Already in the Boat

STanding with chris
Yesterday I celebrated having Chris home for 8 years. While I celebrated I thought a lot about all the different things we've been through over this last decade. I didn't express it, but it took a lot just to get to that point 8 years ago.

I'd gotten rid of almost everything and was headed to the mission field when I got the call he'd been in a wreck. There were times I felt like such a failure because I couldn't just "take him home." I'd been living with families for several years focusing on ministry. I felt like I had failed him by not providing that even though he and my daughter were both adults.

When Chris got accepted into rehab in OKC, they wouldn't take him until I established a home so he'd have a place to go on discharge. When we moved him from New Orleans to Oklahoma, I started staying with some of my daughter's friends who generously gave me a place to stay while he was in the nursing home. Now it was time to get a place of my own... again.

The shorter version is - I got a small, single-bedroom apartment right before he went to rehab for 3 weeks. You know how the caregiving journey is - lots of ups and lots of downs with some interesting spots in between. It's full of opportunities to give up, give in or die of exhaustion. lol

This week as I was studying my Bible, I found myself in Mark 4. The last part of the chapter is talking about when a storm came up and Jesus commanded it to be still as they were going to the other side. 8-10 years ago I couldn't tell you what this "side" might look like. I was a mess and still continue to suffer from the traumatic experience. But there are those times when Jesus speaks peace to my soul. They are invaluable. But that's not what stood out in the story this time.

In verse 35, Jesus told His disciples, let's cross to the other side. Then in the NLT it says, He was already in the boat. I have meditated on that ever since I saw it again for the first time last week. He was already in the boat. Before they loaded up, before they launched, before they started across, before the storm hit, before they got to the other side. He was in the boat and ready for the bumpy journey.

To say caregiving is a bumpy journey is an understatement, as you well know. But wherever each of us finds ourselves today - He's already there and ready to take it on for us. He's pumped up and rested up enough to speak peace to any storm that might arise.

Today, I will thank Him that I do not have to walk this all alone. My thoughts will be on how He purposes for us to go to the other side - victorious through whatever life might throw. I'll meditate on His faithful provision, His unmeasurable peace, and His constant watch over my soul. And I'll trust Him for just one more trip across this day. Will you join me?



From time to time I'd like to give you the opportunity to give to Dove's Fire Ministries if God leads you to do so. You can donate at this link if you feel led. Dove's Fire Ministries.

Just Ask Job

I've had a lot on my mind lately, almost as much as I have on my plate! lol. Things are moving along with my aunt's placement in assisted living, but boy is it moving slowly. I'm trying to enjoy the time I have with her as she is such a blessing. But boy do I get unwound so easily. It seems the extra stress has heightened my emotions, and I miss Chris even more of late.

Many caregivers deal with living grief. For me, I miss my son - although he is technically still here. Same with my mom who has dementia and is in a nursing home. the grief can be overwhelming at times.

This week, as I was grieving and crying as I poured out my heart to Him, I thought of Job's grief. In Job, we learn that he lost everything but in that moment of deepest grief, he went straight to God with it in worship. Presenting that deep wound of the heart before God is such an act of intimate worship.

Sometimes, the church culture can make us feel like we can come - but don't bring our grief. It's not acceptable. But God wants us to bring it all to Him - the good, the bad and the ugly. He wants to be so intimately connected with us that He shares in our joys and sorrows, our triumphs and losses, our ups and our downs.

As Job laid it all out before God, there was a part of him that could only be touched by the crushing. It's in those moments when we are at a loss for words that He can touch a part of us not easily accessible. There are some deep recesses of our heart that are only reached through the crushing life brings.

I encourage you today in the pain, stress, grief or distress - take it to Him instead of keeping it hidden from Him. He wants to reach in and be a part of your life. Even when you feel shunned and separated from the rest of the world. The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) He is near. He is intimate.

Today, I am taking all of me to His heart. I'm laying it all down at His feet and waiting on Him to touch the deepest recesses of my heart. Will you join me?

Excitement By the Wayside

old chest of drawers
Yesterday while I was out on my run I found this discarded chest of drawers. It was outside the fence at an apartment complex, just next to a dumpster. I took a picture and sent it to my daughter and asked yeah or nay. We decided it was a yes, so I brought it home.

The more I thought about this discarded piece, the more excited I became. Lots of thoughts ran through my head about how to fix it up. I could strip it down and restain it, or paint it as it is. Finally, I decided to strip it down and paint it cream. The indentions and knobs will be green and then my daughter can do her fancy artwork and paint some vining leaves along the edges. In my head - it's beautiful! I can't wait!

Then, I started thinking about where I'm going to put this beautiful piece once I've redone it a bit. I got so excited thinking of all the places it will fit right in.

On a personal note, this morning I was down. I'm tired. No, exhausted. No, fatigued... which is worse? That's what I am. lol.I'm stressed out over numerous things... Depression was trying to swallow me up when I looked out my patio door this morning and saw this chest.

You know what? God is more excited about His plans for us than we can imagine.

When I look at this discarded chest, I don't see it as such. I see the potential. I see all the places I can use it - all the ways I can enjoy it. When He looks at us, He doesn't see a discarded piece either. He is so excited about having us in His house. Just like I am thinking of all the places I can put this chest and all the ways I can use it and all the ways I can enjoy it - that's how He thinks of us.

He is filled with excitement about what is to come even if we feel discarded by the wayside. He's making plans on where to put us in His house. And He can't wait to enjoy us.

Today, I'm going to turn my thoughts to how overjoyed He is when He looks at us. My meditations will be on His excitement about what is to come. I won't consider my short-sightedness. I'll think about His wonderful plans for me. My focus will not be on my feelings of loneliness, despair or exhaustion. Instead, I'll think on His hope and plans for a good future for me. And I'll just rest right there  - will you join me?

Where Words Don't Live

I'm a word-smith, a writer, a poet, a psalmist. But there are times like the last few days where I have no words. While caregiving is a blessing and rewarding, it can also be taxing and weighty. That is where I've been until this weekend.

I've read the passage in Genesis 16 lots of times. Hagar was overwhelmed by God seeing her situation. I don't think I got it until now. My thoughts have been more along the lines of yeah, that's great but I already know God sees... what's the big deal? I need Him to do.

Over the weekend it all just got to me and it felt like the load was too heavy to deal with. As I was taking the dog out for a walk I put some music in my earbuds and used the few minutes for a bit of an escape. I don't recall the song, but it talked about God seeing us and feeling the weight of our load. And in that moment, I knew that I knew that I knew - He felt me.

Now I've felt Him a lot. I often sense His presence - but this was more Him sensing my presence and my situation. It seemed like He was walking through me - in the deepest recesses of my heart and being. He was so deep inside me that I had no words. And it was okay with me.

Suddenly, it was okay for Him to see me. It felt like He could really see me - all of me - and He was okay with it and so was I. He sensed my burden - and even though I came back into the house carrying the same load I went out with - it was better because I shared it with Him.

What are you carrying today? He really does want to share the load with you. Let down your guard for one minute and let Him see you - the real you. He can handle it - and so can you. He can see the parts of you that there are no words to share. While nothing may change immediately, knowing He is walking through the deepest, darkest parts of my being gave me light and strength.

Today, I'm going to meditate on taking it all to Him again. I'm going to try to be okay without words, and I'll think about how He knows my thoughts and words before they are formed - just like He knew me before I was formed. I'll trust Him for one more day - in that place with no words. Will you join me?

A Realist's Faith

Chris standing well
I'm not sure we can deal with any situation, caregiving or otherwise until we acknowledge it. We can try to confess it away, quote scriptures over it all day, and pray - I do this a lot. It doesn't always change the situation. I have no doubt that God heals and will continue to perform miracles. But until He does - we must deal with the situations that are right in our face.
It's not faithless to face our situation head on each day. There is no way to be a caregiver and ignore what we are going through as our actions or inactions directly affect other persons. A realist can stand in faith too because faith is not exactly what we've made it out to be all these years.

I have a very well-meaning relative who is always telling Chris to "get outta that chair" so he can go fishing. It breaks my heart. The first time he said it, I said, "they have handicap fishing spots if you want to take him fishing." I got no response. The last time he said it, I just let it go as my heart shattered into a million pieces. I love my son just like he is. Would I be overjoyed if he took off walking or starting talking or moving anything? Absolutely. But I love him just like he is too. I sing "You are so Beautiful" to him pretty much every day, two or three times a day.

God never looks at us and says, I sure wish you'd get better so I could fellowship with you. I know He doesn't. He loves us just like we are - even though He sees far better things for us. He puts no requirements on us - He just says come. He wipes my tears. He picks me up. He loves me - even when I'm dirty by my own doing. He takes us just like we are with no hesitation, no questions, no shaking of His head in disgust.

Today, I will meditate on how He loves me just like I am, with all my imperfections. My thoughts will be on how He longs to be with me so much He'll come to me if I can't walk, He speaks to me when I can't talk and He holds me when I can't hold Him. I'll think about how much He loves us as the crazy messed up caregivers we can be! lol And I'll thank Him for loving me right where I am, just as I am as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

When the Load Gets Heavy

Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up tired. Oh yeah, that's pretty much every morning for caregivers! lol. Well, yesterday I was tired and then I woke up this morning too tired. Or two tired. Or through tired. Taking care of two extras is taking its toll, but we just hang in don't we? It's really not all that bad - but I always thought I pretty much had my hands full with Chris - and now with my aunt here and needing care, it makes what I had seem less complicated and like a relief. Funny how our perspectives can change, huh?

So I opened my Bible this morning to prepare for the online devotion I do for a Facebook group and found a nugget to help me get through this day. Just today. That's all I'm trying to deal with one day at a time. My aunt keeps asking questions about this or that - as she is anticipating a move to an assisted living facility. My answer is always - let's just take care of this first and we'll figure the rest out as we go. It's odd how we change isn't it? I'm the one who has to have the plan all laid out -everything in order, then allow for flexibility. But right now it is literally one step at a time, one day at a time one thing at a time.

I picked up the Bible closest to the computer this morning and it fell open to Psalm 145. Initially, I was going to just talk about the first 10 verses, they are so good. Then I decided I had time and went for the last 11 verses too. That's when I found verse 14. The NLT says it this way The Lord helps the fallen and lifts up those bent beneath their loads. I said out loud - I'm grabbing this one for today!

We are making it - and we will make it - and we will get all this done - but at times I feel the weight of the load. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just a thing. You know? At the appointment with the assisted living facility yesterday they said it could take at least 90 days to get it all cleared and all the paperwork done. I tried not to show any expression, but I was like what??? And to add to that - she has to pass this little test first - and I'm not sure if she can. With the future being unsure and not having any kind of timeline I can start bending beneath the load.

I'll take that as good news! Why? Because when I'm "bent beneath the load," I'm in the perfect position for Him to lift me up. Sometimes we start to think we are self-sufficient and fail to remember we live by and through His grace. Feeling the weight of the load is the perfect opportunity to trust Him more.

Today, I will remind myself that He is not only carrying the load - He's carrying me. I'll thank Him for lifting me up and setting my feet on solid ground. And with that, I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

There's Always a Way

I'm still doing double duty with my Aunt Polly staying here. We are looking at an assisted living facility today and all are hoping it's best for her and works out. Until she can find one and get all moved we are making it. I won't lie - it's difficult. I'm trying to think of a stronger word than that... lol

It's funny how you can handle more even when you are certain you can't add one more thing. Humans are resilient like that, aren't we? I am learning more about leaning in to Him more for strength if nothing else. He gives wisdom to face each day.

I'm reminded of Proverbs 2:6 that says the Lord gives wisdom, out of His mouth comes knowledge and understanding. There's no addendum there stating caregivers are the exception. He didn't say - the Lord gives wisdom to everyone except caregivers. My Bible doesn't read, out of His mouth comes knowledge and understanding except for caregivers - I got nothin. This indicates to me that car can also ask God for wisdom. He will give us wisdom to know how to love those we are caring for. He'll give wisdom for us to handle each situation. And there is still knowledge and understanding in His mouth - in His word for the weary caregiver's soul.

He doesn't limit our access to Him, make exclusions to His promises or keep His presence from us. He pours out His life on us - sustains us and even carries us through the most difficult of days. He sits with us through those long nights. He rescues our soul from depression that tries to close in around us. He always provides a way. And for this - I am thankful.

Today, I'm going to think about that old song that says every promise in the book is mine. Because it is. He doesn't promise the lack of problems in life - but He does promise an ever-abiding presence. He does promise He'll walk with us and in us. He promised His peace for the mind stayed on Him. Today, I'll take Him up on all that! I'll rest in Him and thank Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Chase

  This morning, I was reading about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23. He was one of David's mighty men, and these three or so verses are all we kn...