch, to His tenderness and mercy - which is new every morning whether I find it or not! I will thank Him for walking this journey with me - a task humans can't always do. I'll find the strength to trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Not Today

I want to apologize. I'm truly sorry but I just didn't want to get up and write a devotion this morning. Not that I don't love you guys, but I'm just tired, and it's my own fault really. I was up late last night finishing up an overdue project for a client and this morning I really wanted to sleep in.

But as you fellow caregivers know, that's not always an option. Things just have to be done. They can't be put off, can't wait for another day - each day is laden with tons of things that simply have to get done when you are providing total care for another whole person.

My early morning routine looks something like this:

• Hit the snooze (repeat 5-6 times)
• Hit the button on the baby monitor to see if Chris is awake yet
• Stumble to the kitchen to put on coffee
• Get Chris' bolus together
• Push the button on the coffee pot
• Open the other eye
• Change and bolus Chris
• Stumble back to the kitchen to pour my coffee
• Drag myself, my laptop and my Bible and my coffee back to bed
• Sip coffee, open my Bible and sigh

That's pretty much every morning. Today I have lots of thoughts running through my head as it's Chris' 33 birthday. Never dreamed this is where we'd be. He's supposed to be married, working as a successful musician, living his dreams and making babies. His friends are.

Instead he's lying in a bed waiting on me for his every need.

So I was looking for something solid to stand on today. Quite honestly, I'll probably try to just get lost in my work today so I don't have to think about it too much. I might need to be carried a bit today but I'll try to stay focused. I opened the Word and started reading a passage or two I've been wanting to look back at and then I thought of a verse the verse that is going to be my anchor for today.

Psalm 119:50 came to mind - I hadn't thought of it in a long time, and it just welled up inside me. David said this: It is my comfort in my affliction that Your word has revived me! The old KJV says Your word has quickened me. I must say it is a comfort to know his word still works. Even when I'm not sure what to read - what verse to cling to for the day - once I find a truth that puts something  sometimes anything inside me - I won't let go. It comforts me to know that His word still works in the midst of the furnace. The fires can burn away the chaff - but they can't burn away His truth which continues to carry my heart.

So today I say Not Today! Today is NOT the day I will give up though my heart is heavy. Today is NOT the day I quit though I am tired. Today is NOT the day His word fails to comfort me. Today is NOT the day He stops carrying me. Today is NOT the day I throw in the towel. Today is NOT the day He will leave me all alone. It's NOT the day He shrugs His shoulders unsure of what to do. Today is NOT the day He quits comforting me. Today is NOT the day I stop trusting Him. Not today.

Today will be the day I continue to put my confidence in Him knowing He is here with me - He has not abandoned me yet and He's not going to walk out today! I will turn my thoughts away from the weight of the day and toward His ever abiding presence. My meditations will be on the truth that of all the things He created - He chose to live in us. It is His choice to be with us - He's not forced to walk alongside us - He is here of His own free will. We are here of His own free will. And today I will let His word comfort me. I'll stand and say - Not today to giving up on His mercies, Not today to giving up trusting Him, Not today to waiting for Him and resting in Him. Will you join me in saying "Not today" as we continue to rest in Him and trust Him for just one more day?

But He's Mine

Sorry I missed a day and I'm running late. To say my plate is full would be an understatement - but I know my fellow-caregivers understand that. Just today I've dealt with a home health nurse and a case manager. It was all routine but all before noon, really?

I finally got to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee (okay so it's my third pot - hey I was up late!), grabbed my Bible and just started reading. I was actually preparing for a lesson I'm going to teach tonight but something caught my heart.

In 2 Timothy 2, Paul told Timothy this, God's truth stands firm like a foundation stone with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are His." I just stopped when I read that. My thoughts went to my new normal life. Most of you are all too familiar with the daily grind. But the other day I was talking to a friend about the not-so-daily part meaning the emotions  that can be a struggle. We discussed the depression, anger and frustration that can lie just below the surface. Most days it is well-managed, but we have our days. I know you know.

With this week being a bit more hectic than "normal" for us around here I just needed to get my feet back on the ground and this scripture did that for me today. I sat here and thought about the fact that I am His. And He is okay with that!

The caregiver's life is less than perfect. It's not the "norm" although we find our new norms. It can be ugly sometimes....can't it? I've said many times that even though people leave when life gets ugly - He never abandons us. He still looks at me... He looks at you... and proudly says, that one is mine.

In all the mess, in all the craziness, in all the pain - we are still His.

I was thinking about this and letting it settle in as I pulled up the blog to get started writing. As I was looking for a photo, I saw this one of my son and me the first time I ever took him to a race with me. I thought it was fitting because he's still mine. He doesn't speak.  He doesn't do anything for himself, he is broken. But he's still mine and I'm okay with that.

God looks at us with that same compassion, gentleness and emotion. We are His no matter how broken we may feel or how un-normal our lives seem. He still looks at us with love and fondly says - with a twinkle in His eye - this one is mine.

Today I am going to think about how I am His and He doesn't want out of the deal. Just like I accept my kids no matter what, unconditionally, He accepts me. My meditation will be on His unconditional love, compassion and watchfulness over my soul. I'm going to think about how I'm His and how He will never, never, never let go - He's content that I am His and so I am. I'll embrace the comfort that comes with those thoughts and I'll rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

He Never Gives Up

I've always been open and honest about my feelings and how I have dealt with caregiving. I usually at least try to clean it up a bit before I spill it out on the page for the world to see though. Maybe a "thank you" is in order! (Just kidding - lighten up!)

It seems I've found a way to deal with caregiving at least a little more gracefully than when I started the journey. There are daily struggles, as you all know, and numerous battles along the way. Caregiving isn't for the faint in heart. We give up our dreams, our goals, our jobs, other relationships, and our lives to serve the one we love. On one hand, it's the obvious choice and it seems easy; and on the other hand it's the most difficult job in the world.

One of my biggest struggles personally was giving up ministry. I had goals and dreams and passions that seemed to fall by the wayside as I stepped into the role of caregiving. Over time, I've seen God stir some of those up and even though they look nothing like I thought - He's still doing just what He said. (Imagine that!)

As I was praying about some of these things the other day, I started getting the words to a poem. I figured out that all along - He hadn't given up on me. Not even for a second. I just want to share the poem with you here. It's a bit long (yes, I am long-winded once I get going! lol) but I hope you'll get a little something out of it. And together we can trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

He Never Gave Up 

He never gave up on me.

He could see what I couldn’t see

When my way became dark and dreary

My body and soul became so weary…

He didn’t give up on me

He could still see

Everything He had put in me.

The difficult path didn’t blind Him

He knew that one day

I’d be at my wit’s end

And still find my way….

I stumbled, fought, and cussed -

He never walked away in disgust

He patiently waited ‘til I figured it out

He knew the cave would get cozy

And that I’d eventually come back out and about

He knew….

I’d be driven to Him in passionate pursuit

But when I turned around I’d found-

I’d never been beyond His reach

In fact, love had kept us bound

Tho I’d tripped, fallen and stumbled around

I found myself bleeding, lying on the ground

Then even my blood cried out to Him

And here I am now – thought all was lost – but I’ve been found.

He never gave up

He never let up

Waiting for me

I was still called

I was still chosen

I was still beloved and free

Because his grace never gave up on me.

© J Olinger March 5, 2017

Lion Hearts

Sorry to be MIA of late - I had my plate full last week as my mom was staying with me for a few days. She has some sort of dementia and requires lots of TLC right now so it was my pleasure to have her stay with me. However, it meant that my plate, which was already full, was piled just a little fuller. So I did what I could to keep my head above water.....so I went missing.

Over the last few weeks, my mind and heart have been busy processing stuff. Life, really. And as usual, there are tons of things going through my head and heart all at the same time. When I wake up in the morning it seems like my head is already going a hundred miles an hour, and maybe more! I have no idea what the series of thoughts were that brought me to the passage in Daniel, but I'm sure it was a logical sequence.

I opened my Bible to Daniel 3, verse 17. This is where Daniel's three friends were facing the fiery furnace. It's their statement - their dedication to the fire that piqued my interest this morning. They said  our God is able to deliver us from the blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, be it known to you O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up.

My thoughts were mostly wrapping around their tenacity and dedication to the fire. They were not looking for a way out - but were tenaciously saying they would gladly walk through the fire rather than give up to other gods.

I kind of see caregivers that way. There's this dedication to the journey, you know? We are going to continue to walk in the fire not expecting God to deliver us out. If He does - great. But if not - we will not bow or give in to the pressure. We will still serve Him. Isn't that partly why you are here right now reading this blog?

Many days we are strong and our faith seems to carry us through. Other days we are looking for a thread of hope and wondering if we have the strength to hold on. But when we feel life push us to give in - something stands up inside of us and boldly proclaims: I'm not bowing to the pressure. I'll walk through this fire - but not give up on God.

Same tenacity. Same dedication. Same boldness and power that we have admired in Daniel's friends, isn't it? I know we don't like seeing ourselves that way. For the most part, we are like - hey, I do what I gotta do to make it. And that is true - but inside there's this lion that is seeking God's heart. And we are not giving up - even in our fiery circumstance - until we find Him.

And where exactly do we find Him? Right there in the furnace with us. Yup - He's walking through the fiery trials alongside each of us. Isaiah 43:1-2 says this:

But now, thus says the Lord Your creator, O Jacob,

and He who formed you O Israel,

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are Mine!

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they will not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,

nor will the flame burn you. 

For I am the Lord your God 

The Holy One of Israel....

Sometimes I'm sad because He didn't promise us a ticket out. He said we'd pass through waters, rivers and fire. We are not exempt. However, He also said He'd be with us in them. And that's what I am holding on to today.

Today I'm going to rejoice that He didn't leave me to face the fire alone. I choose to be thankful He is in the floods with me. My mind will be on the truth that He's a furnace walker too - because He's in there with us. My meditations will be on His choice to never leave us - and to carry us when necessary. Just like I choose to walk with Him - He chooses to walk with me. I like that and it will be my meditation today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?