Closer Than He's Ever Been

Crazy, crazy week. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say I've seen one of every basic medical worker except a surgeon this week. Yup - including firefighters, EMT personnel, ER physicians and techs, who by the way don't know how to transfer a handicapped person from a table to a chair, to home visit nurses and case managers. It's been one of those weeks - one caregivers are all too familiar with.

Over the last couple of hectic days, I also made a choice. I decided I would not focus on all the things that were demanding my attention. This doesn't mean I abandoned my responsibilities in any way - I just didn't let them have me. Instead of wringing my hands, I chose to lift them. I stopped in the middle of the craziness and focused on Him.

I also refocused in the natural too. How do you do that? I'm glad you asked. It can be easy to get off on some of the many things we can't do because of our caregiving situations. So, instead of thinking about how I couldn't travel, or do this or that, I decided to think about what I have done since I became a caregiver. Here are a few things I've done that might not have happened otherwise:

• got my Master's in Health Education
• became a health coach
• became a full-time freelance writer
• ran a marathon (just one)
• learned to love to run
• worked up to advanced belts in taekwondo
• learned to work from home
• taught English via skype to nations around the world
• taught in an orphanage in Pakistan

That's just a few of the "cool" things I've done since I became a caregiver. Simply shifting my focus made a big difference in my attitude. But I also made this shift spiritually. I started thinking about all He's done for us. I thought about how He has provided all along the way. You can tell I haven't missed a meal! lol We have not gone without for one day. He reestablished me in Him - and in His word and gave me such a deeper meaning of faith - a faith that is now applicable in everyday life. I learned how to be totally open and honest with God about my feelings - and He didn't get mad at me.

His love is sweeter and His grace is closer than they've ever been to me. I think I know Him just a little better and I wouldn't trade for that. His word has new life-sustaining meaning for me. I've heard Him singing over me - heard the song of His heart and felt His tender love for me. His sustaining power is real and his Word is rooted deeper in my heart than ever before. 

He has filled me with peace, comforted me when I was distraught, and walked this journey with me. He has not abandoned me or left me stranded emotionally, physically, or spiritually. He's closer than He's ever been. And for that I am thankful. The psalmist said, the nearness of my God is good.

Today I will meditate on how good it is to have God walking this journey with me. I'll tune my thoughts in to His love and grace and let Him have my focus today. I'll turn my meditations to His ever abiding presence, His sustaining mercy, His everlasting kindness and grace. And that's where I will rest my emotions and thoughts as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

From Darkness to Light - Cocoon to Flight

There's just something about getting out in the fresh air and sunshine that revives you. Health-wise I know the sun causes our bodies to make vitamin D, which is essential and not found naturally in very many foods. Pure old sunshine also helps in the fight depression. As the spring weather has sprung, I'm trying to get myself and my son out the door a bit more to benefit from the natural elements.

One of the things I liked about this apartment when I found it nearly 6 years ago was the nice park behind it. There is a very nicely maintained paved walkway and a Frisbee golf course. For the little ones, there's a water pad on the end away from where we live. From my door, to through the park and back is just over one mile, so it makes a nice little walk.

Yesterday on our walk through the park, I saw the beauty of spring. There were several different types of butterflies, and colorful flowers scattered throughout the park. I'm not sure what it is exactly that seeing butterflies and flowers makes better, but at least it makes me smile a bit. Maybe the freshness of spring is just - refreshing. There's the promise of new life and maybe a little bit of hope associated with it.

But as we enjoy the beauty of a new butterfly or a freshly grown wildflower, we don't even see the struggle it took to produce them. The butterfly struggled to break out of the cocoon; and the flower fought through layers of dark soil to emerge into the sunlight. We just see the beauty and forget about the struggle. Somehow we miss the part about the frail little stem that fought through dirt and grit, withstood harsh conditions and fought to produce the little flower that makes us smile. Neither we nor the butterfly remembers the struggle of fighting off the binding of the cocoon to be able to spread wings. Gently they unfolded and as they dried they soon gave way to flight.


Our trouble may very well be that we not only remember the struggles, but are still fighting through them every single day. People say you're so inspiring. I'm like - no I'm surviving. Maybe they see the fruit of the struggle, and yes there is fruit. They see the flower - the love we have for our caregivee, the dedication to the journey, and the sheer tenacity it takes to keep going. What they don't see or understand is the time in the cocoon, or the time underground. But we remember well. That's partly because we are still living it day after day.

All I can hope for at the end of the day is that people see the flower or the butterfly rather than the struggle. These things were on my mind this morning as I read Romans 8. We know verse 28, and at times hate to hear that all things work together for good... I've heard myself think, yeah, I know. But knowing that somehow He can turn all the pain, suffering, and struggles into something good, doesn't help working through the process any easier.

I think we've heard that verse out of context for a long time now. It's our go-to verse for everything we don't understand. But the verses just before it we often ignore.

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress.

For we don't even know what we should pray for,

nor how we should pray.

But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings

that cannot be expressed in words.

And the Father who knows all hearts

knows what the Spirit is saying

for the Spirit pleads for us believers

in harmony with God's own will.

We just seem to bypass these two verses since we don't understand them and grab the one that is supposed to make everything better. We miss that He helps us in our distress. That part of caregiving that is similar to struggling to get out of a cocoon. He understands us when we don't even know what we should pray or how to pray, just like the butterfly was waiting for its wings to dry before it takes flight. And then there's this phrase that stuck out to me - He knows our hearts.

Today, I'm going to rest in the fact that He knows my heart. I'm going to turn my thoughts to how He can see the most hidden parts of my soul - and think about how I'm actually okay with that. I want Him to see me, to know me. My meditation will be on how while He's making all this work out for good somehow - Holy Spirit is behind the scenes praying for me to make it, carrying me across the finish line, helping me emerge from the darkness into flight. Yeah, He's got this. He's got me. He's got you. And with that thought - I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Every Single Time

There are so many different situations caregivers deal with. I think there are entirely different dynamics between taking care of a child and caring for a parent. There's also different emotional packages for those who care for adult children who have become injured or ill, and caring for a child who was born with a condition. Even though each of these are caregiving roles, there's no way to compare them as they are each unique even if there are some similarities.

It's a whole different set of emotions dealing with my son's situation and  dealing emotionally with my mom's slow decline. I'm not specifically a caregiver for her, but she stays with me from time to time and I try to help out when I can. But I kinda got my hands full here. And that's a whole other set of emotions - feeling like I can't provide for my parents as much as I'd like to because I'm already a caregiver.

These are thoughts that are going through my mind this morning as I am working through some of my emotional pain. It may be the only constant in caregiving. And boy is it constant. This weekend has been one of lots of memories. It started with a simple post about the poisonous snakes in Oklahoma. A specific memory of a hike Chris and I took together surfaced. It was a funny memory of a hike cut short due to a snake. I laughed. I cussed. I cried.

Memories can be my best friend, or my worst enemy. I'm glad I have them. But they can cause so much pain. I think I'm making progress whatever that might look like because as memories came up this weekend and pain rose to the top, I didn't get quite as angry with God. It's kind of funny actually. The pain comes up and I don't know anything to do with it but to run to Him. I stand there with a broken heart asking all my why questions to which there are no answers. None that would suffice anyway.

There's this rush of emotions - I'm bringing my pain to Him, but then I'm mad at Him. But I'm bringing my aching soul anyway. Because I don't know of a better place to take it but to the One who can heal. That makes me angry again for a second or two. I think because He is the ONLY one who could do something. But He didn't.

But here I am before Him once again with my broken heart asking Him to soothe, comfort and heal. He never rolls His eyes and says, you again?  He never tells me I can't "come in" because I'm partly mad at Him still. He never turns me away. He doesn't tell me I'm too much to handle or I've run out of tickets to see Him. He doesn't get tired of me. Instead , in my mind He welcomes me,  brushes me off, straightens my clothes and smooths them out, pushes my hair out of my eyes and tells me He loves me. I'm welcome there. Every.Single.Time.

He doesn't get tired of me running to Him with the constant pain and grief from caregiving. Instead He somehow brings comfort and then pours His strength in me. I have lots of scriptures running through my head right now but the most prominent is a familiar one from Isaiah 40. It says this:

O Israel, how can you say the Lord doesn't see your troubles?

How can you say God refuses to hear your case?

Have you not heard or understood?

Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of all the earth?

He never grows faint or weary.

No one can measure the depths of His understanding.

He gives power to those who are tired and worn out;

He offers strength to the weak.

And that's where I stand up and identify. Hey - I'm in the Bible - that's me!! I'm tired, worn out and weak. But He give me power, and offers me strength. 

Today I will be thankful that He is always there for me and never turns me away. I'll meditate on how He shares His strength with me when I have none left of my own. My thoughts will be on that spot where I feel I am standing before Him broken and alone...and He's not afraid to touch me. I'll be thankful that He meets me with His strength every single time. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Rough Hands - Soft Heart

It's been another crazy week around here, sometimes I wonder what happened to my cave. I used to go days without talking to a soul and now it seems my apartment has a revolving door and my phone doesn't stop. Sometimes I think I need a bit of a break, but most times I actually like it because it's more like my true "norm." My house has always been a hub of activity and my friends know I have an open door policy. Basically, anyone's welcome anytime. It's just who I am. But it can keep me on my toes when it comes to balancing out caregiving, jobs and the rest of life.

Last night was a late night as many have been lately. I had a project due for a client and lots of work on my plate. I did change my alarm this morning to a bit later so I could get a little sleep. I know it's necessary but it can seem like such a waste. (slightly joking) Do you know what I could get done in that 4-6 hours? I get frustrated because I'm human and my body demands it. lol

This morning as I grabbed my first cup of coffee and was reading with just one eye open.... I found some interesting thoughts in Psalm 143. One of my projects in the works right now is on David and how he was so fully a worshiper and a warrior. As I was reading this psalm this morning I thought about the contrast of his calloused hands playing an instrument as graceful and beautifully soothing as a harp. But doesn't that contrast explain David well? Doesn't it also give a picture of caregiving? The calloused hands from the hard work, yet in the crushing the sweet fragrance of His grace can be sensed.

I'm reading and re-reading this psalm and seeing some of the contrasts. First, I like that he spent very little time focused on the enemy but just mentions that it was a difficult fight. You know how I can get caught up in the details of the enemy! (Don't get me started on the aide that didn't show up again yesterday!) I also like how David was transparent with his feelings. But mostly, I like what he said about God.

I think David is one of our beloved Bible characters because of his open honesty about how he felt. Although I don't like saying it that way because it seems to take away from the realness of who he was. In psalm 143 he says several things about himself that maybe the caregiver can relate to at one time or another. He said he was:

• losing all hope
• paralyzed with fear
• deepening depression
• I think I'm going to die

Have we ever felt this way? Overwhelmed, hopeless and depressed. I've been there. Thankfully, I am not there right now  - but it can be a constant battle to keep our heads up and stay positive when we are swimming in caregiving. We can be open and honest about how we feel. God already knows anyway.

David also makes some very cool statements about God in this psalm. I love the words he uses to describe Him. He uses words like these to describe God:

• faithful
• righteous
• unfailing love
• gracious

In the process of this written prayer, possibly even sung by David, he asks God for a few things too. I think these are great things for caregivers to ask of God as well. He asks God to:

• Show me where to walk
• Save me from my enemies
• Teach me to do Your will
• Lead me on firm footing
• Bring me out of this distress
• Cut off my enemies

David didn't try to act like the enemy didn't exist and was actually very clear that his struggle was with the fact that he did.  He also said a few things about the enemy. He said:

• he's chasing me
• he knocked me to the ground
• forced me to live in the darkness

That can happen on any given day, can't it. Because we live with our emotional cup all the way to to the brim all the time, what seems to be the littlest thing can topple us over. Talk about living on the edge.I think caregivers own that edge. (smile)

Now what I noticed is that David mentioned 3 things about the enemy, 4 things about himself and the rest was about God or asking Him for help. This tells me where his focus was. Faithful, righteous, gracious and loving. That's our God. No matter what we have to face or walk through today - His attributes do not change, not even a bit. He never stops being faithful. He never says I can't handle this. And He handles someone like me who is quite rough on the edges with so much grace. I need that today. 

Today I'm going to think about how faithful and gracious He is. My thoughts will be on how He doesn't lose patience with me - when I lose patience with life. I'll meditate on this life, calloused by the journey can still pour out the sweet fragrance of worship. And He likes that. I'm going to trust this faithful, gracious, loving, and righteous God with one more day. Will you join me?

Even a Sigh Catches His Ear

You really never know what a day is going to bring. Many of us became caregivers because of a tragic event like I did with my son. Others may care for parents or loved ones who are in a slow decline like my Mom. Either way, we do the best we can with what we have to work with each day.

No one knows this path unless they walk it. There are many difficulties, as well as many blessings along the way. For me, one of the most difficult parts of this journey has been hooking back into scriptures. It took some time as I was so angry with God for allowing this to happen. Then it took more time for Him to reshape my faith and help me understand Him more fully. He's not a magical potion that keeps trouble away - but instead a powerful force that carries me through.

Sometimes when I read familiar passages I can still feel the struggle between what I thought faith was and how it actually plays out in our day to day lives. This morning was one of those times as I was reading in Isaiah. I was cruising through chapter 35 about how the eyes of the blind will be opened, the deaf will hear and the lame will leap, etc. I've always been taught that this portion of scripture is promised to us on the other side and I'm okay with that. During the Charismatic move in the 70's we used to sing the last verse, King James style of course.

Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return

and come with singing unto Zion

and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.

They shall obtain gladness and joy

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Somehow we understood it to be out there and about heaven - in the sweet by and by. But as I read the last part this morning I thought about how often I hear a sigh escape. You know those times when there just aren't words; and sometimes there's no emotions left either. Or maybe we just aren't sure what to say, do or think and we hear ourselves sigh.

As I read it this morning, I thought He knows when I sigh. And for a second it was like I could feel Him close. Who is close enough to us to hear, or feel us sigh? Most people aren't there in the midnight hour when the day has closed in around us. Or maybe we sigh when we get that unexpected bill, a notice of cancelled services - things like insurance that we were counting on. Another friend walks away. Maybe we stumble under the weight of it all - or perhaps we even sigh as we realize we are making it each day. Whatever makes you sigh......He is close enough to feel it.

This makes me think of Psalm 139:3 that says He is intimately acquainted with all my ways. He is close enough to hear and feel each and every sigh. Those points in life where there just aren't any words left - He can feel it too. He sees. He understands and He does not condemn. He continues to love, to carry and to strengthen for the journey.

Today, I am going to think about how close someone has to be to feel and hear my soul's sigh. My meditation will be on how up in my business God really is - and how I like it like that. I will rejoice that He wants to be that close to me - when others do not. I'll turn my thoughts to His ever abiding - within reach - presence. And I will be thankful that we are His choice of habitation. With that I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

That's Impossible!

Do you ever read the Bible and get frustrated? I do. And immediately afterwards I feel guilty. But feelings are feelings now, aren't they? This morning after making coffee, changing and bolusing my son, I sat down with my Bible and a fresh cup of coffee to read a bit. My pen was in Zechariah so I just started reading there in chapter 8 which starts talking about God's passionate love for Mount Zion and Jerusalem.

It continues talking about how He is going to rescue His people and restore them. Zechariah says God will bring all His people back home and basically restore their fortunes, reestablish them and give them peace. In verse 12, God says He is going to plant seeds of peace and prosperity among them. I wonder what that looks like when it plays out in real time.

For a long time, I thought God was going to ride in on a white horse and rescue me and my son too. Of course that didn't happen. Then I struggled with anger, bitterness and frustration. Caregivers have to work through a lot of that sometimes. I learned that restoration didn't look quite like I thought - but He can restore. I learned that whether my son got up and walked again or not - my faith is still in God. He didn't restore my son, but He did restore my faith.

Maybe He didn't restore my BC (before caregiving) life, but He did restore my passion for Him. Perhaps I was looking for lands, houses and wealth - while He was doing a supernatural work restoring my heart and my passion for Him. Oh yeah, remember David says He restores my soul. Isn't that the part that matters most anyway?

As I went back and re-read the passage in Zechariah 8, my eyes fall on verse 6 which says, all of this may seem impossible to you now, a small and discouraged remnant of God's people. But do you think it is impossible for me, the Lord Almighty? He did not scream, yell, rant or rave when He pointed out their discouragement. It wasn't derogatory for Him to remind them they were but a small people. The thing is, He could see them through and through and He sought to restore them anyway.

Here's the cool part to me. He said I will bring them home to live safely in Jerusalem.They will be My people, and I will be faithful and just toward them as their God. That's the part He can restore - and that part - changes everything.

He will not stop being my God when I am small and discouraged. Compassion moves Him toward us - not away from us. It's not impossible for Him to restore our brokenness. This body isn't the important part, it's that part of us that isn't going to die that needs His touch. The secret areas of our heart where no man can see is what needs to be made whole. And He can do that.

Today, I will yield my soul to the work of His hands. I won't look for restoration in the natural realm - but I will wait for Him to do His work in my soul: in my mind, will and emotions. And rather than hold it back because I'm still a little bit mad at Him, I'll move out of my comfortable cave - and let Him see me, let Him touch me. I'll let Him touch and restore the deep recesses of my heart that I don't show to anyone. That place where discouragement lives. I will turn my thoughts to His compassion for us and His deep desire to see us whole before Him. And I will let. Yup - I'm gonna let Him work in me today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Peeking Out of the Cave

Do you feel like you are in a constant state of change? Sometimes I am afraid to put my feet down so to speak, as everything is bound to be different before I get them settled. Today will be different too, as each day is unique and yet redundant at the same time.

We do the same caregiving tasks over and over, day after day. Today, though I have the promise of an aide. And now that I have settled in to an aide-less routine, that means changing it all up again. It sounds silly and like it wouldn't matter, but it really does change a lot.

For instance, I want to make sure our laundry is sorted out because when aides are not coming regularly I do some of it together. I also have to get Chris fed, bathed or up (depending on his sleeping schedule) before the aide comes - or figure out when it fits in. I pretty much have to change the way I do my mornings since I have word he's really going to come. (His boss told him if he didn't show up today, she'd restaff him. Why she didn't say that to the one who is supposed to come 3 days a week I have no idea.) I'm trying not to get too excited about maybe getting to run outside or go grab a few groceries because you never really know.

I'm thinking it would be really nice if people just did their jobs. But today I'm wondering if that's just a bit much to ask. I really feel like aides, and maybe even others, don't really know their value. Maybe they think it's just a "job." They don't understand the break they can give us or how much it helps for them to tackle some of our daily chores. They just want to get their paycheck. But that is not in any way a demonstration of their true value.

When it comes to relieving the caregiver, a good aide is invaluable. They don't seem to get that. Even doing a couple loads of laundry, vacuuming or sitting with my son for a few minutes so I can run is worth more than anyone can pay. Especially if I get to run out and be free for a few minutes! They are not here long and I have to balance it all with work so I often have to choose between getting some errands done or going for a run. I also have to do everything with one eye on the watch because I have to be time conscious. But it can make or break my day. They don't understand the value in that.

As I am thinking about aides and how they can really make a difference for caregivers if they put just a little heart into it, I wonder if we underestimate our value to God, and to others for that matter. We can feel cut off and separate from society like we live in a cave with no real value to give. Ah, yes the caregiver's cave. It can be a humble, but safe place to be.  It can also be lonely and dark sometimes. And when we do dare to peek out - it looks so different out there.

Our days, our jobs, our lives can look so different, in fact that it's much easier to stay tucked inside rather than venture out to see what our lives appear to be lacking. I have to guard my attitude sometimes because I hear people outside my cave whining about what I consider a simple matter - an outside the cave matter. Looking at life out there can make me feel more alone - more separated, and of less value. But this is simply not true.

We are the apple of His eye - of great value. God didn't take anything back from us as His children because we became caregivers. Every single promise still holds true. We are still in the beloved, His son still died for us, we are still the righteousness of God in Christ. He still calls us His own. And the list could go on and on. We are still part of His greatest treasure.

Today, I am going to think about how valuable I am to God, even if I don't feel like it. Life may discard us - but He does not. I'll turn my thoughts to His great love for us - even caregivers - and aides. I'll meditate on the value He must place on us. I'll think about what it means to be His prized possession or to be precious in His sight. And that should fill my mind up today - as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?