Stll Standing

During my private devotions this morning, I read the "Sermon on the Mount." Jesus spent a lot of time teaching the disciples and these three chapters in Matthew cover a lot of territory. There were several selah moments where I paused and thought. But it was the final few verses that captured my attention.

Jesus tells the story of the two houses. One is built on the rock and one is built on sand. In the end, it was the one built on the rock that stood. But that wasn't the focus of my thoughts. Matthew 7:25 describes what the house went through on its way to standing. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwater rise, and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it's built on the rock. Of course, the other house didn't stand because it was constructed on a shaky foundation.

My focus this morning wasn't so much on the foundation. We understand the words to that old song, On Christ the solid rock I stand.. all other ground is sinking sand....He is our firm foundation - but look at  what the poor little house had to go through. The rains tried to wash it away. Floodwaters rose to carry it away. Winds beat on it to knock it down. But ultimately, it did not collapse.

Some days I feel like collapsing. But you know what - we are still standing. No matter how high the waters of life get. No matter how strong the wind blows - we continue to stand. For me, it meant redefining my faith. Faith isn't a way to avoid the storms - it's that solid rock that carries us on through them. We may be beat. We may get wet! But we still stand because of Him.

This makes me think of Isaiah 43::1-2 which says:

The Lord, who created you says:
Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. 
I have called you by name.
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, 
I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown!
When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up;
The flames will not consume you. 
For I am the Lord your God.

He is with us - even in "great trouble." I noted, this didn't just say "trouble" but it says "great trouble." More than normal trouble! All this can beat against our little houses - but we are not destroyed. After years of caregiving (and many of you have been there for LOTS more years than me!) - We are still standing. Because of Him. We are not destroyed. We are not cast down. We stand.

Today, I'm going to think about how He continues to be with me. My meditation will not be on the storms, winds, or floods. Instead I will meditate on His ability to carry me through the deep waters, through the great trouble. My thoughts will be on the truth that He remains God - circumstances do not change that truth. I'll reaffirm my faith in Him one more day. Will  you join me?





He Knows....

Each caregiving journey is different. The emotions of caring for your child are very different than those of caring for an aging loved one. I can't say either one is "easier" than the other - just very different although tasks may be similar. But when caring for the elderly we begin to see life in a different light. Is it that we suddenly feel our own human frailty? Maybe we question our upcoming final days. Thoughts can send emotions reeling.

As I was visiting with my son's nurse this morning we looked at some pictures of my mom and aunt. These were taken at our family Christmas get together and it's likely the last time they will see each other on this side of eternity. I smile when I think of how they will reunite in their new bodies on the other side. But then I sadden to think we must lose them both here first.

My thoughts were along these lines and my own humanness and frailty this morning as well as all I am dealing with as a multi-generational caregiver. Then, I thought of a verse in Psalm 103. Verse 14 says, For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. Somehow I drew a bit of comfort from thinking about how He knows we are just a frail human frame made of dust. Life is passing us all by and we never know what a day may bring. No one knows that better than a caregiver.

But in verse 17, the psalmist passes by the fleeting wind of humanness and says these encouraging words: But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him...I thought for a few minutes on that. We are flesh - all we know passes away. But no matter what we have, don't have, face, or don't face in a day - His lovingkindness remains steadfast. He is our sure tower - we can run to Him with every emotion, fear, victory, question, and caregiving situation. And He already knows.

Today, I will rejoice in the truth that He knows (and understands) the frailty of my flesh. He understands my tiredness but the persistence caregivers have to keep pushing forward one step at a time. I'll meditate on how He understands when this flesh gets too weak to cry out to Him and He meets us there. Today, I will wait for Him not knowing what to pray or say. And I'll be content in knowing - that He knows. Will you join me?    




Tired of Being Weary? or Weary of Being Tired?

Days like today help me be more reflective. It's a crazy day - crazier than normal in our multi-generational home setting. Between sick people and sleepless nights, it can be difficult to focus and be productive at morning's light. It makes me wish there was a "pause" button so I could take a breath and gather myself and my thoughts. But, we all know that's not going to happen.

On these kinds of days, caregiving seems merciless as tasks demand to be done whether we are in the mood, have any energy or not. When I feel fatigued (mentally, physically, emotionally) I always think of the familiar scripture in Isaiah 40. Verse 28 reminds us: Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired.  I'm guessing weary and tired are two different things here. I appreciate that distinction because I think for me, tired is the state of the body and weary is the state of the soul.

Body tired is easily fixed. You can rest, sleep, eat right and take some time off if you're not a full-time caregiver and rejuvenate. But soul tired is a different story. How do we rest our soul? Maybe that's why the next verse says, He gives strength to the weary. (No reference to the tired.) and to him who lacks might He increases power. 

Verse 31 is a great reminder for me today too. Yet those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will walk and not become weary.

So today, we just keep walking, trusting, and believing in the midst of the tiredness and weariness. It's a conditional promise that if we wait on Him THEN He will give us new strength to run this race without tiring out and walk on in faith without being overcome by weariness. Psalm 121:7b says He will keep your soul. 

So, today, I intend on putting my soul back in His care. My meditation and prayers will be focused on waiting on Him to rejuvenate my soul rather than trying to find strength within myself. I'll turn my thoughts to letting Him carry me for this part of the journey. I'll try to get rid of the I can do it all mentality and trust Him instead. And I'll rest right in the thought of waiting on Him rather than making my own way through as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Never Let Go

This was a trying week, which basically means there was nothing unusual about it. As caregivers, our emotions can be all over the place. This week brought sickness, depression, fatigue, and tons of other difficulties to deal with. Not only does being sick mess up our day-to-day routines, but it also wreaks havoc on our bodies and emotions. For many of us, our emotions stay on edge as it is, and even small things topple us into the "emotional abyss." It can take days to climb out of if we can get out at all.

Oftentimes, we don't even realize our emotions are stretched to the max. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have learned over my caregiving years that it's okay to stop. It's okay to cry. (I don't think it does any good - but it does let you know your emotional cup is full and running over.) It's okay to say - that's all I can do today. And it is absolutely okay to tell others, no. It is also absolutely okay to ask for help. That is often the most difficult part of all for caregivers. (Where'd you leave that cape?)

This week I didn't realize how stretched my emotions were until I finally got out of the house to go see my aunt. She is physically doing okay but mentally seems to be fading. I visited with her for quite a little bit, took her some goodies from the store that I knew she would enjoy and came home. I had not made contact with my emotions at all when I found the house empty of everyone but me and Chris and headed to the piano. My heart was ready to just spend some time singing "thanks" to Him. For keeping me, for not abandoning me, for just being God.

As I approached the piano, I remembered that it is my aunt's and it was like all of why we have it here to begin with hit me. She no longer plays it. I sat down and played through tears that I didn't try to hold back. As I was giving it all to Him - releasing it all through singing, I ever so gently felt Him say, I'll never let go of you. It was more of a sense than a voice, maybe an impression filled with the peace of knowing He won't let go no matter what I walk through.

While I was singing and rejoicing in His keeping power, I realized I felt the same way about Chris and Ronella. They both face different struggles, of course. But I will never let go of either of them. I'll walk through each fire, swim through each flood, and ride the waves with them no matter what they face. And God is just that determined to be with us. I began to sing it to Chris - "I will never let go of you, my child. I will never let go of you!" Then I saw his reflection in the piano. He seemed to be listening. Maybe he really heard me this time.And maybe God hopes I really heard Him this time too.

Today, my thoughts will be on His intent to never let go of me. I'll think about how it never gets too hot, too difficult, too tiring, too anything. He won't quit and walk away. He will never let go of me. My meditations will be on His ever-abiding presence and I'll try to picture myself curled up in His arms letting Him hold me today. I'll rest right there - will you join me?

What was that?

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I picked up my Bible and thought I'd read a bit. I naturally gravitate toward the Psalms, so I just started reading some of the verses I had underlined. I was in Psalm 9 reading where David is talking about God being a shelter for the oppressed. Sometimes it can feel like life itself is oppressing for caregivers with pressure on every side. I read on down through verse 10 where David says the Lord has never abandoned anyone who searches for Him. I thought about that a little bit before I continued to read on.

Soon, I found myself in Psalm 10 which starts out with O Lord, why do You stand so far away? Why do You hide when I need You the most?  I was thinking, "Is this the same guy? Is this the king or the shepherd? I thought back on what he'd said so confidently in Psalm 9. Then I remembered a favorite from Psalm 46. This same David said God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. (NLT)

It sure seems like he could go from one extreme to another. One minute he's crying out where'd You go, God? And the next he's thanking God for being ever present. The waves of life can tip us either way can't they? One minute we are boasting in how God carries us, tends to us, and is always with us; and the next we are crying out wondering where He went and feeling like He abandoned us, but knowing He didn't. He really has no place else to go - He's already everywhere.

Somehow it's comforting to me to know how brutally honest David was when pouring out his feelings. It encourages me to be more transparent with God no matter what the day brings or doesn't bring. Sometimes my heart knows He doesn't abandon, but my head is not too sure. My heart knows He provides when my thoughts get anxious about things. My heart knows He is a constant help in time of trouble - even when my mind is troubled about many things as a caregiver. And it's okay - because He knows.

Today, I'm going to listen to my heart more than my head. I'll trust He's got this - and He's got me. I'll meditate on the verse out of Psalm 9 that reminds me He never abandoned anyone who searches for Him. I'll continue my search for Him today as I trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

The Other Side of the Battle

Chris seems to have picked up a virus that's been going around. It's so difficult when he's sick because it can lead to so many other issues. For instance, if he aspirates, it can mean a lengthy hospital stay. I can do nothing to prevent it - all I can do is take the night watch so to speak. Needless to say, times like these, fear abounds.

The church world can be quick to condemn this statement even though I think David was pretty clear about many of his fears. Paul also said they had conflicts without and fears within. (2 Corinthians 7:5) Much better, in my opinion, to acknowledge and address than to ignore and suppress.

David had to be afraid for his life at some points. Saul was in hot pursuit with his armies. They were trying to track David down and take away the threat to Saul's kingdom. I think that's what the enemy of our soul's intent is too. Our enemy would like to quiet us, sit us down, and watch us hide in a cave if he could keep us quiet. Maybe that's why it seems David is always commanding his soul to bless God. Bless the Lord, O my soul. 

David often reminded himself to praise the Lord. He would make personal declarations. in Psalm 56:3, David says, when I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.  It was like he acknowledged the fear - but declared he was going to trust God in spite of it. In Psalm 62:5 David said, My soul, wait in silence for God only. for my hope is from Him.  He reminded himself of where he had placed his hope. He sang about trusting God even though he faced fear.

David had plenty of trouble in his lifetime and multiple opportunities to be paralyzed by fear. He faced Goliath, ran from Saul, engaged in the heat of battle, and lost his son, Absolom, to civil war. We read about the good things David did and we get to read about it from the other side of the battle. It's easy to skip over the moment he stood eyeball to kneecap with a giant and didn't waver in his faith. We read quickly how David hid in caves and spent years running for his life. From the other side of the battle, it looks easy to praise God. But David commanded himself to praise God in the middle of his battles too.

Caregivers live in the battle - sometimes it feels like there isn't an other side. But we still have the choice to tell our souls to trust God and remind ourselves that He is where our hope is anchored.

Today I will remind myself that God still has me, my heart and my hope even though life's battle continues to roar around me. I'll meditate on the truth that He is the keeper of my soul. I'll trust Him just for today. Will you join me in encouraging yourself to praise Him on this side of the battle?

The Quiet Days

I dislike Hallmark movies. They paint a picture of romance and freedom that are very foreign to me and my life. The unreal depiction of life and false hopes of everything working out alright is what I really cannot handle. Everything doesn't always work out alright. Every storm is not temporary, especially for caregivers. Long days turn into long weeks and longer months that eventually bring us back around to the holidays. But it's certainly not picture-perfect.

Take, for instance, this picture of my mom and aunt. It's so cute!! My mom is 78 and her sister is 86. I snagged this photo when they were greeting each other. What you don't see behind the cute picture is that my aunt could barely stand - I actually had one hand on her and one on the phone. She was so stooped they had a difficult time even hugging one another. However, they were so excited to see each other as they are living in two facilities in two different towns. We honestly do not know if they will get to be together again on this side of eternity. So, even though it was a light moment and we enjoyed seeing their joyful reunion, it was shaded with the sad thoughts in my heart about the future.

It was good to be with all my siblings and there was much laughter, joking, and kidding among us as well as some catching up. But the ride home is always a solemn one for me and leads to quiet days for the most part as the real-life part of full-time caregiving for my son and long-distance caregiving for my aunt kick in.

This leads me to try and gather myself for a few days. I'm trying to re-establish the habit of reading and journaling as I tend to let it go with the full days. It really does help -most of the time! :-) This morning I found myself reading in Nehemiah. That's appropriate since I'm in a rebuilding phase in my own spiritual walk. I landed in verse 46 of chapter 12.

The custom of having choir directors to lead in choirs and hymns of praise and thanks to God began long ago in the days of David and Asaph. For some reason, that verse grabbed my attention and I began to think about David and Asaph - two worshipers who didn't have "picture-perfect" lives either. My thoughts ran to David who at one point had to encourage himself in the Lord. He often reminded himself to return to that point of worship - in the quiet days - the cave days - the days of hiding from Saul's pursuit.

Today, I will encourage myself in the Lord. I'll remind myself of the things I have seen Him do - and I'll be thankful for that whether or not I see Him working in my today. I'll turn my thoughts to His peace, His care, and His love - all of which never change. And I'll thank Him for this quiet day - and trust Him to get me through it to one more tomorrow. Will you join me?

The Chase

  This morning, I was reading about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23. He was one of David's mighty men, and these three or so verses are all we kn...