He Leads Me

This morning my mind went back to a popular psalm that even unbelievers are familiar with - Psalm 23. My thoughts were stuck on one phrase - He leads me beside still waters  and because I, like most of us, memorized it as a small child, I knew the next part was He restores my soul.

I just let my thoughts go for a bit as I wondered what it would be like to be lead by still waters and how that might be connected with the restored soul. Now I understand still waters. I've been hiking enough to have stumbled on a few places I'd say had still waters. It was peaceful, restful and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to sit there and soak up some of that peace and quiet. Those special spots along the trail do help restore, or reset, the soul. Even for energetic over thinkers, calm waters can have a stilling and quieting effect on the soul. I found myself longing for a quiet spot way back in the woods. Where does a caregiver find a quiet water to soothe the soul?

Our days are filled with activities with barely time to sit for a second and breathe, let alone hide away by a calming stream. David, the psalmist, was literally out in the wilderness, not stuck in the life-wilderness of caregiving, how could it apply to our lives?

He can and will lead us - Holy Spirit can lead us right in to peace. There's an old southern gospel song that says He will calm the troubled water of my soul.....I think that's what He wants to do for caregivers. He understands our souls can live in uproar all the time. We may deal with constant, living grief, feelings of despair, depression, a total aching of our soul, or any other emotional hurt commonly associated with caregiving. But He can lead us into peace without condemning our feelings.

Too often in faith circles, we "aren't allowed" to feel. We may have been shamed for dealing with depression or fighting with grief. We are made to feel like our emotions are sins and so we try to stifle them and hide them instead of bringing them to Him. He is not ashamed of us. He is not afraid of our deepest emotions. He does not condemn us for how we feel or for what we deal with. Instead, He longs to lead us by the still waters of His peace.

Today, I will think about how I can follow Him to the place where He can restore my soul. My thoughts will be on the peace He gives even in the midst of turmoil. My meditations will be on His total acceptance of me and my heart - no matter what I'm dealing with today. I will listen for Him to say peace, be still to my heart and I will yield to that, and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

He is Faithful

I can't believe I did it, but I managed a short get-away. That's one reason I've been MIA for a few days, but I'm back. At one point I was thinking it was going to be easier to stay home than coordinate my son's care for while I was gone. I have some respite that I can use through the Advantage program which helped a lot. Then I have some really great friends and family to help at home. I really don't have to worry about him as he's well cared for on all counts. But getting it all together is something else! But I have to say it was worth it. I needed the break and I hope to take more later.

I went to a lady's retreat at the beach. Just a few weeks ago I had put the beach on my List of Places I'll Never See Again. But somehow, it all worked out and I spent four days there with a group of amazing women. I felt almost normal again. Ha! In the future, I'm going to try to plan more getaways. I came home rejuvenated, but tired, rolled up my sleeves and got right back to work.

While I was at the beach, I had some time to myself. I walked along the beach a few times, and got a few runs in. These times allowed me to do some deep thinking and soul searching. I have come to the conclusion that I'll never be able to figure out all the whys...but I can conclude that He is faithful.

Several people asked me about working online and I began unfolding the story of how I started to where I am now. All I can say - is He is faithful. He has provided all along the way, and I have no doubt that He will continue to provide for us. That doesn't mean it has always been easy, or that I haven't had to work at it, but He's led me through and kept me in the process.

As I recounted parts of my "story" and talked about my son, the realization of how He has cared and provided for us over the years grew. At this point, I can look back and just shake my head as I think about how He has kept my heart in His on this rocky journey. I believe it pleases Him when He sees us continue to pursue Him even in the midst of the storm of caregiving.

We can throw up our hands and give in - or we can throw up our hands in surrender to Him. When we honor Him with praise through the pain or as we continue to look to Him through the tears He is pleased. . When we lift it all up to Him - He reaches down and meets us right there in our pain. It doesn't frighten Him. It doesn't scare Him. He doesn't get tired of us.

God doesn't sigh when we turn to Him again and again. I believe He smiles. Because we keep running back to Him over and over. It doesn't make Him tired - it makes Him glad. He faithfully beckons us to bring our burdens to Him. He is faithful. We can come every single day with the joys and trials of caregiving and it won't make Him tired of us. He'll reach down in our hearts and touch us, strengthen us and give us what we need to make another day. Every.Single.Time.

Today I am going to rejoice that He is not tired of me yet. My meditations will be on His faithfulness and His strength in me to keep taking steps one at a time. I'll turn my thoughts to how He continues to care for me and mine. I'll be thankful for all He has done over these years and I'll continue to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Double Trouble!

Sunday, when the family was gathered, my daughter sneaked over and got a "siblings" pic. I really think Chris is smirking at her. And he's looking at the camera like he knows what he's doing too! When I saw this photo on her Facebook wall, it brought both joy and sadness. It was a joy to have her take a siblings shot, but I know how difficult this has been for her. It's like I hurt for both my children.

Double pain. I grieve over the loss of my son, and I hurt as I watch my daughter struggle to deal with it all as well. One of a mother's worst nightmares. I'm proud of the woman she has become and how she has let it bring her closer to God, but the journey, like each of ours, has been difficult.

I guess caregiving really changes us, but we don't always realize how much or in what ways those changes are affecting us. They keep telling us that we are emerging a beautiful butterfly - but too often I still feel stifled in a cocoon with no flight in site.

I'm sitting here and reflecting on our memories recent and past and wondering what to do with all the emotions. Then out of nowhere I get this text that just says "Psalm 35." I was like - what a jerk to just send a reference and no point! lol So of course, I opened my Bible and read through the chapter. David talks a lot about stumbling, fighting, affliction, and fighting with his enemies. I'm thinking it sounds a lot like one of my days lately.

As I read through this declarative prayer I found two things that stood out to me. I am still learning about praying about my enemies since we don't wrestle against flesh and blood and aides and agencies....But what did stand out what the declaration in verse 10 - All my bones will say, Lord who is like You....." I really like that - I want my bones to cry out even if my voice can't - and declare that He is Lord of my life.

The second verse that grabbed my attention was the final one. And my tongue shall declare Your righteousness and Your praise all day long. May this be so. May I direct my tongue to declare His righteousness each day - no matter what the day brings. 1 Corinthians 1:30 says that Christ become righteousness for us. That truth cannot be changed no matter what happens to us this side of time. And that's a good thing.

Today, I will continue to say in my heart, Lord, there is none like You. And I will thank Him for becoming my righteousness. I'll turn my thoughts back to the cross where He paid the price for me, where He bore my pain and grief so I could remain in right standing with Him. My meditation will be on how He covers me...forever. I will rest in Him today knowing He has done a complete work by making me righteous and I will rejoice in this and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Mind, Will, Emotions

 As many around the world, my family gathered for Easter Sunday. One thing about my family is we have a rich heritage in the Word and in ministry. It was a true blessing to sing a few songs around the piano and especially to take communion together. I'm proud of my Christian heritage, but that hasn't stopped "bad" things from happening.

My head and heart were still full from yesterday as I awoke this morning. My emotions were still all over the place as I opened my Bible (yes I am old school - I want to touch it!) for my devotions this morning. My eyes landed in Psalm 86. David starts out with a prayer for God to hear his cry because he is afflicted and needy.

Now, I don't think David was whimpering. In my mind, he was just stating how much He needed God. He says, save Your servant, who trusts in You. And then goes on with I cry to you all day long.He lifts his soul to the Lord - that's his mind, will and emotions. The part of David that made him uniquely David. Even though our bodies are all unique and we have distinct features and fingerprints, it's our soul that makes us so unique. We think differently, have different experiences to shape us and to draw from in our thinking processes. We have various emotions and feel things differently. It's the core of our being and the part that can trip us up!

David later says, In the day of my trouble I will call on You - for You will answer me. Then he changes his perspective. In about verse 8 he starts praising God. There is none like You. You are graet and do wondrous deeds.. You alone are God. After that, his tone changes. He begins to pray differently. Instead of crying out - now he is asking, Teach me Your ways...Unite my heart to fear Your name...I will give thanks to You...

Today, I want to skip the first part of this discourse and just go to the second part. I feel crushed beneath the load of life this morning, but I will turn my focus on Him. I'll take the cries of my soul - that part of me that feels, and lay it at His feet and then I will praise Him. My prayers and meditations today will be on asking Him to teach me to trust Him more. I'll lean a little more into Him today and yield my heart to the changes He wants to make in me. I'll yield my heart and soul to Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Or What?

One of the difficult things about becoming a caregiver is that life goes on. Please note, it's not like most people mean that phrase. Life as we knew it, life as normal, life like everyone else does not go on. For many of us, life after caregiving is far different than before. But it seems like for everyone else - life goes on. There are two sides of this for me. On one hand it can be difficult watching all my son's friends go on with their lives as they should. they marry, have children, develop careers and have nice little lives. While my son struggles with learning to eat, move and talk again.

The other side of that coin is far different though. It's the part of life goes on that can be rewarding. My daughter married before my son's wreck, but she didn't start having children until a little later on. My daughter and I have talked about how we grieve that her kiddos will never know the Chris we knew. There's a real sadness there.

Last night, my daughter called and said that my granddaughter had fallen in the tub, hit her head, and a huge knot had come up. She seemed okay, but as a precaution they were headed to the hospital to get her checked out. I am not even sure if I can describe my range of emotions. I was angry, fearful, and had tons of what ifs running through my head. I'm an over-thinker and I had all these horrible images running through my head. I wanted to pray. I did pray. But God didn't rescue my son - can I trust Him now?  I heard my heart say - God, I can't take something else, I can't handle if my granddaughter is hurt. I lashed out at Him with my thoughts. And very simply, it was like He said, or what?

I was kind of caught off guard by that addendum to my raging thoughts. But I stopped, and thought, yeah, or what? Am I going to just stop trusting Him now? Will I walk away from Him and stop writing, praying, reading my Bible or pursuing Him? And in that moment, I realized there wasn't an or what. There's nothing I can do to manipulate life to go "my way" because, trust me, if there was I would have used it already!

Life is going to still happen and bad things are going to still happen. And I see absolutely no reason to stop trusting Him now. Instead, I find it drives me to Him more. All those deep-rooted scriptures will just dive deeper in my soul. I'll still say of the Lord - He is my help. He is a present help in trouble (any trouble, all trouble), I still run to Him with my heart's cry. I will still trust Him. I do still trust Him. And if something else does happen, I'll just learn to trust Him more. There's not an or what?.

He is the only constant in my life (see yesterday's post!). He will still carry me. He will still comfort me. He will still be with me. I'm not moving - and He's not moving.

My beautiful granddaughter is fine. She had a blast at the hospital I'm told. The nurses loved her and had fun with her and fed her snacks, and she even thought the CT scan was cool. lol She has a huge knot on her head, and a headache (she says her hair hurts).But she's okay. I'm okay. And God's okay with that.

Today I'm going to focus on trusting Him more. My thoughts will be on how He moves in closer when "bad" things happen - never further away. I'll meditate on how He is always present which means He is always right here no matter what the day brings - a true present help in trouble. I'll think about how my family has trusted Him as our refuge over the years - and that's not going to change with me. And today - I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Simple Lesson in Math

I've issued a challenge on many occasions and asked anyone brave enough to come follow me through a day in  the life of a caregiver. You wanna know how many takers I've had so far? Zilch. Zero. Nada. On one hand, I find that a bit amazing since there are so many people ready to lend advice - but not a hand. Of course, on the other hand, I'm not surprised in the least.

Each day brings different challenges depending on the level and type of care we are providing for our loved ones. For me, one day my son is pleasant, easy to work with, eats well and is alert. The next day (or moment for that matter) his body can be rigid, stiff and he can be uncomfortable and upset. He might even sleep all day.

Situations with agencies change constantly too. Yesterday, a nurse shows up without calling and announces that she's Chris' new nurse. (I liked the other one of course.)One month I get supplies, aides show up and I get some help. Other times, nothing seems to go right. As caregivers we learn to use what we have from where we are - adjust, adapt and advance! It becomes the norm after awhile and is really no big deal.

So this morning I was letting all this run around in my head and I thought - there's just nothing constant in my life. Friends change, aides change, companies change hands, jobs change... life is in a continual state of change. But God. He remains the one constant in my life. He has not changed one iota since the day of my son's wreck.

This took me back to my days of teaching math. In Algebra there will be variables and constants. Variables change - you never know what they may be. You can plug anything in for a variable for any reason at all. That's those confusing x's everyone complains about. Then in a problem, you'll also have a number. That's the constant. It will not change no matter what you do to the problem - you can count on it to still be what it was when you started. If you get confused - you can erase everything and go back to that same constant and variable. No matter what variable you use - the constant is still be the same.

I started thinking about how my life has changed - and continues to change. There are many variables coming into play. But no matter what - God is that constant - I can count on Him to remain, no matter what the variables do. No matter how "messed up" a day gets - I can always go back to the constant. If I make tons of mistakes, get out of control or just lose it - I can go back to Him because He is that constant.

His love doesn't change. His mercy doesn't change. His presence doesn't change. The fact that He is with me does not change, period. He is constant. I can count on Him to be the same. Always. The task at hand becomes shifting my focus from the variables, the things that tend to change constantly - and focusing on the Constant that never changes.

Today, I'm going to shift my focus off all the things that constantly change around me to His constant love. My meditations will be of Him and the bare truth that He doesn't change - my situation cannot change Him. I'll turn my thoughts to how He remains with me...always. He's not looking for a way out. I'll take life's algebra problem with it's many variables back to the one constant, Him. I'll remain right there rejoicing in the truth that He remains. Period. And I'll let that thought carry me as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

So, How Are You?

Do you get confused like I do when someone asks How are you? As you know by now, I'm an over-thinker and my mind can go a hundred different directions with what seems like a simple question. Do you want to know how I am as a caregiver? Not likely. Or perhaps you want to know how I am physically. Less likely - menopausal, but I did just run my 23rd half marathon, that can be intimidating. Would you like to know how my work is going? Busy, as usual I can't keep up. What about emotionally? You really don't want to know that one - because I can be all over the place for no reason at all - pick an answer from ecstatic to depressed, I don't care. lol

But we all know that no one really wants an honest answer to the question, so we just say, Oh, I'm good.  Or maybe something about being fine and doing well. Because that's the  polite thing to do, and it's safer too because those who are not caregivers can't quite grasp where we are, but it's okay because God does. He can handle it, He can handle us. He's not scared of our emotional ups and downs, our crazy thoughts (maybe that's just me), or our weird little worlds. I'm so thankful for that.

So, this morning I was reading along and came across a verse in Psalms that I've read plenty of times before and I'm pretty sure I've sung it in a song or too back in the day. But today it hit me a bit differently for some reason and  it generated a bunch of questions in my mind - as you see that's not that difficult to do.

Psalm 84:11 simply says- For the Lord God is a sun and shield. That's the first part of the verse, but I didn't make it past that. I guess I usually thought sun - like the big yellow light in the sky; and shield like a piece of armor you carry into battle to protect you. But this morning I realized I wasn't sure that made sense. I was okay with the fact that He is my light, and He is my shield in battle.

But why would the psalmist say it that way? Why would he use two such different terms as if they belonged together? Then it hit me. Maybe the psalmist meant that God is our sun - when we need the light of day; and He's our shield when the heat is too much for us to bear. In short - He's whatever we need right now. If I need the warmth of the sun - He can do that. If it's too hot for me, and I need a break - He can do that too. He can cover wherever we are in the How are you? categories. He can meet us where we are and calm our thoughts.

So the question becomes what do you need today? Or what do you need right now? Do you need direction and a light on your path? Or do you need a break, a moment to get out of the heat and catch your breath? Either way - He;s good for it. He really is everything for us - whatever we need.

Today, I'm going to focus on how He can be my sun - light, direction, warmth. And He can also be my shield - protection, wind-breaker, shelter. I'll meditate on how He really is my everything. He's all I truly need. I'll give Him all the crazy thoughts and emotions - and let Him carry me through one more day. Will you join me?