Total Dependence

Some nights when I get Chris to bed, I crawl up next to him to snuggle and tell him "good night." Sometimes he pushes on me like I'm in his space and he wants me to go away. lol Other times, like last night, he looks me directly in the eyes as if to communicate he loves me. At least that's what my imagination says, and I'm not going to argue.

After I posted this picture in his group page on Facebook last night, I sat and looked at it for awhile. I've learned so much about love, self-denial, God's love and myself on this caregiving journey. But that's not where my mind went this time.

This time, I thought about how Chris is dependent on me. For everything. His food. His safety. His comfort. His therapy. Literally everything. He can't do anything without my help, except complain about my help. That's okay though, it means I'm doing my job.

As I thought about my son's utter dependence on me, I wondered what it might be like if I was utterly dependent on God. What if I relied on Him for my every move? What if I trusted Him for every bite of food, my clothes, my care, my safety, my soul, my health?

My son was an adult when his accident occurred and he was taking care of himself. But with the head injury, he became dependent. It's normal to refrain from being dependent on something, or someone unless we just have to - but what if we just decided to become totally dependent on Him? What would that look like?

What if we waited for Him for our breath?
What if we waited for Him for our sustenance?
What if we waited for Him for our provision?
What if we waited on Him......period?

David must have had a clue. He gave us glimpses into waiting on Him in several psalms.

Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. (Ps. 33:20)

My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation. (Ps. 62:1)

My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed more than the watchmen for the morning. (Ps. 130:6)

Today, I declare my total dependence on Him. I will command my soul to wait on Him. I'll let Him fill in the gaps. My meditations will be on waiting on Him in silence. (That's the hard part.) I'll think about being less independent - and much more dependent on His word and His way in my life. I'll wait for Him for direction, for provision, for comfort. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me in becoming totally dependent on Him?

He Really Will

Sometimes in caregiving it's easy to lose sight of the simplest things.Maybe it's all the tasks we have to do just to get through the day that sidetracks us. Perhaps it's just the day and time we live in. There are many nights when I look up and it seems I've been busy all day, but I still have so many things to accomplish before I can call it a day. It's true I think even for non-caregivers.

As I am writing this devotion this morning I've got a full itemized list of the things I need to get done today going through my head. They are spilling out onto paper as I make my "to-do" list for today. As I write things down, I put an asterisk beside the ones that simply cannot wait until tomorrow. I'm already wondering how I'm going to get it all done. And of course, on top of that, the aid comes from 9 to noon so I can run errands (that isn't even on the list). But today the pulmonologist is coming. I guess that's a good thing, but it sucks some of that time away.

This morning as I got up and around early, I had a scripture running around in my head. I sat down with my Bible and my coffee and read Philippians 1:6. It's familiar to anyone who's been in church circles for any amount of time. It simply says He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ. It can be so easy to be distracted by caregiving, but He really is still working on us and in us. And He really will continue working in us until He is done.

He doesn't look at our busy lives and say not today. lol. He's not perplexed by our crazy by-the-seat-of-our-pants schedules. He doesn't worry about whether or not He will be able to finish what He started in us. And again, there is no exclusionary statement saying this verse doesn't apply to caregivers. He will finish what He started in us. His work is never unfinished or undone. He continues to breathe His life into us. We are still His workmanship. We are still the apple of His eye. We are still His child. We are still hidden safely in Him. He won't give up or walk away. He won't wring His hands in worry. He just continues to work in us, through us, and for us. Even in caregiving.

Today I am going to meditate on this scripture with a heart of gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to His work, and away from mine. My meditations will be directed to considering His work in me and on His faithfulness. I'll work hard at getting in step with Him and walking alongside what He is doing. And I'll wait for Him to continue working in me, through me, and sometimes in spite of me. :-) I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Quick to Condemn

Rest is not a word we hear much as caregivers. Well, let me rephrase that. If you are anything like me, you hear that you should rest more. Of course, these statements are made by people who first of all haven't got a clue about how impossible that is. Secondly, they make no offer to help so it could be possible. I just let their words go like water off a duck's back. Poor souls really have no clue. (smile!)

I will say though, that out of desperation, I've learned a few ways to sneak in a rest or two now and then. It took quite a bit of ingenuity and creativity, along with pure exhaustion to figure it out. But eventually, I got it. It's not that I didn't appreciate their concern - they just had no idea what they were talking about.

Let's look at some differences here. First, there is a difference in being able to rest and knowing you need to rest. Many times, we know we need to, there's just no one to take up that slack so we can. Secondly, there's a difference between soul rest and body rest. The actual physical resting of our bodies can be nearly impossible sometimes. But soul rest - is always possible, even if it's difficult to get there.

In Isaiah 30:15, God said this through the prophet: In returning and rest you will be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength. Then the prophet adds - but you were not willing. I have always thought this was such a sad verse. God tells us to return to Him, rest in Him, quiet our souls before Him and trust Him. That's our strength. And while resting physically is good for us and helps our body - it's even more important to rest our souls in Him. That's our strength.

I was quick to condemn Isaiah's audience by saying, really? God gives you a simple thing to do - come to Him and rest, and you can't do that? Then I realized I fail too. But oh, when I can come to the place where I bring it all to Him, lay it all at His feet and crawl up in His lap and be still and quiet...He never fails to fill me with His strength for the journey and the battle.

Today I will purpose to quiet my noisy soul before Him. I'll work to rest in Him and let Him carry me. My efforts will be in returning to His lap and being still and quiet - just acknowledging that He is my God. And I'll wait for His strength to fill me, to carry me. Will you join me?

In all Honesty

This morning I was reading along in 1 Corinthians 2 studying a particular topic and got to verse 3. I'm not sure quite why it shocked me as I'm sure I've read it numerous times before. But this morning, I just stopped and stared.

Right there in the Bible - in the New Testament - on this side of the cross, were Paul's words. He said I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. I just looked at it for quite some time and read it over again and again. This is Paul, right? THE Paul who wrote a large portion of the New Testament. THE Apostle Paul who had a divine encounter with God. And he wrote it on this side of the cross.

What kind of apostle is this who admits fear, trembling and weakness openly? The kind God can move through. I'm coming to understand how important it is to be totally honest with God. It's not like He doesn't already know anyway, right? He knows my weakness. He knows my fears. He knows my trembling and my crazy, all-over-the-place thoughts. But He loves me anyway.

I'm not sure God can totally fill us up until we find ourselves empty enough of ourselves to seek Him. I can hide behind my fears. I can hide because of my fears. But when I say to Him - God, I'm scared. I'm fearful. I need You. Then and only then can He take those fears and turn them around while transforming me into a warrior of faith.

We have been taught to not admit our feelings, that they inhibit faith. I no longer think that is accurate. I think it's quite the opposite. When we admit where we are and how we feel, then God can sweep in with His comfort, joy and healing.

As caregivers, days can be filled with such a wide range of emotions. What am I saying? Each moment can be filled with emotional lows and highs. We live in an emotional minefield. It comes with the territory. But until we can admit our frailty and fears - we cannot bring them to God. And until we can bring them to Him - we cannot be healed or helped. I cannot ask for help with something I won't admit I have.

Paul learned the value in this evidently. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 he says this: He has said to me, 'My power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak - then I am strong.

When we realize how frail we are, how weak we are - we can rely on His strength. Paul said he will boast about his weakness.(Boy, you don't hear that one preached much do ya?) I cannot give God my weakness, pain, or fears until I first acknowledge I have them.

Today, I will gladly tell God when I am afraid, when I am angry, when I am fearful. For that is when He steps in. I'll acknowledge my own weakness today so His strength can be perfected in me. I will trust Him with my emotions today and I'll let Him carry me. Will you join me?

Forever is a Long Time

I've been lost in thought the last few weeks, and of course busy with the holidays. Now that Christmas is past, I've turned my thoughts toward a new year. This morning I woke up thinking about some of the rough times that occurred this year. I immediately thought - but the word of God stands forever. It doesn't change due to our circumstances.

I looked up the scripture reference and found it in 1 Peter. But he was simply quoting the verse from Isaiah 40. Verse 8 says this: the grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.

Since I like to look at things in context, I backed up a bit and started reading the first verse of the chapter. It's about comfort and how He is bringing an end to our warfare. Quite honestly, I got nothing on that. Caregiving is still going on. It's still complicated. It's still hurtful. It's still discouraging. However, in verse 3 I found something I could meditate on.

Verse 3 of Isaiah 40 says this: A voice is calling, "Clear the way for the Lord in the wilderness; make smooth in the desert a highway for our God."  And that's when it hit me. If I am to clear the way for the Lord in the wilderness - He must be planning on visiting me in that wilderness. And if I am to make a smooth highway for God in the desert - He must be planning on visiting me in that desert.

He comes right into our wilderness and desert and brings His word - which never fades. Never fails. Never goes out of date. Never misses. But stands forever. Through time. Through deserts and wildernesses. His word endures forever. He is able to bring refreshing in the midst of the desert. He speaks in the wilderness.

Throughout the word we see Him taking the prophet in particular, to the wilderness. It was always for the purpose of speaking to them. When I used to go hiking (BC), I hiked through some wilderness areas. They aren't called a wilderness because nothing grows there - it's because of the absence of the human touch. When we are in the wilderness of life - it's just God and us on a personal level.

He doesn't wait until we are out of the wilderness or desert to speak. He speaks during that season. He brings comfort, refreshing our souls. He doesn't abandon us to the wilderness or desert. We just need to prepare our hearts for the entrance of His word. His word endures forever. The heat of the desert doesn't render it ineffective in our lives. The loneliness of the wilderness doesn't weaken its power in our lives. His word endures.

Today I am going to go back to the basics of the word of God. I'm going to rejoice that His word is not changed by my circumstances. My thoughts will be on how He sends His word - and it accomplishes what He says. Period. I'll meditate on the word today and let it minister to me in the wilderness. And I will trust Him for one more day.Will you join me?

Just Because He Wants To

This morning, I was reading in the first chapter of Ephesians. There are so many things God gave us, just because He wants to. This was just what I needed to hear this morning. As caregivers, many of us deal with a great sense of loss. We do not have a normal life. We can feel separated and alone. Personally, I deal with the living grief of losing my son - but still caring for his body. But as I was reading through these verses, I was reminded of the things I do have in Him - things that are not removable. There's no way to lose the things we have through Christ.

In verse three, it says we have every spiritual blessing in Christ. Not some of them. Not a few of them... but every spiritual blessing. That sounds so good, but what does it really mean? What are those blessings? They seem to unfold over the next few verses.

In verse four, we were chosen in Him before the foundation of the world. Before He said, Let there be light we were chosen. Why? Just because He wanted to. He chose - that's the key word - chose us. Then it says that we would be holy and blameless before Him. I think that is just wow. He chose us - and then made sure we would be holy and blameless. Now I've been called lots of names in my lifetime, but He calls me "holy" and he calls me "blameless." Just because he wants to!

How do I know? Verse four says that He predestined us to adoption as sons, according to the kind intention of His will - His will? Yes. His "want to." He was so intent on making sure we could get back to Him that He predestined, pre-planned a way for us to get back to Him before He said, Let there be light! That is exciting to me - the fact that He planned to make me (you) holy before Adam even sinned. Before I was born, He decided he would make me holy. Why? Just because He wants to.

Today I will meditate on His "want to." He wants to call me His child  - so He does. He wants to call me holy - so He does. He wants to call me blameless - so He does. I'm going to train my thoughts today to stay on His want to - on the things he purposefully said about me - before the world began.  I figure since He could make plans for me before time began - I will rest in today. Will you join me?

Peek-a-Boo

One of my all-time favorite scriptures is in Genesis16. Hagar calls out to the Lord over her son. It doesn't matter if she was right or wrong to me. She was in distress over the treatment of her son. I personally think she got the short end of the stick. No matter what led her there, she found herself sitting by the spring in the wilderness. That's where the angel of the Lord "found her." No matter how difficult or complicated the situation was with Hagar, she wasn't hidden from the Lord's sight.

After she and the angel of the Lord had a little discourse, she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, "You are a God who sees." sometimes it's enough to just know that He sees us where we are. Honestly, other times it is not. (Speaking personally.)

With the truth that He sees wherever we are in mind, take a look at Psalm 109. That is where I was reading during my devotions this morning. Verse 31 captured my thoughts and meditations. It says:

For He stands at the right hand of the needy,

to save him from those who judge his soul.

I'm not really too worried about what others think, or however they want to judge my soul. I have yet to have one person take me up on the offer to walk a day with me. And that's okay. Many do not understand the crazy emotions caregivers can deal with. It's too easy for them to tell us to get over it. They can't comprehend the engulfing loneliness, the enormous sense of loss, feelings of entrapment, or the living grief we endure from day to day. There's no getting over it. There's just laying it aside and learning how to deal with it in order to make the day and stay sane and saved.

I like this verse in Psalm 109 because it reminds me that like Hagar, He sees me. He stands at my right hand. The right hand is symbolic of our power - so to me, it means He empowers me to walk it out. He is not worried about those who judge emotions so easily. Instead, He protects me from it. Because He sees. He knows.

Today I am going to think about how He empowers me to walk this walk. My thoughts will be on how He does see every minute detail, and He protects my soul. (mind, will and emotions) My meditations will be on How He sees, and it doesn't scare Him away. Instead, He runs to my aid. He is my soul's protector. And today, I'll be happy that He sees. He understands. He protects. With that, I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?