Positionally Speaking

 So many things going through my mind. Maybe that’s totally normal for caregivers. Our proverbial plate is more than full with caregiving tasks, decisions, and life too. Some days I jump up and hit the ground running... others I’m almost too tired to turn over to reach my alarm. Tired but still busy are accurate descriptions I think- for all of us. Yet we keep going- like the energizer bunny. Sometimes people around us don’t know how tired we really are.

These were some of my thoughts this morning as I opened Psalm 62. I am still meditating on this psalm. I keep going back, partially because I keep getting something out of it and partly because I keep seeing new stuff. That’s one of the coolest things about reading the Bible regularly. It doesn’t get tired...always something new even if you’ve read it before. That may be partly because of the changes life brings about in us and partly because He said His Word is alive! (Hebrews 4:12)

As I sit in the doctor’s office this morning I opened my Bible app to soak up some more of this psalm. I noticed for the first time that David repeated a phrase. I suppose that means it was important to him. Maybe he just wanted to remind himself of something.

This phrase is in verse 2 and then again in verse 6- He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. (NLT) I think the point I pulled out was never be shaken. I know God is my rock, salvation, and fortress too... can I rest assured that I won’t be shaken? Some days I feel shaken... shook... needing to find that place of re-grounding in Him.

So after some thought, I look back at the three other terms- rock, shelter, fortress. They must have something to do with not being shaken. I wonder if the psalmist is just being repetitive. I don’t think so- these are three forms of protection. Maybe different levels. I can hide behind a rock. I hide under a shelter. I hide inside a fortress. God’s got me covered. As long as I “position” myself in Him, under Him, and behind Him He’s got me!

Today, I’ll let my meditation be on my position with Him. I’ll think about how He covers me, hides me, and shelters me. My soul’s position will be on its knees in worship of all He is and who He is. I’ll trust Him to be my rock, my shelter and my fortress- will you join me?

Same - But Different

As caregivers, I know you understand how difficult the days and nights can be. Even our best days can be filled with struggles. Each day seems to take all that we have to make it through emotionally and physically. Some days are darker than others, aren't they? We can be going along at a good speed with everything going well - supplies on time, meals delivered, our loved one has a good day, a friend calls... or we just have a moment to catch our breath!

But there are those other days too, the topsy-turvy ones where it seems nothing goes right. Equipment breaks (usually the weekend too!), supplies didn't get ordered and now you're out, help doesn't show up. I know you know the drill all too well.

Then there are those dark times. For me, it is usually the middle of the night. Chris isn't feeling well or he's running a high fever and I have exhausted my resources. Those times when I am not sure what to do and I do not have the capacity to just make it better can be the most frustrating. I think it was Oswald Chambers who first coined the term, dark night of the soul. As caregivers, I know you understand those unexplainable, difficult times.

And with those dark times in mind, but hopefully far away for now - verse 12 in Psalm 139 has more significance to me. David says this:

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You

But the night shines as the day;

the darkness and the light are both alike to You.

I used to wonder about this verse, but as I was reading it again this morning it suddenly made sense. My original thinking was that He is light - so He can't see darkness. But I think there's a little different way to look at it. He sees the darkness alright. It's just that His vision isn't affected by my darkness. He doesn't need to squint to see what is going on in my life even in the darkest night. He sees just as well when my days are as bright and cheery as they can be and days when my emotions are boiling over with fear and anxiety. It all looks the same. He looks the same. He is calm. He is peace. He is light. He is comfort. His vision is not obscured by my darkness, not in the least. He sees just fine no matter what I am facing. And He's right there to help me make it through.

Today, I will meditate on how He can see in my darkness. I'll think about how it all looks the same to Him day and night. I'll rejoice in the truth that when my way is difficult - His vision didn't change. He still sees my path, He still sees the end, and He still sees me!

Behind and Before

This week I've continued my studies in Psalm 62. I'm still meditating and writing out some things from this phrase in verse 5 let all that I am. It's more than "okay" to bring all that we are before Him, it's required for a whole relationship. While thinking about bringing all that I am (and all that I am not) before Him openly I found myself once again in Psalm 139.

It seems David understood how intimately God knows us - whether we acknowledge it or not. I love this whole psalm, but as I was reading and rereading it this morning this phrase in verse 5 stood out to me - Behind and before.

David is in the middle of a discourse about how God knows us through and through. He knows our thoughts, words, deeds, ways, movements... pretty much everything! Then David says this You have hedged me behind and before and laid Your hand on me. (NASB) I paused for a bit to think about that. God has hedged us - enclosed us. So I wondered, what did He enclose us in?  Time?

I think He has enclosed us behind and before with Himself. He covers us. Surrounds us. He's got our past covered and our future covered with His grace. And He's not afraid to touch us - He has laid His hand on us! It seems to me that He has made us the center of His attention. He makes sure our paths (although not perfect, smooth, or easy) are wrapped by Him. If we can see ourselves encapsulated in His presence, surrounded by Him - it makes each step a bit easier, I think. I can't step far enough to step away from Him. My pathway cannot get so entangled that He is not in the next step. I'm hedged in behind and before. I love that thought!

Today, I will think about how His presence surrounds me. There wasn't an "off" button because I became a caregiver. He isn't afraid of our live's picture and He's not scared to reach in and touch us either. I'll be purposefully grateful that He's got me hedged in and His hand is still on my life. And as I meditate on how thoroughly He has me covered - I'll just rest in Him and trust Him for today. Will you join me?

Someone I Do Not Know

I'm sitting here crying for someone I do not know...
Their story just came across my feed...
An accident, an injury, a brain bleed...
Terms I know too well on a path I've traveled too long..

My heart hurts and I don't even know their name...
I'm crying with parents, loved ones and friends...
Knowing that the pain and grief never ends...
Now I'm praying for someone I don't even know... never knew before...

My eyes turn loose of tears I'd held in from my own pain...
As I remember the early parts of my own journey...
I know what they can endure - what they may face...

Those long days of hoping, praying, believing...
Long nights just watching them keep breathing...
Don't stop.... please don't stop...

Then there's the waiting...
Dark nights, warm tears, terrible coffee...
Uncertainty abounds - so many ifs...

If there's a future what does it look like now?
If dreams are still valid...
If there's life after this...
If there's anything outside a waiting room... a hospital room...
If home exists... where do I fit...
If my loved one will ever speak, walk, wake, or move again...

What does life look like from the waiting room?
How can I find certainty for tomorrow when today's breath is already gone?
No thinking about tomorrow, this afternoon, or one minute away - only waiting...
Surviving one second at a time looking for one more breath to arise... hopefully
In me - in them - what is life anyway?

I'm hurting all over again for someone I do not know...
Someone like me...
So I pray - they find peace...
They find hope...
They get the answers they want but have grace to trust and deal with the ones they didn't want...

This someone I don't know - gets lots of prayers - but they will never know...

What if I Break?

As I type this, I’m sitting in the hospital ER with my aunt. Unexpected disruptions are common occurrences and just part of the caregiving journey. It can certainly seem like just about the time you feel you can handle it and at least the most pressing is under control... something topples it all over and you’re pressing to get a Pandora’s box closed and everything re-contained. Sometimes we learn how to roll with the everyday punches and adapt. Other times, it’s not so easy. Sometimes I wonder if I will break.

What if I do? What I’d I don’t?

As is my custom, I turn to the Word for an answer to my question. Funny how He never disappoints. Since I’m using my phone (which btw is difficult for old ladies), I do a quick search for “shaken.” I want to think I’m unshakable, but I certainly know I’m not. Any of us can break or shake under pressure. That’s why we must rely on Him for our existence. Our breath. One second at a time.

I found what I was looking for in Psalm 62. The first two verses say this:

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2 - NLT. I think maybe I keep forgetting to “wait quietly” before God. I can wait. Impatiently mostly. And I’m pretty chatty! Lol. So I remind myself to wait- and do so quietly. Quietly trusting Him for just this moment.

I read the psalm out loud to my aunt. We stop on verse 5: Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. NLT  That is what I needed to hear right here in this place of brokenness. Let all that I am..... and all that I am not...wait on Him.

And with that, today, I will silence my crazy all over the place thoughts, my aching heart, and my fears and quietly wait. I won’t stress over missed or behind work, not being with Chris while I’m caring for my aunt, or anything else. I will let the world pause and I will pause with it. Because my hope is in Him and not in any of these other things. As I pause, I will trust Him for today and trust that He has me broken or not.

Finding Contentment

I came across an interesting scripture this morning during my devotions. Since I wasn't sure where to start reading I let my Bible just fall open. It landed in Ezekiel 35. In the 5th verse, God is upset at a group of people because they attacked others in the time of their calamity. That sparked a short study on calamity and trouble.

At first I saw a lot of scriptures talking about why and when the Lord brought calamity on groups of people in the Old Testament. I'll be honest. I got a bit worried that He had brought this calamity on me and my family. But like Job who faced calamity for no fault of his own, I found peace knowing in my heart I have not turned away from Him even in this calamity. So I continued my short study.

I found a passage in Obadiah where God was condemning another group for mistreating their "brothers" in the day of trouble and calamity. I began to take heart again as it seemed God was upset with those who took advantage of those who were facing difficult times. Fortunately, I haven't found this to be true in my case. Most people don't seem to take advantage of caregivers, they just ignore us. lol.

As I thought about these two passages where the Lord seemed upset about how people who were going through were being treated, I recalled one of my old favorite verses. It's Psalms 57:1 and I memorized in back in 1986 when I was going through a serious illness. It says this Be merciful to me O God, be merciful to me for my soul trusts in thee and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge until calamities are past.

And that I did. And that calamity did pass. He did heal me. There was no other explanation and doctors never discovered what the mystery illness was. But now I find myself in another type of calamity, one that is ongoing with no end in sight. I still proclaim that I will hide in Him in the midst of this wilderness too. He is still my refuge and in that, I am very content. I'm content to rely on Him for my strength to make each and every day. I'm content to know He's got my heart hidden in His no matter how broken it feels. I'm content to know He's got my back and upset when "brothers" don't treat us right as we walk through the struggles of each day.

Today, I will rejoice that I am still trusting in the refuge of His wings - and He hasn't kicked me out yet! My thoughts will be on being content in this place of safety and I will LET His peace rule in my heart. I won't let calamity define me, I'll let Him do that. I'll continue being contently and confidently hidden in Him trusting in His love and care. Will you join me?

Still in the Game

This weekend I went to Wichita, Kansas to run a half marathon. I had run one full marathon there in 2012. I haven't done another full 26.2 miles and probably won't! lol. I was surprised by the emotions of returning to the place I did accomplish my only marathon. My eyes got just a bit moist when I looked at the bridge coming into the start/finish line area and I was a bit proud that I had done at least one full.

I hadn't trained enough for this half, but knowing I'd done a full (and 26 other half marathons) gave me the confidence to hit the course and shave 4 whole minutes off my last time.

Sometimes as caregivers it feels like facing each day is like running a marathon and it can seem like it never ends. But by looking back at the things we have accomplished on the caregiving journey it encourages us to face another day. When we take a few minutes to look back at a few wins we know we can make it one more day. We are still in the game - and that's a great achievement.

But sometimes, it's the fact that we are still in the game that makes it difficult. It's our faith that brings the greatest comfort and the greatest conflict. We believe He heals - even though we don't experience it in our situation. We believe He calms the storm even when it rages on. What do we do with those emotions when we know and trust and believe but don't see? Stay in the game.

It all comes down to trusting Him in the midst of trials, storms, and caregiving. I've said before that I've found my faith to be redefined through caregiving. It's not so much that it keeps us from facing things - it's not about avoidance - or not having to go through the trials. Instead - it's what carries us through them. Like all our Bible heroes. Hebrews 11 - the Hall of Faith - is full of those who faced situations and prevailed because of faith. There'd be no stories if they hadn't faced obstacles.

Today, I'm going to rejoice that I am still in the game no matter how difficult it is. My thoughts will be on how He has carried me thus far and He's not putting me down here! I'll meditate on His presence that never leaves me and ride that through one more day called today. Will you join me? OH - and congratulations - for staying in the game!