A Full Plate

Today is a "normal" morning for me. My head and heart are going 900 miles an hour in every direction. I've said before that caregiving itself is heavy enough without having to deal with the rest of "life." This thing we call life doesn't slow down for us just because our plate is full with taking care of another person.

If your day is anything like mine, it's filled with cooking, cleaning, working a job, paying bills, and all the caregiving tasks that go along with taking care of your loved one. On top of all the "normal" stuff there is bathing, dressing, transferring, feeding, meal prep, and waiting to see if the aide shows up today or not. (lol) Our proverbial plate is full to the point of overflow. Let just one little thing happen and........

I may be the only one that explodes or implodes or throws up their hands in disgust, disbelief or discouragement when seemingly little things rock the boat. (I know, it's probably just me....) When my daughter was little, she asked me why we cry when we are happy. The only explanation I had was that we had a little "emotions cup" and when it gets full, then the emotions run out our eyes and it doesn't matter if that's a happy or a sad cry - it's just our emotions leaking out. I find that as a caregiver, that make-believe cup is always full and always leaking out. However, it can leak out in many ways from quiet tears to loud outbursts of anger.

So what are we to do? We can't stop life from happening around us. How to we manage this fullness? 

My immediate answer today is to run to Him. In the early years of caregiving, honestly, I was too mad at Him to do that. As I've settled into this role and figured out that there's not really anywhere else to run, it's once again become my immediate response. That feels good actually. No one else understands our hearts like He does. Know one else understands, or can handle, all our (my) random, crazy thoughts like He can. I don't confuse Him! lol My emotions being all over the place never make Him want to quit. He never  says - I don't know what to do now. He doesn't get bewildered, upset, or cranky like I do! (I'm sure that's just me too....)

The cool thing is, that He is that stable force in my topsy turvy life. He is that constant that never changes. No matter how crazy my day, life, thoughts or emotions get He's still right here. His hands are always outstretched ready to embrace. His heart is never too full to sweep me in and carry me. He doesn't get tired of caregivers, like people do. He never gets to the "end of His rope." He's not distraught, discouraged, or derailed by my crazy life.

As a matter of fact, a scripture comes to mind: Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. (Romans 15:13 KJV) It really is possible to abound in hope in our circumstance. And it truly is possible to be filled with joy and peace no matter what we are facing.

Today I will shift my focus from those things troubling my heart - to the fact that He fills me with joy and peace. My meditations once again will be on the truth that He doesn't give up on us. He doesn't throw up His hands or throw in the towel. He gently, sometimes quietly, walks beside us - carrying us when necessary. I'll turn my thoughts to His gentle peace and rest in Him as I let Him guide my steps through this day. And I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Adjusting my "I Will"

I wasn't really looking, but I found myself in Psalm 7 this morning. I'm not for sure, but I may have found every caregiver there too. :-)

Work is super busy and I'm trying to plan a getaway for this weekend so I had my morning all planned out and was going to do this devotion a little later in the day. Honestly, I'm not sure why I was even thinking that because after the day gets roaring there's not hardly time to breathe. It turned out to be a thought that didn't matter as my Bible fell open to Psalms this morning and captured me.

Sometimes as caregivers our thoughts and emotions can be all over the place. One second we are fine, the next second we are crying, grieving, and lost. But then, we wipe our eyes and our nose, get back up, roll up our sleeves and get right back to work. I call that resilient. Maybe David gave us a glimpse of ourselves in this short psalm.

He opens up the psalm with a simple prayer for protection. I come to You for protection, O Lord my God, save me....he begins. It may be only in my imagination, but it seems stark fear sets in between verse 1 and verse 2 - maybe he thought, what if He doesn't save me this time?  Because he then goes into what may (or may not) be a frantic thought - If you don't....I'm going to be mauled like a lion and torn to pieces. Well, how many mornings have caregivers thought that? God be with me today -- if you're not - I think I'm going to die.

After his prayer - and a bit of fear, I find the next 4 verses almost funny, only because I relate. David repents - just in case. And says basically, if I'm guilty then let my enemies capture me and trample me to the ground. Then he shifts gears once again - Arise O Lord! 

This is my day in a nutshell. Prayer. Fear. More prayer. Repent (just in case). Prayer. It can seriously be a vicious cycle - asking God for help to make it through the day, wondering if He really will, fearful of what happens if He chooses not to - and back to a prayer of total trust. We see that in the last verse as David cycles through all the emotions and lands on a point of praise. Praise always wins!

In verse 17, after he's run through his emotions, the strength and wickedness of his enemy and his fears, he ends with an I will......

I will thank the Lord 

Because He is just.

I will sing praise to the name 

of the Lord Most High.

I can't tell you how many mornings, afternoons, evenings and in-betweens I've worked through this cycle. Maybe you have too. We don't deny the emotions of caregiving. We don't act like it's easy, or it doesn't hurt, or it isn't real. We just bring an open, honest heart before our God and say - here I am to worship......still.

Today I will get my "I will" in order. I will stop and just thank Him. I will sing His praise - not because I live a pain-free, easy, life - but because He is worthy of praise. My meditations will be on Him - and not my surroundings. I will shift my focus onto Him instead of my not-so-normal situation and I will let Him carry me. I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me? What is your I will for today?

Part-time God?

I've been doing some research for a project I'm working on and it has had me looking back through much of the Old Testament. I love the New Testament, but I equally enjoy the Old Testament, so I don't mind a bit!

While doing some of the background reading, I spent some time reading in Exodus. I find this to be one of the most exciting books in the Bible. Even though there is a lot to glean from this adventurous book, one little scripture captured my attention.

Exodus 25 is smack dab in the middle of the instructions God is giving Moses for building the tabernacle. This section of scripture is so important because the blueprints God gave Moses are shadows of the heavenly according to Hebrews 8. And that's why I paused to meditate on Exodus 25:30. Here's what it says:

You shall set the bread of the Presence

on the table before Me

at all times.

On one hand, it would be easy to read quickly over this one verse without understanding its significance. But me? Nope. I can get hung up on a thought or phrase for long periods of time until I exhaust it through study, thought and divine revelation (sometimes!). Why do I think this little known verse is so important? And why is it significant to caregivers? (I'm so glad you asked!)

It's this one little phrase at all times that sticks out for me. Since we understand from the writer of Hebrews that it's heavy with symbolism, I have to think that the Bread of the Presence being on the table at all times signifies the constant-ness of His presence. He doesn't look at me like a part-time job. He is ever present, ever ready to be part of my daily life.And that just makes my day!

When I became a full-time caregiver, I didn't realize how my relationships with others might change. Many "friends" were not able to make the journey with me. I recall when my son was still in the hospital and a friend asked what they could do for me. I said - call me every day. I needed someone to just help me see outside my fog... I didn't talk to them again for over 6 years. 

Relationships can be very different for the caregiver - but God is our constant. He is that at all times bread of the Presence. There's no part-time care for us, part-time watching over us, part-time loving us - He's all in! He continues to invest in our lives because He knows we'll all reap the results in eternity. And just like that bread of the Presence was to always be on the table in the tabernacle, His presence is always on the table of our hearts. Remember, He told us in the new covenant the word wouldn't just be recorded on stone like it was in Exodus, but that His word would be written on the tablets of our hearts. (Hebrews 8, Jeremiah 31) He's in us. He's with us. His presence is ever-abiding. We are not His part-time job... He's all in.

Today I am going to keep my thoughts on how He is full-time focused on my heart. My meditations will be on how ever-abiding He is. He doesn't walk away, He doesn't forget to call, He doesn't call it quits. He is constantly available for me and is always watching over my heart. God isn't a part-time God - He's all in. I'm going to rejoice in that truth today as I rest in Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Facing the Enemy

One of the side effects of the alone-ness that accompanies caregiving is when things go wrong, there's no one close to blame. Of course, I'm kidding just a little bit. As a sole caregiver, I am left alone to make decisions both big and small. Sometimes they are right - and sometimes they are wrong, but they are mine and I own them!

So when I was reading Psalm 94 this morning about the attack of the enemy David was experiencing, I looked up (figuratively) to see no one there....still. It's just me and Chris day in and day out. I don't have someone breaking down my door to come in. There's no one standing outside mocking me; and no one is spouting out discouraging words to try and make me quit.

So how can I relate to an enemy like David faced? Mostly, my enemies, for they are many, are the voices in my own head. I second guess almost every single decision. Sometimes, it feels like my own faith is mocking me for holding on through this storm. Thoughts can run around crazy in my head. Discouragement is always knocking at the door, but I don't have to open it. I do not have to embrace crazy thoughts.....they are not always all mine. Even though I cannot relate to David's facing a battle worn enemy, I can identify with a barrage of thoughts, events and situations that constantly attack my heart, emotions and mind.

In the heat of the battle for the faith, I have to pull out these three verses from Psalm 94 to hold on to today:

Unless the Lord had been my help,

I would soon have dwelt in the land where there is silence.

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

Your mercy and loving-kindness O Lord, held me up.

In the multitude of my anxious thoughts within me,

Your comforts cheer and delight my soul. (Amp)

Now that's some things to think about right there! When we feel ourselves slipping into discouragement or feel depression trying to close in we can trust His mercy to hold us up. Personally, my thoughts are my worst enemy sometimes. A simple memory, or thought can spark a series of hurtful thoughts and I feel my mind and emotions being dragged down into the pit. Over the years, I've developed strategies to try and keep my head above water when the enemy comes in like that. But it is His mercy that keeps me afloat!

We are in good company with the psalmist here. David said he was experiencing a multitude of anxious thoughts. That's an everyday occurrence for many of us. It's a constant struggle to keep them from taking root in our minds and hearts. As an over-thinker, I have us all dead before anything actually happens! (Hopefully, that's just me! lol)

But I can always trust God to comfort my soul. He can delight my soul in ways that another person cannot, because He can touch parts of me that people can't reach. He pours in His joy, peace and comfort when I run to Him. His mercy holds me up.

Today, I'm going to give Him all my anxious thoughts one.more.time. And I will pour them out before Him and let Him replace them with peace and comfort. I'll rejoice in the fact that He is big enough to handle my crazy thoughts and calm my fears. My meditation will be on how He delights my soul, just by being present. And I'll lean in to Him a little closer as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

What do Running Shoes and Caregiving Have in Common?

This weekend was the annual Oklahoma Brain Tumor Foundation Race for Hope. They do the races each year to raise money for OKBTF, a foundation that offers help to families who are dealing with a member who has a brain tumor. Some of my family has done it several times but this year was the first year we got together and formed a team for my sister, Tina, who has a brain tumor. It's non-cancerous and not growing, but she had a shunt put in back in 2008 that has to be maintained or the tumor blocks the fluid from draining properly from her brain. The sitter couldn't sit with Chris so I took him with me and my son-in-law sat with him while the rest of us did the races. For some reason, my newest great-niece enjoyed talking to Chris, even though he didn't talk to her. They had a great silent conversation!

So, as a runner I am always thinking about running shoes. When I started running, I didn't know there were special shoes for running, I just wore what I had. Now I understand there are actually four different types of running shoes. After I run between 400 and 600 miles, depending on the shoes, they need to be replaced. Each runner has their preference as far as shoes go and some runners use different types of shoes based on what type of run they are doing. For me - I go for cushion. I need the extra padding so my feet don't hurt.

To have the best run and take the best care of your feet, each runner selects the type of shoe needed for the types of running they do. For instance:

• Endurance  shoes are for runners who log tons of miles. These guys may run 100 miles or so every week. (unbelievable!)
• Speed shoes are designed to be lightweight so they don't weigh down the runner who is trying to go faster and faster.
• Cushion is for those of us runners whose feet hurt, especially on longer runs. They also help provide some cushion for those old knees.
• Stability shoes are designed to offer support for those who have fallen arches or awkward cadences when they run.

As I was thinking about getting new running shoes this morning I thought about these four types and realized as caregivers we need all four. Now, of course they can't make one shoe that meets all these needs for all the different runners. Each caregiver has their own set of needs too. The difference for us is that we need all four of these. We have to be able to endure day after day of endless tasks that have to be done for our loved ones, endurance. It doesn't take us long to figure out how to be efficient with our responsibilities so we can get more done in less time, speed. On any given day, we need the comfort of Holy Spirit to soothe our souls, cushion. And we need His strength to help keep us keeping on without faltering, stability.

Runners have to choose which type of shoe they want to use for each run, or race. But for caregivers - we really need all four of these every single day; or at least I do! I really wanted to find one scripture where all four of these were promised - maybe you can think of one - but I couldn't. But there is always Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 

I guess the thing is, no matter what we need today - whether it is one of these four key areas or something else, He is that. He can pour His strength in us so we can endure this day. He gives strength to the weary (Isaiah 40:39). He provides us with comfort when our souls need a little bit more cushioning. (Isaiah 61:2) He is our rock, our sure foundation - the One who holds us up when the journey gets rough. (Psalm 18:2) He is always on time, even if it feels like He's not! (2 Peter 3:9)

Basically, He is. Maybe this is what He was communicating to Moses when He said I Am. He just is. Whatever we need today - He is. He's our all in all - everything all wrapped up in one. Comfort, peace, help, strength, endurance, security, stability, etc. You name what you need and He's got it. He is it. He can provide it.

Today, I will trust Him for everything I need. Personally, that's endurance right now. But you know how caregiving goes - that might change at any given second. But no matter what, I'll continue to trust Him to be that. Whatever that is at any point in my day. My meditation will be on how He is here and He's a now  God. He is the I Am. I'll turn my thoughts to His beyond-abilities. He can do beyond what we can think of, He can do beyond what we can imagine. So I will just let Him be God in my life today. I'll be still.. and just know He is God. And I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

The Bitter - Sweet

This was a crazy weekend for us and my emotions are ALL over the place. If I'd rest for a few minutes, I'd probably find out that I'm exhausted! Given half a chance, I'd crawl away to a cave and sleep for days and come out saying, who knew? As caregivers, we don't have that luxury. As a matter of fact, since we were out both Saturday and Sunday this weekend, I thought Chris would crash but he's awake at 4:30 this morning. Seriously?

Yesterday, we went to church. I know - quite remarkable we made it two Sundays in a row, right? After being out on Saturday it was a bit much for Chris and he was obviously uncomfortable. So, on one hand, it was nice to be in services with my sister's family and my mom and dad. On the other, I wish Chris could have been more comfortable.

For me, yesterday was a double whammy. For one, I enjoyed being with family, loved being able to

be with my daughter's family and the grandkids. We had a long row at the restaurant and it felt nice being there together. We set Chris' chair at the end so it wasn't sticking out into a walkway but since he wasn't feeling good, I didn't feel comfortable feeding him there.

Mother's Day was awkward for me emotionally. I can't tell you how much I love my daughter and enjoy every single second with my beautiful grandchildren. But on Mother's Day in particular, I miss the children Chris can't have. That might not make any sense to anyone else - but it's part of the grieving process for caregivers of children. There can be many questions- if he hadn't had the wreck. Who would he have married? Would they have children? What kind of job would he have? Would he even show up for holidays? A beautiful day can be turned into sorrow so easily and emotions can be all over the place.

For me - that's only half of it. The other half of the double play is watching my mom in slow decline. I'm not directly her caregiver, but she's slowly fading from us. Even the doctor who diagnosed dementia said it's moving fast. She's not chatty like she used to be. The mom I know would have talked to most of the people at church yesterday and known most of their stories by the time we left. The good thing is for now, she knows who we are - at least while we are with her. She gets who's married to who and whose kid the grandkids are mixed up, but she knows us when we are talking to her or sitting with her. It's so very sad to lose her this way.

Personally, it bothers me that I can't provide more care for my mom. I'm still thinking of getting a bigger place so I can do more. But I also realize I do have my hands full with Chris. I get frustrated. I can't be the daughter/caregiver because I am the mother/caregiver. I'm the rescuer. When things go wrong or there's a problem that needs fixing - I'm the one who wants to find solutions and answers. But for these life-situations, there's not always a fix.

So here I am with full hands and a full heart looking up to Him one more time. Where do I put all this? What do I do with these raw emotions? I go the only place I know to go - to my knees before His throne. Then, I take action by doing the only thing I can do. I lay it all down before Him. None of my emotions or thoughts are unknown to Him - I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it from a God who sees all.

He knows the frustration. He knows the pain. He knows all the longings of the heart. What comes to mind is when the Children of Israel were coming out of Egypt. They crossed the Red Sea and then came to Marah, which means bitter. It was named Marah because the waters were bitter - and they couldn't drink there. God handled too much water by leading them through on dry land. But now, what will He do with bitter waters?

He instructed them to cut down a tree and throw it in the water. What? Since when does a tree have the natural qualities to make bitter water sweet? When it's a cross. Sometimes, life brings us by bitter waters and it takes the cross to make them sweet enough to drink. It's His grace that carries us through the rough days. His mercy working in us that makes our bitter walk sweeter.

So in this moment, I'll chose to refocus on the cross. I will remind myself that He bore my shame, my pain, my sorrow and my grief. And today - I'll let Him. I'll empty my hands and my heart before Him and wait on Him. To heal.To restore.

Today, I'll shift my focus away from my emotions and back to Him. (This might take all day to do too!) To start, I'll make a grateful list. I'll begin writing out on paper things I can think of that I am thankful for. That'll be my starting place and it will allow me to shift my focus off these raw emotions and in a different direction. My meditations will be on all He's done for me to bring me to this place, and I'll be thankful. I'll take a posture and an attitude of thankfulness as I make today my personal Thanksgiving Day. My thoughts will be on all He's done - I'll take a look back at the promises He's fulfilled and the other times in life I've seen Him make the bitter water sweet, the Red Seas of my life He's led me across safely. And I'll say thank you to Him one more time as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me? Happy Thanksgiving!

Just Three?

After reading through chapter 4 of 2 Corinthians yesterday, I decided to skip on over to chapter 12 for my reading today. Here's where we find Paul talking in a little more detail about his struggles and troubles. Maybe I don't physically have to endure the beatings and imprisonments like Paul, but my soul has been chained, my soul broken and my emotions drained out like blood. Thankfully, these are not things we feel every single day, but at times as caregivers we become emotionally spent, physically exhausted and just feel beat up by life. I'm so glad to have a place to run when life or caregiving overwhelms. A place I can hide...and heal.

So, I'm reading Paul's discussion on his struggles and pertaining to his thorn in the flesh, he says he asked God three times that it might leave him. I just stopped and stared. Three times? That's it? You're going through hell on earth and you only ask God three times for relief? I'm not there now - but I have been under such oppression that I was begging - and I mean beggin' for relief.

My only answer is that Paul must have gotten his answer after his third time. When God said My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness Paul got it. He understood. Then he changed his stance. Rather than begging for everything to be taken away (we all know how effective that's been, right?), he began to rejoice in his weaknesses. Sounds ludicrous right? But it's not.

Now instead of being in begging mode - bowing beneath the load, Paul is rejoicing that through his own weaknesses, God's strength will be glorified. He said, when I am weak, then I am strong. Kind of sounds like he's talking through both sides of his mouth like a politician, doesn't it? But he isn't. He came to the realization that in his weakest moment - he was still strong because the Spirit of the Living God lived in him to lift him up and carry him through. In that truth - he gained strength for the journey.

Maybe I've focused too much on my own weakness, and not enough on His strength. His strength that is in me is enough. It's enough to carry me through - His power is easier to see in my weakness than if I'm trying to be the "strong one." In order to be truly strong, I must lose myself. When I lose myself in Him, His strength abounds. Ephesians 3:16 says that we are strengthened with might (or power) through His Spirit in the inner man. The Amplified says it this way: May He grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the Holy Spirit Himself indwelling your inner most being.....

Can we grab hold of the truth that the Spirit of the living God is LIVING inside of us - to strengthen us, guide us into truth (which doesn't change due to circumstances), and empower us to live this life? He gave no stipulations - no exemptions. He's not standing outside waiting for us to "get it together." He's indwelling us. Walking this through with us and empowering us along the way.

Today, I'm going to turn my thoughts to how Holy Spirit lives in me. As I recognize my great weakness, His power fills up all my empty spaces. My meditations will be on how I gain strength just because He's here. And I have the power to face one more day - with Him - the One who doesn't take a break, doesn't get tired, doesn't quit and never loses strength. I'm going to be thankful that I see my weakness today and that His strength is in me helping me trust in Him for one more day. Will you join me?